I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
