In the weeks following the loss of Carson I had lunch with a couple of other fathers and mentors that had also lost children. They turned out to be some very important people for my sanity and my growth in finding a new normal.
I would like to share one of the ideas that, three years later, is most applicable and still one of the most important things I have heard. The great news is, this advice works for everyone, everywhere! You don't need to have lost a child for this to work, you simply need to be a human that gets distracted sometimes.
Life is like the interstate, most people push their luck and drive a little over the speed limit, we are busy people. We try to get as much done as we can, we try to find our sanity limit and keep ourselves just on the brink of a mental breakdown. We drive as fast as we can and pray for a rest area to stop for 3 seconds to use the bathroom so we can get back to pushing. After a loss like ours, though, sometimes, we can only go 35 and making it back to a consistent 75 is probably not a reality. So, some days will seem like the world is flying by and others will seem like you can almost keep up, the important part is to go as fast as you can or can't any given day and own it.
I have seen people who cope by doing 80 or 90 mph and expect that to keep them so busy that there is simply not time to think about the issues or events that got them where they are. I have also seen people who slow down to about 15 and never return to even 45 or 50. They become stuck in 15-20 land and it pushes away their remaining friends and family. They forget what it is like to be happy and feel the constant pressure of guilt and a need to feel sad.
At this point, my cruising speed is about 60. I have days where it is more like 30, and sometimes I see brief moments of 70-75. What I have really made an attempt to do, is to be self aware and know what kind of effort I can put in when. I save my high speed days for when I really need them. I save them for when the family needs me the most and my job needs me the most. Most of the time, those happen to be the same weeks.
The tough question is, how do we meet other peoples expectations of consistent 75 while doing 60? I cannot physically do 75 for very long any more. It is too much for me. The thing about going 75 is that multitasking is often a major part of thinking you are getting work done. We spend our time working, cell phoning, parenting, and everything else. Consider your plate at dinner, (or supper, depending upon the region you grew up) a nice steak, maybe some green beans, a dinner roll, and maybe some salad or something. I don't know very many people who take time, cut everything up and then stir it all together and eat it with a trowel. The chef (your Mother) would look at you like you were nuts, and you would not get the individual great flavors from each part of the meal. I tend to eat one thing at a time, savor it, and move on to the next. I try to treat life the same way.
When we focus on the task at hand, parenting, work, whatever, the quality increases exponentially. If I am renovating a kitchen, for instance, I will set goals for the day that are in line with the goals for the overall project timeline. I will set aside tasks that are not part of today's goals in favor of completing today's first. When I see other projects or things I need to do, I can take note and continue the direction I am going. This helps me get tasks done faster and better. Be present and focus. I have learned that by focusing my energy better on what I am doing and being present, I can do 75 quality work while going 60 or even slower.
If I am hanging with my family, I try not to talk shop or do work. I leave my cell phone in the bedroom, or in its most common place, wherever it landed before I have to ask my wife to call it so I can find it again. I try to focus my time with the people who need me most in the moment. Sometimes I get caught up in my phone, I get caught up in social media, I get stuck in my own little world, and it is not fair to my loved ones for me not to give them the best part of me while we are hanging out. If you need ideas on how to execute this, shut off all of your notifications on your phone and leave it in your bedroom. It will never ding, and if you are with the most important people, there won't be an emergency that cant be handled without you.
I guess what I am getting at, is make sure that you give the best part of you for the task to the task that needs it. Don't waste work time talking about being a great family man, but spend all of your family time being a great worker. This is something that has become incredibly important in my life, so I hope that it gets you thinking and evaluating.
See ya'll for the next one.
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