Mixed Up Emotions, We Aren't The Same

Even before we were parents, we were experiencing this.  We were in the process of growing baby number two. After a doctor appointment I wanted some breakfast.  I decided Burger King was the way to go and Julie said she was not that hungry. It was a drive through situation, so I pulled up and as we waited, she decided in true pregnant lady fashion that a chicken sandwich sounded good.  it was still breakfast menu, so I was concerned that we would not be able to accomplish a craving fulfillment.  We pulled up to the speaker, I asked about the sandwich, even using the pregnant lady card, and was told, "Negatory on the sandarino." (Not a direct quote, but I thought it was more interesting that way)

As I pulled through to the window, Julie yelled at me, "Don't laugh at me!". I was certainly confused as there was not so much as a snicker from the driver's seat. I turned to ask what she was talking about and was met with fairly heavy sobbing and crocodile tears. We had a moment where I was trying really hard to be sympathetic, but trying really hard not to laugh about the traumatic chicken sandwich incident.  Mixed emotions and the different ways we handle things are hard.

I run into this problem more as a Dad because I think more childish things are funny than my wife does.  Incidentally, children do childish things.  More often than not, if I am giggling about something the kids said, I am simultaneously getting an"Are you serious?" Look from my wife. I earn them a lot.

The difference in humor shows up most clear on trips to the local grocery establishment.  Once the kids started being able to read, it was over.  Once we made the mistake of going to the check out aisle with the home enema kits.  The oldest boy had some interesting observations. I was stifling my laughter, albeit not very well, through phrases that ended with "in your butt?" Julie was less than impressed with him and my lack of motivation to stop him from such chatter. I just try to put myself in the check out lane next to us and think " would this conversation make my day?". If the answer is yes, I let it continue and just giggle.  If not, I am more apt to cut it off quickly.

Much in the same way we have different humor, we have different paths to walk through grief and different methods of coping when it is overwhelming.  I grieve far different than Julie does. She takes time and reflects quietly and alone, she also emotes.  I do to, to a certain extent, but I like to train harder and sweat more, I also like to write.

We have been grieving for a while now. We have been in cycles, and differing degrees of grief for a long time and we have seen each other at our highest and lowest points.  Those each look far different for us as individuals.  As parents, as a couple, as a family we have to understand that my way of grieving, her way of grieving or anyone else's way is not any better or worse than any other without n healthy boundaries. (Barring, of course, substance abuse and self-harm)

Time lines, stages, cycles, what ever part of grief you are talking about, is not linear.  There is not a natural and constant progression.  Some days are good and some days breathing is a monumental feat.

Try to remember these things as we plow through one day at a time.  Grief is not easy and everyone does it there own way.  We can't force people to move through grief, but we can encourage them and try to help them not get stuck there. The only way to keep from getting stuck is to push through intentionally. To practice being uncomfortable intentionally. To pray like it depends on God and to work like it depends on you.

See you next week.