Banks to the River: The Fine Line Between Protector and Control

Balance is always the key word in our 4 pillars. It will always be tough. Here is one where we find an especially tough rub.

Where is the line between protector, guide, and controlling? When do we stop providing freedom for experience and stop providing our families making their own path in the world?

In my family and the way that I parent, i view it as my job to influence the development of values in my kids. Personally, my daily goal is to be a net positive on those I come across. That means that no matter my level of interaction with you, I don’t want to leave you feeling worse about yourself or your situation. That’s all, be a net positive. I have worked with my kids since a young age to influence the behaviors to be a net positive on people. That being said, I try not to govern their decision making in a way that they have no choice but to do that. Obviously the younger they are, the more I help dictate their specific actions in a concrete good and bad way, but as they get older, they have the freedom to make choices and experience how they play out. 

These days “Gentle Parenting” gets a bad wrap, but I believe that’s because it is simply misused. When kids are young, up to 8, 9, 10, they require concrete boundaries and immediate feedback. This is where kids can have firm boundaries because I am definitely not counting on them to make good decisions. They won’t. Their brains don’t work in a realm of grey areas and abstract ideas yet, so they need the concrete to set them up for the future.

As they grow and their brains grow, that is when they need to start having low risk freedom. I mean, lets be honest, middle school starts a new level of freedom during the day at school and you are no longer able to police all of their actions during the day. They have 8 teachers instead of one, they are moving through the hallways where there is general supervision, but largely they are responsible for their own movements and actions. Middle school is the first time that they experience a taste of freedom. 

This is a pretty big step. Do you trust them with complete freedom? No! Why? They haven’t had to be here yet! While I don’t trust them and I know for a fact that they are going to mess up, that is why we experience freedom in bite size pieces. Like the change from walking in lines with their teacher in elementary school to self governed hallway transitions from class to class in middle school. One small thing that helps them set the stage for timely transportation and transition from place to place in their adult life. Small, but to them feels like a major step. Freedom comes in small steps, but I believe whole heartedly that we have to let them step out of line a bit and find consequences of their own.  

This is important because the boundaries will be pushed! Here is the kicker, at this stage in life, the kids don’t just trust blindly. This is where they start to trust you for when things go wrong and boundaries are crossed. When they screw up, your reaction dictates how safe they feel to bring you the next thing. This is where we begin to lean into the guide pillar. Up until now, you were protecting them with tight guidance and very clear rules. As they get older, we become more focused on being the banks to their river, consistent, keeping them on the right path, really guiding them to trust us while becoming who they are. 

I think there is an important point to make here. The world is SO different from when you were that age. I dont care how young of a parent you are, this is 100% true. What worked for you, IS NOT, what will be guaranteed to work for them. There are dynamics at play these days that you never dreamt of. The pressures come from different places, for different things. This IS NOT simple to comprehend for most. When we grew up quick correction was easy because if you were going to say something dumb it came out of your mouth and your parents likely heard it. NOW, there are 1000 avenues to take to misstep and get in trouble. Just think of your own phone. 50 apps that all do different things, but still connect us in some way to 1000 other people. We never dealt with this as kids. We had school, outside with friends, and home. That was about it!

So where is the balance between guidance, protection and control? Ultimately its up to you. Do you police every app, every contact, every message? Do you hit them with the Life360 Top line membership and see every single thing they are doing everywhere? Security cameras are cheap now, do you put them in the house? Out of the house? Car cameras? I don’t know the exact right answer. 

As my kids grow up, I have told them and then reminded them again and again that I want to say yes. I want them to have great experiences with great people and grow a phenomenal network of friends and people in their corner. I want them to try new things and discover new things they love. I want them to get in trouble. I want them to call me and tell me they messed up. This all gives me a chance to be present, to show up, to listen, to guide, and to reinforce that Dad is always in your corner.

“Dad, can I go…” YES! I want you out experiencing the world with your friends. There are about three reasons I say no: Family stuff will always come first, Logistics are impossible, and the big one, They broke trust and earned a no. 

Once they start to get freedoms, my default is to trust them within those freedoms until they prove me wrong. My default is that I know how they are being raised and I know who their role models and mentors are. So they get my trust until they break it. After its broken it can be a long road back, but it is always where I start. 

I try to compartmentalize my trust, for instance, if they crime is missing assignments, there are consequences, but that doesn’t mean I lose trust in them hanging out with friends or whatever. What it does mean is that I wont trust them until I verify with my eyes that their homework is done. If the excuse is that “I can only turn it in online and it isn’t working.” They get to show me all the different ways they are trying to turn it in and let me see that it isn’t working. Once their assignments are caught up, I am not keeping them grounded from everything else for an extended time. 

I base this philosophy on the fact that i have seen terrible kids turn out super successful and I’ve seen straight A students become addicts. Parenting is messy, Parenting is hard, we are all out here Dadding as hard as we can. 

What is important to me is knowing that my kids feel seen, heard, loved and respected. That combo pack means they feel safe. 

I would be interested in what kind of philosophy you have and how often you reflect on it. I reflect often because I have this nagging fear of inadequacy so I am always checking in on me to make sure I believe I am doing ok. Some folks call it doubting myself, but I prefer to frame it checking in. Definitely a more positive spin!

Balancing the Pillars: A Father’s Lesson on Presence vs. Provision

I am not going to make you read a whole article to find out. My biggest fear as a father or even as a person is inadequacy. 

I am scared to death that at any point for any moment in time, I will not be enough for my family. I won’t be there at a pivotal time. I wont be able to help. I won’t be able to show up and they will lose faith that dad is always there. Spiders and heights make me uncomfortable, inadequacy is the only REAL fear I have. 

Over the course of my life, I have realized that inadequacy happens when I let the pillars of fatherhood get out of balance. Rarely do I realize it in the moment, but when I reflect, I see it. My intentions are always pure, I think I am doing the right thing, but it will wind up costing me.

When my kids were very small, all 5 of them, I worked where we lived. I was dead set on providing the best I could. To me, this meant that I would put in as many hours of work as I needed to make the business work and to make our lives as easy financially as I could. Unfortunately this meant I was at work, A LOT. I was so focused on the Provider pillar that I was neglecting the pillar of Presence. 

I was so focused on the Provider Pillar that I was neglecting the Presence Pillar. At the time, I would have sworn up and down that I was doing the right thing and being a great dad. The problem was that by the time I came home, I was so worn out that I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down. IF the kids weren’t already in bed, it meant I was missing out on being a father. If the kids were asleep, I was failing as a husband. 

It wasn’t until I left that job that I had an epiphany: I was not being a good dad. In my head, my number one was my family, but my actions showed that work was the priority. I firmly believe that you can tell your priorities by asking someone else what they are. If they don’t match what you think they are it might be time to reconsider your actions. I reconsidered.

I spent time with my family, we played, we hung out, we made time for each other and it was great. They felt loved because I balanced my pillars. They felt provided for because I was providing. They also knew they were the priority.

Things never stay the way they are. If everything is terrible, this will pass. If everything is great, this will pass. 

So let’s fast forward. Years later, after ups and downs and all arounds, there was a season in my house that was difficult. Both of my sons came to me and said they were dealing with depression and my oldest an eating disorder as well. I took in the information as I always do. We talked. We stood united, us against a common enemy. 

As we dove into the issues, it became clear to me that this was so much bigger than what I had the ability to help with. 

I was entirely inadequate. 

There was a point where I had to look my boys in the face and admit to them that “I don’t know how to help.” 

That phrase still kills me inside. It hurts. I still see their eyes that seemed to scream at me and cry out to me that they needed me and I just wasn’t good enough. I am, in fact, almost paralyzed with the thought as I type this. The guy that is supposed to be leading them in becoming adults and men and good people was not strong enough or smart enough or compassionate enough or adequate or “father” enough to make this better.

As frightening as this was, it made me realize that I didn’t have to HAVE the answers to be adequate. I didn’t have to know how to handle everything. I needed to find balance in my pillars again and protect them the only way that made sense. Help them find someone who could help. I could be a protector by finding the resources for the quality help they needed. 

Being the man and father that your family needs isn’t about shouldering every burden, it turns out, it’s more about adapting and coming up with a plan. That was a tumultuous time, but we made it. My sons are more mature and find joy in life simply because I stood with them. I was there, I held them up when they couldn’t stand, I made sure the right pieces were in place to turn their situations around over time. I didn’t turn them around.

Here is the lesson: When pillars get imbalanced your best intentions can get derailed. When my protector pillar tries to take over the entire situation, I forget that providing resources and finding the right people to help can be part of protecting. Shouldering every burden will crush you. Finding the right help and resources IS protection! It can’t be only you in their corner. Get as many people in that corner as you can fit. Pride is a pillar killer. 

I see you dads. I hear you dads. You are not an island. 

Finding Purpose: Renewal and Revival

 When this blog started, it was a way for me, as a father, to cope with the worst case scenario, the loss of my son Carson. It was a way for me to emote, to share, to come to terms with being vulnerable and share my story. 12 years later, the world has changed, the situations have changed, fatherhood has changed. I have lived a lot since my fatherhood journey began and I have learned a couple of truths: Trying to do this alone is dumb, you are not an island, AND there are lots of ways to do fatherhood. 

The purpose of this blog isn’t to dictate how you “Dad”. I cannot offer you a script or a blueprint, rather I can offer insight and perspective. As fathers, it is our respinsibility to lift each other up, to challenge each other, talk to each other and not let any fathers be lost to the idea of being an island. It is so easy to get lost reacting to the chaos and noise, letting the circumstances lead your reactions. Instead I want to invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole of discovering your purpose and leading your family intentionally guided by that purpose and led by your values. This will build a culture of consistency and normalized expectations in your home. 

In the culture we are experiencing today there is a whole lot of noise. Everyone has the “Right answer”, or the “only way”. I would love if life were that easy, but after about 10 minutes of being a father, you will realize that nothing is that easy… ever. My approach will be to speak on fatherhood through 4 lenses, 4 pillars of Fatherhood if you will.

    The Protector - when I talk about the protector, it is easy to envision a “hero” like The Punisher. Badass bullet proof utility vest covered in personal protection supplies, holsters full of “negotiation” devices, military style combat boots and a “nothing gets to them except through me” attitude. Yes, protect your family from outside threats, they are looking to you for that, however, being a protector is so much more than that. You are not simply protecting their present. You are also protecting their future, their peace inside their home, their curiosity, their confidence… the list goes on. The protector balances the now with what comes next and how the future plays out. The more we consider protection, the more we realize, it is muddy and complicated.

    The Provider - the steward of time, attention, and resources - It used to be that bringing home money meant you were the provider. As long as Momma didn’t have to work and all the bills were paid, you won. That is no longer what this means. When we think about providing in today’s world, things are very different. As fathers we are providing, food, knowledge, safety, access to connectivity, functional homes, functional vehicles… etc! When we consider the provider role it used to mean just saying “yes” and “Here you go.” Today is so much more tactical. Yes and No are equally important and having the foresight to see the effects of each is paramount. 

    The Guide - the analog compass in a digital world - As the guide it is easy to think about leading the family with an iron fist. “I am the father, the man, the leader, we will do what I say because I am the smartest and best. Now do it.” I hate to tell you, fathering a child doesn’t make you any smarter than the day before you were a father. As the guide, it is important to know your North Star. What is your purpose and how do you use that to lead? Through your purpose and values, you will use those to guide your family and help them make decisions, avoiding making decisions for them when its right, and the hardest part, knowing when to do which.

    The Presence - the one who shows up - so this is probably the pillar with the least gray area. We all show up in different ways, but we have to show up. When someone in your family is passionate about something, when they are proud of something, when they have worked hard for something, we are there as cheer leaders, coaches, and witnesses. If we aren’t there, a hole is. You may not think it is a deal if you can be there or if you can’t, I promise you, as a father, they all want you there… all of them. 

As we go forward on this journey, lets talk, lets disagree, lets realize that there isn’t one way, but many ways. We will find out that everyone has different north stars, but we will also learn that we share north stars with many of our brothers in fatherhood. Let’s see where this leads us!

What do you even have to be scared of?

When I think of my seeking and finding habits over the last couple years, I realize that I spent all my seeking time trying to find an answer to the biggest fears that I had in my life. I spent my time searching for a solution to the source of my fears. The things that I am afraid of are things like instability, letting down my family in terms of lifestyle that they are used to, failing at having a profitable business, letting people see any of my insecurities, and things like that.



It was new, it was exciting, I was terrified. I had never started a business before. I didn’t know what needed to be done and really I didn’t much know where to even start.  I was so clueless about how to make this business a success that I didn’t even set a budget for the family, or even consider one.  The uncertainty I was facing caused crippling fear that I refused to admit to. Instead of admitting to the fear and facing it, I decided that it would be better to embrace the uncertainty and ride the wave to see where it went.  While this was probably not the “correct” choice, my family continued to eat, it got tight, but the bills got paid.  At the time I considered the family/work balance to be pretty even. I felt like it was going ok.

Looking back, my fear of setting any sort of real goal for my business probably hindered my growth and financial gains over the first year or so, but at least I hadn’t failed! If you don’t have any real goals, failure is not really an option.  I did a sneak and patted myself on the back for being and surviving as opposed to accomplishing any goals.

I lauded myself for moving to be back with family, for taking a risk, for the good things I did in the life that I left. I could look back and see that I had done good things.  Unfortunately, in all that looking back, I wasn’t looking forward.

Setting goals and challenging myself is what got me through the toughest time in my life. When Carson passed, the thing that kept me from self medication and abuse was setting up goals and knocking them down.  I took the feelings and emotions and put that energy into making myself a better dad, person, athlete. This time was different because I forgot that my best coping comes from giving myself direction and challenging myself. It was time to turn around and change my perspective.

I decided that it was time to challenge myself.  I set financial goals for my business. I set personal goals to spend quality time with my family.  It was time to become a person who was striving to better himself and his family again.

Since I decided that fear of failure was no longer going to rule me and hold me back, I have gotten back to doing things that I love and develop me as a better, father, husband, person, Christian, or better anything else.  I have a couple races back on the schedule, I am writing, I am back to more time serving, I am taking care of my nutrition better, I feel better, and I think most of all, I feel like I have things to be proud of again.

So push yourself, challenge yourself, leave something behind that doesn’t serve you, do things that make you proud and don’t be afraid.  

Always Seeking, Always Finding

There are new things on the horizon. I’m nervous, apprehensive, excited, but most of all I am ready for the stability of the future.  No longer will it be a constant search for more jobs and the next dollar, but I will get to decide the best way to help a family and teach a group of volunteers how to accomplish that.

With my return to stability and return to serving people will come a chance to seek again.  I feel like all my seeking has been for survival lately.  I have been seeking the dollars to make life possible for my family.  Unfortunately, this kind of seeking has not left me much to tap into for seeking self improvement, for growing my faith, for accomplishing other goals, or anything else.

February 12 marked 5 years since Carson passed away.  5 years... long time... quick time...

Nothing is the same now.  We live in a different place, we have different jobs, everyone is older, the kids are starting to get into their own activities, starting to explore interests, and I feel like I have all but shut myself off from things that aren’t work or immediate family matters, reactive.

As soon as I had opportunities on the horizon, I felt a shift.  I was excited to do my thing again.  I had motivation to strap on shoes and run.  I felt motivated to write more... or at all. Stability is what I have been seeking and now that I have found that, it seems as though my seeking can continue for what I would prefer to find.

Over the years, there have been situations where I have felt abandoned by God.  I have felt like the only way through would be deeper into the sad, to yell, scream, self medicate, or some other self serving behavior that wouldn’t work.  I’ve felt like I had to do everything myself.  These are the times that I was so self focused I didn’t realize that I had stopped searching for the resources or aide I needed on the journey.  It was like I was sitting in a room just yelling to myself that things weren’t right, but I wasn’t going to leave my little room to seek out a way for it to get better.

In the heart of these times is when I’ve had to be self aware enough to make a change.  Where ive had to realize that my actions, or inactions, needed to find a new trajectory.  It is in those times that I realized, that I simply couldn’t help myself.

See, I have discovered that Jesus is always there.  He is around when things are good, he is around when things are bad, he is around when you feel alone, he is around when you feel cherished.  The problem for us, for me, is that sometimes I feel like it is his job to find me and make everything better, like immediately.  Unfortunately for a guy like me who gets self centered and entitled, that isn’t how it works.  If I don’t put in the work, good things don’t happen.  So then it is incumbent upon me to seek shelter, to seek peace and comfort in Christ.  If I do not seek, I will not find.

Last week, I told a group of middle schoolers that if you are hungry, sitting in the living and screaming the word “HUNGRY” will not change your situation.  The simple way to fix the problem of being hungry is to head to the kitchen and seek out food to eat. Clearly this is an over simplification, because emotional and spiritual hunger cannot always be solved with a simple answer.  We may have to seek out a restaurant, grocery store, someone else’s kitchen, or any number of other resources to fill the hunger that we are experiencing.  The point though is that we must seek them out, we cannot simply sit idle and hope everything works itself out.

I don’t know what you are hungry for, I am not aware of your life situation, but I know that without seeking, you will not find.  This faith we have is a two way street.  Jesus is there for us, but if we don’t do our part, nothing changes.  Take 15, 30, 60 minutes, however long and think about what you are seeking. Are you seeking what you are actually hoping to find? Is what you are seeking the most beneficial for your current situation? Does it match what you say your priorities are?

Unselfish Me Time

Father’s Day and the week after was kind of a fast and furious week. We took a surprise trip to Denver to see family and sit with Grandma in the hospital. I spent the week among people I love and gave my time and my sanity to them. It was a week well spent. The things that didn’t happen, were the time that I take for me.

The next week, my parents went on a bike ride for a few days and I was leading solo at work projects and trying to keep a schedule between work and family. I also did not take time for me that week. From Sunday through Friday, I didn’t take time for me.

Last week, I did not have a blog post. I was uninspired and preoccupied by work, family, money and the rest of everything else. I let me become less of a priority than almost everything else. I didn’t eat right, I didn’t train, I didn’t write, I didn’t do anything for me.

Finally, Saturday morning, yesterday, I got up and ran! I ran 7 miles. I may not have been quite in shape enough for that, but I did it. Within the first couple miles, I was back into my head, I was inspired, I was ready to write.

This for me was evidence that I must take time for myself to be my best self. I don’t mean that I need to go do things that would have a negative impact on everyone else because it’s what I want to do, but to do things that put me in a place to better serve my family, my friends, my clients, and the people I come in contact with each day.

How do I decide what is positive or productive “Me Time” and what is negative or selfish? Well, Here are a few questions I ask myself:

• Is this something that I would like to have remain a secret?
• Is there a like minded group of people that would enjoy doing this activity with me?
• If it costs money, is it something I can actually afford?
• Am I Proud of this thing?

I guess the first question should be: Is it legal? Ha ha! That’s a good place to start. 

My theory is, if you don’t have positive answers to these questions, you might reevaluate you priorities and what you consider “Me Time”. I am not here to say what is a “good or bad” thing, that is something you have to consider for yourself.

Ultimately, if you spend all of your time pouring yourself out, you will run out of self to pour. Even the biggest containers have limits to what they can put out if they are not replenished from time to time. 

I would like to follow up on this next week with Leaky Cup Syndrome. Life has normal ups and downs anyway, sometimes it is just not possible to fill ourselves all the way back up. What then?

How Do I Know What to Say?

I consider myself to be fairly patient.  I like to think about my reactions before I act. I consider many options before choosing something and I take my time making the decision.  This week, my patience was put to the test a little bit.

I was doing some work for a person whom I knew from our previous time in Omaha. We chatted all morning about lots of things, and got to the subject of family.  She asked about the kids and all of the polite things one should. When I brought up Carson and explained that he had passed away, but that he was our little boy who had Down syndrome, the response almost knocked me on my butt.

“That must be how it was supposed to be. Just imagine the life he would have had.”

Now, I have been grieving, I have watched people grieve, I have helped people grieve,and we all struggle to find the right words to say. We all want to have the words that ride with someone that become a mantra for them so that we can be the wise hero that pulled the from a perpetual future funk.

Stop it.

That is selfish. Just send a cheesy card if that is what you are looking for.  If you can’t show up with open ears and an open heart, just stay home.  This is a time for listening, for putting others first.  Showing up out of obligation, showing up to be a hero, showing up because you think you can be the friend that appears from the shadows to right all wrongs and bring balance to an emotional chaos is a waste.

When you show up out of love, sincerity, compassion and hope, then we are getting somewhere.  The most important people on my journey ever thought that they were a knight in shining armor was far less than.

So, that brings me to a quick little helpful list, in no particular order, of things that you don’t need to say to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one... of any age:

Heaven needed another angel.
It was God’s plan.
That’s how it was supposed to be.
God needed them.
Time will heal all wounds.
You will get over this.
You will get through this.
Anything that you think will make you look awesome.

This list is by no means comprehensive, there are plenty of things you could say that while on the surface seem comforting, are actually less than helpful.

The second line, “imagine what his life would have been like”.  Everyday.  Everyday I imagine what his life would have been like. Every night I imagine what bedtime would be like. Every morning I wish I had another morning.  In stark contrast to the way it was said, always “imagine what their life would have been like.” Some days, that’s the only thing that helps.