How Do I Know What to Say?

I consider myself to be fairly patient.  I like to think about my reactions before I act. I consider many options before choosing something and I take my time making the decision.  This week, my patience was put to the test a little bit.

I was doing some work for a person whom I knew from our previous time in Omaha. We chatted all morning about lots of things, and got to the subject of family.  She asked about the kids and all of the polite things one should. When I brought up Carson and explained that he had passed away, but that he was our little boy who had Down syndrome, the response almost knocked me on my butt.

“That must be how it was supposed to be. Just imagine the life he would have had.”

Now, I have been grieving, I have watched people grieve, I have helped people grieve,and we all struggle to find the right words to say. We all want to have the words that ride with someone that become a mantra for them so that we can be the wise hero that pulled the from a perpetual future funk.

Stop it.

That is selfish. Just send a cheesy card if that is what you are looking for.  If you can’t show up with open ears and an open heart, just stay home.  This is a time for listening, for putting others first.  Showing up out of obligation, showing up to be a hero, showing up because you think you can be the friend that appears from the shadows to right all wrongs and bring balance to an emotional chaos is a waste.

When you show up out of love, sincerity, compassion and hope, then we are getting somewhere.  The most important people on my journey ever thought that they were a knight in shining armor was far less than.

So, that brings me to a quick little helpful list, in no particular order, of things that you don’t need to say to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one... of any age:

Heaven needed another angel.
It was God’s plan.
That’s how it was supposed to be.
God needed them.
Time will heal all wounds.
You will get over this.
You will get through this.
Anything that you think will make you look awesome.

This list is by no means comprehensive, there are plenty of things you could say that while on the surface seem comforting, are actually less than helpful.

The second line, “imagine what his life would have been like”.  Everyday.  Everyday I imagine what his life would have been like. Every night I imagine what bedtime would be like. Every morning I wish I had another morning.  In stark contrast to the way it was said, always “imagine what their life would have been like.” Some days, that’s the only thing that helps.