What do you even have to be scared of?

When I think of my seeking and finding habits over the last couple years, I realize that I spent all my seeking time trying to find an answer to the biggest fears that I had in my life. I spent my time searching for a solution to the source of my fears. The things that I am afraid of are things like instability, letting down my family in terms of lifestyle that they are used to, failing at having a profitable business, letting people see any of my insecurities, and things like that.



It was new, it was exciting, I was terrified. I had never started a business before. I didn’t know what needed to be done and really I didn’t much know where to even start.  I was so clueless about how to make this business a success that I didn’t even set a budget for the family, or even consider one.  The uncertainty I was facing caused crippling fear that I refused to admit to. Instead of admitting to the fear and facing it, I decided that it would be better to embrace the uncertainty and ride the wave to see where it went.  While this was probably not the “correct” choice, my family continued to eat, it got tight, but the bills got paid.  At the time I considered the family/work balance to be pretty even. I felt like it was going ok.

Looking back, my fear of setting any sort of real goal for my business probably hindered my growth and financial gains over the first year or so, but at least I hadn’t failed! If you don’t have any real goals, failure is not really an option.  I did a sneak and patted myself on the back for being and surviving as opposed to accomplishing any goals.

I lauded myself for moving to be back with family, for taking a risk, for the good things I did in the life that I left. I could look back and see that I had done good things.  Unfortunately, in all that looking back, I wasn’t looking forward.

Setting goals and challenging myself is what got me through the toughest time in my life. When Carson passed, the thing that kept me from self medication and abuse was setting up goals and knocking them down.  I took the feelings and emotions and put that energy into making myself a better dad, person, athlete. This time was different because I forgot that my best coping comes from giving myself direction and challenging myself. It was time to turn around and change my perspective.

I decided that it was time to challenge myself.  I set financial goals for my business. I set personal goals to spend quality time with my family.  It was time to become a person who was striving to better himself and his family again.

Since I decided that fear of failure was no longer going to rule me and hold me back, I have gotten back to doing things that I love and develop me as a better, father, husband, person, Christian, or better anything else.  I have a couple races back on the schedule, I am writing, I am back to more time serving, I am taking care of my nutrition better, I feel better, and I think most of all, I feel like I have things to be proud of again.

So push yourself, challenge yourself, leave something behind that doesn’t serve you, do things that make you proud and don’t be afraid.  

Always Seeking, Always Finding

There are new things on the horizon. I’m nervous, apprehensive, excited, but most of all I am ready for the stability of the future.  No longer will it be a constant search for more jobs and the next dollar, but I will get to decide the best way to help a family and teach a group of volunteers how to accomplish that.

With my return to stability and return to serving people will come a chance to seek again.  I feel like all my seeking has been for survival lately.  I have been seeking the dollars to make life possible for my family.  Unfortunately, this kind of seeking has not left me much to tap into for seeking self improvement, for growing my faith, for accomplishing other goals, or anything else.

February 12 marked 5 years since Carson passed away.  5 years... long time... quick time...

Nothing is the same now.  We live in a different place, we have different jobs, everyone is older, the kids are starting to get into their own activities, starting to explore interests, and I feel like I have all but shut myself off from things that aren’t work or immediate family matters, reactive.

As soon as I had opportunities on the horizon, I felt a shift.  I was excited to do my thing again.  I had motivation to strap on shoes and run.  I felt motivated to write more... or at all. Stability is what I have been seeking and now that I have found that, it seems as though my seeking can continue for what I would prefer to find.

Over the years, there have been situations where I have felt abandoned by God.  I have felt like the only way through would be deeper into the sad, to yell, scream, self medicate, or some other self serving behavior that wouldn’t work.  I’ve felt like I had to do everything myself.  These are the times that I was so self focused I didn’t realize that I had stopped searching for the resources or aide I needed on the journey.  It was like I was sitting in a room just yelling to myself that things weren’t right, but I wasn’t going to leave my little room to seek out a way for it to get better.

In the heart of these times is when I’ve had to be self aware enough to make a change.  Where ive had to realize that my actions, or inactions, needed to find a new trajectory.  It is in those times that I realized, that I simply couldn’t help myself.

See, I have discovered that Jesus is always there.  He is around when things are good, he is around when things are bad, he is around when you feel alone, he is around when you feel cherished.  The problem for us, for me, is that sometimes I feel like it is his job to find me and make everything better, like immediately.  Unfortunately for a guy like me who gets self centered and entitled, that isn’t how it works.  If I don’t put in the work, good things don’t happen.  So then it is incumbent upon me to seek shelter, to seek peace and comfort in Christ.  If I do not seek, I will not find.

Last week, I told a group of middle schoolers that if you are hungry, sitting in the living and screaming the word “HUNGRY” will not change your situation.  The simple way to fix the problem of being hungry is to head to the kitchen and seek out food to eat. Clearly this is an over simplification, because emotional and spiritual hunger cannot always be solved with a simple answer.  We may have to seek out a restaurant, grocery store, someone else’s kitchen, or any number of other resources to fill the hunger that we are experiencing.  The point though is that we must seek them out, we cannot simply sit idle and hope everything works itself out.

I don’t know what you are hungry for, I am not aware of your life situation, but I know that without seeking, you will not find.  This faith we have is a two way street.  Jesus is there for us, but if we don’t do our part, nothing changes.  Take 15, 30, 60 minutes, however long and think about what you are seeking. Are you seeking what you are actually hoping to find? Is what you are seeking the most beneficial for your current situation? Does it match what you say your priorities are?

Unselfish Me Time

Father’s Day and the week after was kind of a fast and furious week. We took a surprise trip to Denver to see family and sit with Grandma in the hospital. I spent the week among people I love and gave my time and my sanity to them. It was a week well spent. The things that didn’t happen, were the time that I take for me.

The next week, my parents went on a bike ride for a few days and I was leading solo at work projects and trying to keep a schedule between work and family. I also did not take time for me that week. From Sunday through Friday, I didn’t take time for me.

Last week, I did not have a blog post. I was uninspired and preoccupied by work, family, money and the rest of everything else. I let me become less of a priority than almost everything else. I didn’t eat right, I didn’t train, I didn’t write, I didn’t do anything for me.

Finally, Saturday morning, yesterday, I got up and ran! I ran 7 miles. I may not have been quite in shape enough for that, but I did it. Within the first couple miles, I was back into my head, I was inspired, I was ready to write.

This for me was evidence that I must take time for myself to be my best self. I don’t mean that I need to go do things that would have a negative impact on everyone else because it’s what I want to do, but to do things that put me in a place to better serve my family, my friends, my clients, and the people I come in contact with each day.

How do I decide what is positive or productive “Me Time” and what is negative or selfish? Well, Here are a few questions I ask myself:

• Is this something that I would like to have remain a secret?
• Is there a like minded group of people that would enjoy doing this activity with me?
• If it costs money, is it something I can actually afford?
• Am I Proud of this thing?

I guess the first question should be: Is it legal? Ha ha! That’s a good place to start. 

My theory is, if you don’t have positive answers to these questions, you might reevaluate you priorities and what you consider “Me Time”. I am not here to say what is a “good or bad” thing, that is something you have to consider for yourself.

Ultimately, if you spend all of your time pouring yourself out, you will run out of self to pour. Even the biggest containers have limits to what they can put out if they are not replenished from time to time. 

I would like to follow up on this next week with Leaky Cup Syndrome. Life has normal ups and downs anyway, sometimes it is just not possible to fill ourselves all the way back up. What then?

How Do I Know What to Say?

I consider myself to be fairly patient.  I like to think about my reactions before I act. I consider many options before choosing something and I take my time making the decision.  This week, my patience was put to the test a little bit.

I was doing some work for a person whom I knew from our previous time in Omaha. We chatted all morning about lots of things, and got to the subject of family.  She asked about the kids and all of the polite things one should. When I brought up Carson and explained that he had passed away, but that he was our little boy who had Down syndrome, the response almost knocked me on my butt.

“That must be how it was supposed to be. Just imagine the life he would have had.”

Now, I have been grieving, I have watched people grieve, I have helped people grieve,and we all struggle to find the right words to say. We all want to have the words that ride with someone that become a mantra for them so that we can be the wise hero that pulled the from a perpetual future funk.

Stop it.

That is selfish. Just send a cheesy card if that is what you are looking for.  If you can’t show up with open ears and an open heart, just stay home.  This is a time for listening, for putting others first.  Showing up out of obligation, showing up to be a hero, showing up because you think you can be the friend that appears from the shadows to right all wrongs and bring balance to an emotional chaos is a waste.

When you show up out of love, sincerity, compassion and hope, then we are getting somewhere.  The most important people on my journey ever thought that they were a knight in shining armor was far less than.

So, that brings me to a quick little helpful list, in no particular order, of things that you don’t need to say to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one... of any age:

Heaven needed another angel.
It was God’s plan.
That’s how it was supposed to be.
God needed them.
Time will heal all wounds.
You will get over this.
You will get through this.
Anything that you think will make you look awesome.

This list is by no means comprehensive, there are plenty of things you could say that while on the surface seem comforting, are actually less than helpful.

The second line, “imagine what his life would have been like”.  Everyday.  Everyday I imagine what his life would have been like. Every night I imagine what bedtime would be like. Every morning I wish I had another morning.  In stark contrast to the way it was said, always “imagine what their life would have been like.” Some days, that’s the only thing that helps.

Breakthroughs: Am I Getting There?

I am trying something new this week.  Ok, I am trying 2 new things this week.

I am doing a 16/8 intermittent fast.  That means that I am not eating real food for 16 hours a day, and for 8 hours, I eat.  

My wife and I are also rolling hard on a low carb, no (at least lots less) refined sugars, diet.  It is kind of a mix of keto, whole 30, and whatever else doesnt eat as much sugar.

Dude!  What the heck?!? Why are you "dieting"?  fasting isn't good for you!  Advice, advice, advice...  thanks, don't need it.

The deal is, I have plateaued.  I have reached a place where nothing is really changing.  I have reached a place where even when I feel like I am working out pretty hard, or eating ok, or whatever, changes arent really coming.  It is my experience that those symptoms would indicate that I am not doing things as different, or getting out of my comfort zone like I think I am.  

While this is great in terms of fitness, body shape, training, whatever, this is not a fitness blog and I am not here to give fitness advice or to tell you the way to be healthy.  This blog started the night I lost my son, and my mission is to try and help those who feel stuck.  I want to help those who feel lost.  I want to help people who dont feel like they have many places to turn, so the internet is where they landed.  I want to help anyone who finds themselves here, lost or found.

So why would I talk about my stupid diets and stuff?

Because breakthroughs wont happen if you continue doing the same everyday things that you do.  If you dont stretch yourself, you will remain the same.

I don't necessarily mean that you have to saddle up and run an Ironman triathlon like I did, but each time you stretch may feel that way.

The first time I stretched after Carson died, was something seemingly mundane.  I went to Walmart.  I went with no kids, I went without my wife, it was my dad and I at the Walmart in North Platte, NE.  We were there to get poster board for pictures of Carson. This should not have been a stretch, but it most certainly was.  We always went to the store as a family.  I couldn't very well leave 5 kids at home, all under the age of 9, without parents.  It was a big deal to me, but nobody else in the store noticed.  Nobody seemed to care.  Nobody, but me, knew what was stirring inside me and everyone else was life like normal.  That was an interesting stretch that gave me permission to go back to the store and be ready for when the rest of the family came with us. 

For weeks, maybe months, it was a stretch for me to get the right number of plates, bowls, silverware, or whatever it was out of the cabinet at meal time.  My brain could not count one less than normal.  I thought it was super weird, but grief will do that.  What I probably should have done, would be to force myself to count the right number, or just set out the extra plate.  Not me.  I chose to cope by getting out all of the plates.  I would take them all out of the cabinet and let kids grab a plate off the pile.  There, I didn't have to count.  That made it all better.  A good example of having a breakthrough? Probably not, but like I when grief invades your life, you have to learn to dance WITH it, instead of avoiding it all of the time.  

No matter who you are, where you have been, or what it is that eats at you, you can stretch yourself.  You can stretch a little on a trip to Walmart, or you can stretch alot and choose a lofty goal that you are unsure of your ability to reach.  Either way, you get to rise up and know that there is one less thing holding you down.  You are resilient, you are strong, and you are able to do it.  

See you next time!

Going 35 in a 75

In the weeks following the loss of Carson I had lunch with a couple of other fathers and mentors that had also lost children.  They turned out to be some very important people for my sanity and my growth in finding a new normal.

I would like to share one of the ideas that, three years later, is most applicable and still one of the most important things I have heard.  The great news is, this advice works for everyone, everywhere!  You don't need to have lost a child for this to work, you simply need to be a human that gets distracted sometimes.

Life is like the interstate, most people push their luck and drive a little over the speed limit, we are busy people.  We try to get as much done as we can, we try to find our sanity limit and keep ourselves just on the brink of a mental breakdown.  We drive as fast as we can and pray for a rest area to stop for 3 seconds to use the bathroom so we can get back to pushing.  After a loss like ours, though, sometimes, we can only go 35 and making it back to a consistent 75 is probably not a reality.  So, some days will seem like the world is flying by and others will seem like you can almost keep up, the important part is to go as fast as you can or can't any given day and own it.

I have seen people who cope by doing 80 or 90 mph and expect that to keep them so busy that there is simply not time to think about the issues or events that got them where they are.  I have also seen people who slow down to about 15 and never return to even 45 or 50.  They become stuck in 15-20 land and it pushes away their remaining friends and family. They forget what it is like to be happy and feel the constant pressure of guilt and a need to feel sad.

At this point, my cruising speed is about 60.  I have days where it is more like 30, and sometimes I see brief moments of 70-75.  What I have really made an attempt to do, is to be self aware and know what kind of effort I can put in when.  I save my high speed days for when I really need them.  I save them for when the family needs me the most and my job needs me the most.  Most of the time, those happen to be the same weeks.

The tough question is, how do we meet other peoples expectations of consistent 75 while doing 60?  I cannot physically do 75 for very long any more.  It is too much for me.  The thing about going 75 is that multitasking is often a major part of thinking you are getting work done.  We spend our time working, cell phoning, parenting, and everything else.  Consider your plate at dinner, (or supper, depending upon the region you grew up) a nice steak, maybe some green beans, a dinner roll, and maybe some salad or something.  I don't know very many people who take time, cut everything up and then stir it all together and eat it with a trowel.  The chef (your Mother) would look at you like you were nuts, and you would not get the individual great flavors from each part of the meal.  I tend to eat one thing at a time, savor it, and move on to the next.  I try to treat life the same way.

When we focus on the task at hand, parenting, work, whatever, the quality increases exponentially.  If I am renovating a kitchen, for instance, I will set goals for the day that are in line with the goals for the overall project timeline.  I will set aside tasks that are not part of today's goals in favor of completing today's first.  When I see other projects or things I need to do, I can take note and continue the direction I am going.  This helps me get tasks done faster and better.  Be present and focus.  I have learned that by focusing my energy better on what I am doing and being present, I can do 75 quality work while going 60 or even slower.

If I am hanging with my family, I try not to talk shop or do work.  I leave my cell phone in the bedroom, or in its most common place, wherever it landed before I have to ask my wife to call it so I can find it again.  I try to focus my time with the people who need me most in the moment.  Sometimes I get caught up in my phone, I get caught up in social media, I get stuck in my own little world, and it is not fair to my loved ones for me not to give them the best part of me while we are hanging out.  If you need ideas on how to execute this, shut off all of your notifications on your phone and leave it in your bedroom.  It will never ding, and if you are with the most important people, there won't be an emergency that cant be handled without you.

I guess what I am getting at, is make sure that you give the best part of you for the task to the task that needs it.  Don't waste work time talking about being a great family man, but spend all of your family time being a great worker.  This is something that has become incredibly important in my life, so I hope that it gets you thinking and evaluating.

See ya'll for the next one.

Back To Writing and Remembering

It's been a while, so I am going to just spill for a bit.

This week, I was reminded that grief is hard.  It hits hard, it is swift, it does not care about its path of destruction.  It creates a path that we can perceive as narrow, but it seems to get wider and wider as we see it from a higher perspective.

I have not been blogging for a while, but I realize that it is important.  It is important for me, and if it can be important for even one other person, that is a good enough reason to continue to me.

My family has moved about 240 miles east of where we were when I last wrote.  I have ended about 12 years of employment in churches and ministry.  I am now in the construction and remodeling business.  I have been pretty focused on finding a normal with our new situation and our new life.
That is the quickest update I can give, I am sure that there will be more as more blogs come.

When you are in the ministry long enough, you wind up helping kids and families through times that are really awful.  This past weekend, one family from my early years of ministry, unexpectedly lost their father and husband.  I only met him a few times, but I knew the family well. 

On Sunday I heard about him, and by Sunday night, I found myself in their kitchen, at their table, reliving moments of grief, pain, laughs, and love.  This is a family that is strong, they love hard, and they recognize that their father was an incredible human being.  His legacy is strong. 

I watched grief from the beginning.  I saw the raw pain. 

I tried to remember my own.  I have realized that instead of remembering every part of every day, I barely remember things over the course of a few weeks.  It is such a blur.  I think I prefer it that way.  I know that the days were there, and I know that things happened.  It has become hard for me to put a timeline to the events.  Many of my memories don't make sense. 

I often feel guilt over my memory not being very good, but I remember the most important parts.  I remember the love that I felt, I remember that people cared for my family when I couldn't.  I was in a place where I could barely care for me let alone everyone else.  Our families kept us steady, our families kept us afloat, our families kept us fed and loved.  Thank you. 

It is one of my passions to help those who are grieving.  I do this through training and racing.  I also found great solace in a kitchen table with a family that I have loved for a long time.  I hope that this blog also brings someone some peace. 

Also, as a side note, I will be more organized into the future.  I will not usually going to be so scatter-brained, but there is a whole bunch of blog stuff floating around in my head.  So this one was kind of a dumping ground of what came out.