Balance is always the key word in our 4 pillars. It will always be tough. Here is one where we find an especially tough rub.
Where is the line between protector, guide, and controlling? When do we stop providing freedom for experience and stop providing our families making their own path in the world?
In my family and the way that I parent, i view it as my job to influence the development of values in my kids. Personally, my daily goal is to be a net positive on those I come across. That means that no matter my level of interaction with you, I don’t want to leave you feeling worse about yourself or your situation. That’s all, be a net positive. I have worked with my kids since a young age to influence the behaviors to be a net positive on people. That being said, I try not to govern their decision making in a way that they have no choice but to do that. Obviously the younger they are, the more I help dictate their specific actions in a concrete good and bad way, but as they get older, they have the freedom to make choices and experience how they play out.
These days “Gentle Parenting” gets a bad wrap, but I believe that’s because it is simply misused. When kids are young, up to 8, 9, 10, they require concrete boundaries and immediate feedback. This is where kids can have firm boundaries because I am definitely not counting on them to make good decisions. They won’t. Their brains don’t work in a realm of grey areas and abstract ideas yet, so they need the concrete to set them up for the future.
As they grow and their brains grow, that is when they need to start having low risk freedom. I mean, lets be honest, middle school starts a new level of freedom during the day at school and you are no longer able to police all of their actions during the day. They have 8 teachers instead of one, they are moving through the hallways where there is general supervision, but largely they are responsible for their own movements and actions. Middle school is the first time that they experience a taste of freedom.
This is a pretty big step. Do you trust them with complete freedom? No! Why? They haven’t had to be here yet! While I don’t trust them and I know for a fact that they are going to mess up, that is why we experience freedom in bite size pieces. Like the change from walking in lines with their teacher in elementary school to self governed hallway transitions from class to class in middle school. One small thing that helps them set the stage for timely transportation and transition from place to place in their adult life. Small, but to them feels like a major step. Freedom comes in small steps, but I believe whole heartedly that we have to let them step out of line a bit and find consequences of their own.
This is important because the boundaries will be pushed! Here is the kicker, at this stage in life, the kids don’t just trust blindly. This is where they start to trust you for when things go wrong and boundaries are crossed. When they screw up, your reaction dictates how safe they feel to bring you the next thing. This is where we begin to lean into the guide pillar. Up until now, you were protecting them with tight guidance and very clear rules. As they get older, we become more focused on being the banks to their river, consistent, keeping them on the right path, really guiding them to trust us while becoming who they are.
I think there is an important point to make here. The world is SO different from when you were that age. I dont care how young of a parent you are, this is 100% true. What worked for you, IS NOT, what will be guaranteed to work for them. There are dynamics at play these days that you never dreamt of. The pressures come from different places, for different things. This IS NOT simple to comprehend for most. When we grew up quick correction was easy because if you were going to say something dumb it came out of your mouth and your parents likely heard it. NOW, there are 1000 avenues to take to misstep and get in trouble. Just think of your own phone. 50 apps that all do different things, but still connect us in some way to 1000 other people. We never dealt with this as kids. We had school, outside with friends, and home. That was about it!
So where is the balance between guidance, protection and control? Ultimately its up to you. Do you police every app, every contact, every message? Do you hit them with the Life360 Top line membership and see every single thing they are doing everywhere? Security cameras are cheap now, do you put them in the house? Out of the house? Car cameras? I don’t know the exact right answer.
As my kids grow up, I have told them and then reminded them again and again that I want to say yes. I want them to have great experiences with great people and grow a phenomenal network of friends and people in their corner. I want them to try new things and discover new things they love. I want them to get in trouble. I want them to call me and tell me they messed up. This all gives me a chance to be present, to show up, to listen, to guide, and to reinforce that Dad is always in your corner.
“Dad, can I go…” YES! I want you out experiencing the world with your friends. There are about three reasons I say no: Family stuff will always come first, Logistics are impossible, and the big one, They broke trust and earned a no.
Once they start to get freedoms, my default is to trust them within those freedoms until they prove me wrong. My default is that I know how they are being raised and I know who their role models and mentors are. So they get my trust until they break it. After its broken it can be a long road back, but it is always where I start.
I try to compartmentalize my trust, for instance, if they crime is missing assignments, there are consequences, but that doesn’t mean I lose trust in them hanging out with friends or whatever. What it does mean is that I wont trust them until I verify with my eyes that their homework is done. If the excuse is that “I can only turn it in online and it isn’t working.” They get to show me all the different ways they are trying to turn it in and let me see that it isn’t working. Once their assignments are caught up, I am not keeping them grounded from everything else for an extended time.
I base this philosophy on the fact that i have seen terrible kids turn out super successful and I’ve seen straight A students become addicts. Parenting is messy, Parenting is hard, we are all out here Dadding as hard as we can.
What is important to me is knowing that my kids feel seen, heard, loved and respected. That combo pack means they feel safe.
I would be interested in what kind of philosophy you have and how often you reflect on it. I reflect often because I have this nagging fear of inadequacy so I am always checking in on me to make sure I believe I am doing ok. Some folks call it doubting myself, but I prefer to frame it checking in. Definitely a more positive spin!
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