I am scared to death that at any point for any moment in time, I will not be enough for my family. I won’t be there at a pivotal time. I wont be able to help. I won’t be able to show up and they will lose faith that dad is always there. Spiders and heights make me uncomfortable, inadequacy is the only REAL fear I have.
Over the course of my life, I have realized that inadequacy happens when I let the pillars of fatherhood get out of balance. Rarely do I realize it in the moment, but when I reflect, I see it. My intentions are always pure, I think I am doing the right thing, but it will wind up costing me.
When my kids were very small, all 5 of them, I worked where we lived. I was dead set on providing the best I could. To me, this meant that I would put in as many hours of work as I needed to make the business work and to make our lives as easy financially as I could. Unfortunately this meant I was at work, A LOT. I was so focused on the Provider pillar that I was neglecting the pillar of Presence.
I was so focused on the Provider Pillar that I was neglecting the Presence Pillar. At the time, I would have sworn up and down that I was doing the right thing and being a great dad. The problem was that by the time I came home, I was so worn out that I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down. IF the kids weren’t already in bed, it meant I was missing out on being a father. If the kids were asleep, I was failing as a husband.
It wasn’t until I left that job that I had an epiphany: I was not being a good dad. In my head, my number one was my family, but my actions showed that work was the priority. I firmly believe that you can tell your priorities by asking someone else what they are. If they don’t match what you think they are it might be time to reconsider your actions. I reconsidered.
I spent time with my family, we played, we hung out, we made time for each other and it was great. They felt loved because I balanced my pillars. They felt provided for because I was providing. They also knew they were the priority.
Things never stay the way they are. If everything is terrible, this will pass. If everything is great, this will pass.
So let’s fast forward. Years later, after ups and downs and all arounds, there was a season in my house that was difficult. Both of my sons came to me and said they were dealing with depression and my oldest an eating disorder as well. I took in the information as I always do. We talked. We stood united, us against a common enemy.
As we dove into the issues, it became clear to me that this was so much bigger than what I had the ability to help with.
I was entirely inadequate.
There was a point where I had to look my boys in the face and admit to them that “I don’t know how to help.”
That phrase still kills me inside. It hurts. I still see their eyes that seemed to scream at me and cry out to me that they needed me and I just wasn’t good enough. I am, in fact, almost paralyzed with the thought as I type this. The guy that is supposed to be leading them in becoming adults and men and good people was not strong enough or smart enough or compassionate enough or adequate or “father” enough to make this better.
As frightening as this was, it made me realize that I didn’t have to HAVE the answers to be adequate. I didn’t have to know how to handle everything. I needed to find balance in my pillars again and protect them the only way that made sense. Help them find someone who could help. I could be a protector by finding the resources for the quality help they needed.
Being the man and father that your family needs isn’t about shouldering every burden, it turns out, it’s more about adapting and coming up with a plan. That was a tumultuous time, but we made it. My sons are more mature and find joy in life simply because I stood with them. I was there, I held them up when they couldn’t stand, I made sure the right pieces were in place to turn their situations around over time. I didn’t turn them around.
Here is the lesson: When pillars get imbalanced your best intentions can get derailed. When my protector pillar tries to take over the entire situation, I forget that providing resources and finding the right people to help can be part of protecting. Shouldering every burden will crush you. Finding the right help and resources IS protection! It can’t be only you in their corner. Get as many people in that corner as you can fit. Pride is a pillar killer.
I see you dads. I hear you dads. You are not an island.
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