When this blog started, it was a way for me, as a father, to cope with the worst case scenario, the loss of my son Carson. It was a way for me to emote, to share, to come to terms with being vulnerable and share my story. 12 years later, the world has changed, the situations have changed, fatherhood has changed. I have lived a lot since my fatherhood journey began and I have learned a couple of truths: Trying to do this alone is dumb, you are not an island, AND there are lots of ways to do fatherhood.
The purpose of this blog isn’t to dictate how you “Dad”. I cannot offer you a script or a blueprint, rather I can offer insight and perspective. As fathers, it is our respinsibility to lift each other up, to challenge each other, talk to each other and not let any fathers be lost to the idea of being an island. It is so easy to get lost reacting to the chaos and noise, letting the circumstances lead your reactions. Instead I want to invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole of discovering your purpose and leading your family intentionally guided by that purpose and led by your values. This will build a culture of consistency and normalized expectations in your home.
In the culture we are experiencing today there is a whole lot of noise. Everyone has the “Right answer”, or the “only way”. I would love if life were that easy, but after about 10 minutes of being a father, you will realize that nothing is that easy… ever. My approach will be to speak on fatherhood through 4 lenses, 4 pillars of Fatherhood if you will.
The Protector - when I talk about the protector, it is easy to envision a “hero” like The Punisher. Badass bullet proof utility vest covered in personal protection supplies, holsters full of “negotiation” devices, military style combat boots and a “nothing gets to them except through me” attitude. Yes, protect your family from outside threats, they are looking to you for that, however, being a protector is so much more than that. You are not simply protecting their present. You are also protecting their future, their peace inside their home, their curiosity, their confidence… the list goes on. The protector balances the now with what comes next and how the future plays out. The more we consider protection, the more we realize, it is muddy and complicated.
The Provider - the steward of time, attention, and resources - It used to be that bringing home money meant you were the provider. As long as Momma didn’t have to work and all the bills were paid, you won. That is no longer what this means. When we think about providing in today’s world, things are very different. As fathers we are providing, food, knowledge, safety, access to connectivity, functional homes, functional vehicles… etc! When we consider the provider role it used to mean just saying “yes” and “Here you go.” Today is so much more tactical. Yes and No are equally important and having the foresight to see the effects of each is paramount.
The Guide - the analog compass in a digital world - As the guide it is easy to think about leading the family with an iron fist. “I am the father, the man, the leader, we will do what I say because I am the smartest and best. Now do it.” I hate to tell you, fathering a child doesn’t make you any smarter than the day before you were a father. As the guide, it is important to know your North Star. What is your purpose and how do you use that to lead? Through your purpose and values, you will use those to guide your family and help them make decisions, avoiding making decisions for them when its right, and the hardest part, knowing when to do which.
The Presence - the one who shows up - so this is probably the pillar with the least gray area. We all show up in different ways, but we have to show up. When someone in your family is passionate about something, when they are proud of something, when they have worked hard for something, we are there as cheer leaders, coaches, and witnesses. If we aren’t there, a hole is. You may not think it is a deal if you can be there or if you can’t, I promise you, as a father, they all want you there… all of them.
As we go forward on this journey, lets talk, lets disagree, lets realize that there isn’t one way, but many ways. We will find out that everyone has different north stars, but we will also learn that we share north stars with many of our brothers in fatherhood. Let’s see where this leads us!
