Handling every day life becomes about planning and routine. You can make a plan and feel like you have your head above water. You can make a budget and see where your money is going. Life doesn't work that way all of the time.
Life isn't all plannable. Things will come up and most of the time, the surprises that affect us the most are not good surprises. This week I want to talk a little about handling hard surprises in life and what that means for me.
I have lost jobs, I have lost pets, friends, grandparents and a child. I have gotten injured. I have had money collected and garnished. Things happen in life and one of the first things that I learned in each event is that trying to go through it alone is a terrible idea. Isolation and saying, "I just need to handle this on my own", is not smart. It is also selfish. I know that seems backwards, but not allowing people to help you is selfish. People want to help and when they help, it will shorten your time of suffering. When that time is shortened, you can get back to being supportive and productive. Having a community of support around you is important.
Often times, we feel as though we have no support and have no community. That would indicate to me that it is time to go find one. Find a support group, go to church, go to the store, library, or any place where people are social enough that it won't be considered outwardly strange to talk to people. The Men's Room between urinals is not a good place to chat with a new friend. (After all, there are unwritten rules that must be respected!) Finding a community, a team is important because there are things that you won't think of, won't be able to do, might have questions, or even just get some feedback. A community is paramount, especially if you feel like you don't "want" one. That is a great time to find one.
Your community has connections. They might have connections for a new job, connections to a good therapist, a high recommendation for a doctor, someone who will help you with a task you have lost the ability to do, or any number of other needs you may not quite know how to fill.
There is a process of Grief, which I believe can happen for any negative surprise. Process, to me, is not quite the right word. Process feels far to linear. Grief is all but linear. There is one part of grief where you lie to yourself and pretend it didn't really happen. This for me was quickly squashed by grabbing breakfast dishes or doing laundry. The morning after Carson passed I had a total melt down when I could not figure out how many plates I needed. My brain knew what 5 - 1 equalled, but I could not fish that number out of my head. It was months before I didn't have to think slowly and deliberately through the number of plates I would need for a given meal. Unexpected circumstances yield unexpected results.
There is more to handling the unexpected, it is so different for everybody, that this could go for days, so hopefully throughout the year we will hit lots of different bits of this.
One thing that happens when you get to an unexpected point, you want to know why and you want to know who to blame. Those can be two of the most incredibly difficult questions to answer, sometimes impossible. In our case, with Carson, we have tried to justify it, come up with a why, but nothing makes sense.
"God is testing you." That is so far from logic that it hurts. Why would my understanding of life and my devotion be worth the price of someone else's life? That is ridiculous.
"It was God's plan." I cannot subscribe to this either. I do not believe that God "plans" super awful things. God plans for me to be determined enough to honor the memory of my son to ask Him to make something good out of this unfortunate event. He didn't plan to take Carson from us like a bully heading over to the little kid basketball game on the playground just to take the ball. Seems unlikely.
Maybe God simply doesn't like me. If that were true, I wouldn't have been made in the first place. God loves all of us more than we can wrap our heads around. If you are in a crap season where everything is a struggle, remember that all good things are from the Lord, not the bad ones.
If anyone tells you "God needed..." you can stop them right there. God doesn't need anything that we can give. He is the provider, the alpha and omega. To insinuate that He "needs something from us implies that we are above Him and that is not true.
When the unexpected happens, God is in your community. God is in your corner pushing you on. God is giving you the strength to stand that day. God is giving you the peace to even talk to people. God is giving you the patience to deal with whatever is coming.
The unexpected is not always good, but you can take steps to make it less awful. Build a community and build a relationship with Christ.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Handling Life: A Life Long Journey
Life is hard. Life is crazy. Life is unpredictable.
Sometimes handling life is simply survival and other times, you feel like you are kind of on top of it. I find that with my children still being fairly young, even when I go on vacation, I come back more tired than when I left. Life has no vacation. Life is always happening no matter where we are. At work? Life happens. At home? Life happens. At school? Life happens. In Cincinnati? Life will still happen. There is no place we can hide and no way to convince it to wait a minute. It takes practice, but you can feel more often like you are handling life rather than being handled.
Regular everyday, mundane life is something that we forget to cherish. We forget that pouring over budget numbers for the coming month means that we have an income that is probably greater than most of the rest of the world. When you look through your calendar and realize that there is no you time for the next three days means you probably have a job and a busy family and there are many folks who can only dream about that. This is the kind of life that we can prepare for, the expected, the ordinary.
You can build a solid budget so you don't have to be one of the way too many who spent more than they brought in last year. Building a budget is not rocket science. Take how much money you make in a month and subtract your expenses. If your number is less than zero, you have a problem. Figure out what you don't need to buy that month until you can get to zero. Boom! Budget! I also would suggest finding a Financial Peace University Class near you. It is an incredible program that will turn your money life right side up. Google it. Find it. Change yourself.
I have on my phone, a calendar. I have it tied to my Google Calendar. Anything I put there goes to my phone. It let's me know 30 minutes early that an event is starting. I don't have to miss out on any more important meetings, birthdays, events, happenings, box socials, or anything else. Calendars are a phenomenal thing where you can take the predictable, ordinary, and expected parts of your life and be prepared for them.
You can also set goals. Goals are specific things you want to accomplish in a concrete amount of time. You can put that on the Calendar too! I have family goals, relationship goals with my wife, triathlon goals, financial goals, social goals, work goals and probably more goals. If they were not some where easy to find, I wouldn't keep up, so I put them on the calendar. Goals are an easy way to keep yourself on track. You can see, very literally, all of the baby steps and you can watch your hard work pay off. Sometimes though, goals have to be altered, calendars need changing and budgets need an overhaul. Sometimes life is unpredictable.
Life is known for throwing curve balls. Just when you feel like you have a handle on things, the handle breaks. Just when you feel like you are getting on your financial feet, your car breaks down. Just when you feel like you are emotionally a little more stable, trigger. Just when you feel like things are looking up, crash.
Life is not predictable, no calendar will get you ready for the unthinkable. Carson was not lost on a schedule. I didn't have it penciled in. I wasn't prepared and I sure wasn't ready. There are about 3 weeks of my life that I can only remember bits and pieces of because things were crazy and life was too real. Death isn't the only curve ball. Laid off, fired, cancer, illness, injury, car accident, there are a million different ways for life to surprise us and it seems like we dread the negatives more than we want to wait for a positive. Negatives impact us in a major way and there is no real way around it. If we don't get any major positive unexpecteds, our life simply trucks on at status quo.
The only way we have to prepare for these is by building a relationship with Jesus Christ. Some of you don't want to hear it and some of you feel like you have been burned before, but I am for real. Getting your spiritual life in order will do greater things for you than any other change you could possibly make. Just like any other change though, it will take practice. I would invite you to start with a gratitude journal. Take 5 minutes each day and simply write about 5 things you are thankful for and where they came from. This is a great place to start.
See you next week, until then, pray like it depends on GOD and work like it depends on YOU.
Sometimes handling life is simply survival and other times, you feel like you are kind of on top of it. I find that with my children still being fairly young, even when I go on vacation, I come back more tired than when I left. Life has no vacation. Life is always happening no matter where we are. At work? Life happens. At home? Life happens. At school? Life happens. In Cincinnati? Life will still happen. There is no place we can hide and no way to convince it to wait a minute. It takes practice, but you can feel more often like you are handling life rather than being handled.
Regular everyday, mundane life is something that we forget to cherish. We forget that pouring over budget numbers for the coming month means that we have an income that is probably greater than most of the rest of the world. When you look through your calendar and realize that there is no you time for the next three days means you probably have a job and a busy family and there are many folks who can only dream about that. This is the kind of life that we can prepare for, the expected, the ordinary.
You can build a solid budget so you don't have to be one of the way too many who spent more than they brought in last year. Building a budget is not rocket science. Take how much money you make in a month and subtract your expenses. If your number is less than zero, you have a problem. Figure out what you don't need to buy that month until you can get to zero. Boom! Budget! I also would suggest finding a Financial Peace University Class near you. It is an incredible program that will turn your money life right side up. Google it. Find it. Change yourself.
I have on my phone, a calendar. I have it tied to my Google Calendar. Anything I put there goes to my phone. It let's me know 30 minutes early that an event is starting. I don't have to miss out on any more important meetings, birthdays, events, happenings, box socials, or anything else. Calendars are a phenomenal thing where you can take the predictable, ordinary, and expected parts of your life and be prepared for them.
You can also set goals. Goals are specific things you want to accomplish in a concrete amount of time. You can put that on the Calendar too! I have family goals, relationship goals with my wife, triathlon goals, financial goals, social goals, work goals and probably more goals. If they were not some where easy to find, I wouldn't keep up, so I put them on the calendar. Goals are an easy way to keep yourself on track. You can see, very literally, all of the baby steps and you can watch your hard work pay off. Sometimes though, goals have to be altered, calendars need changing and budgets need an overhaul. Sometimes life is unpredictable.
Life is known for throwing curve balls. Just when you feel like you have a handle on things, the handle breaks. Just when you feel like you are getting on your financial feet, your car breaks down. Just when you feel like you are emotionally a little more stable, trigger. Just when you feel like things are looking up, crash.
Life is not predictable, no calendar will get you ready for the unthinkable. Carson was not lost on a schedule. I didn't have it penciled in. I wasn't prepared and I sure wasn't ready. There are about 3 weeks of my life that I can only remember bits and pieces of because things were crazy and life was too real. Death isn't the only curve ball. Laid off, fired, cancer, illness, injury, car accident, there are a million different ways for life to surprise us and it seems like we dread the negatives more than we want to wait for a positive. Negatives impact us in a major way and there is no real way around it. If we don't get any major positive unexpecteds, our life simply trucks on at status quo.
The only way we have to prepare for these is by building a relationship with Jesus Christ. Some of you don't want to hear it and some of you feel like you have been burned before, but I am for real. Getting your spiritual life in order will do greater things for you than any other change you could possibly make. Just like any other change though, it will take practice. I would invite you to start with a gratitude journal. Take 5 minutes each day and simply write about 5 things you are thankful for and where they came from. This is a great place to start.
See you next week, until then, pray like it depends on GOD and work like it depends on YOU.
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Gratitude, Intentionality and Role Models
My children are constant reminders to me that no matter what I am doing, no matter where I am, someone is watching. Some are watching and looking up to us and some are watching to look down. Either way, we are all setting examples all the time. The past couple weeks, I have really focused on me. Not the selfish Ironman training way, but the becoming a better person way.
On this journey to a new way of being, I have been intentional about what I am doing. I have tried to be intentional about my use of time and about being grateful. For example, at work, whatever project I am working on, I have blocked out a set amount of time and have only worked on that project during that time. I try not to let my mind wander, but focus entirely on the task at hand. I have been able to get more done faster! I do the same things at home, but with family, I try to block out everything that isn't them. I try to ignore my phone, be engaged, be present and be patient. My thoughts don't center around everything else I have to do, I know that the time for that will come. Being planned out and intentional has freed me up so much, I get to spend some time blogging!
I know that I am going to be an example on the good days and the kids will learn how I handle good days. I will be a role model on bad days as well and the kids will learn how I react when things aren't going well. I want my family to know that it is ok to be excited, it is ok to feel happy, it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry or hurt, but flying off the handle rarely gets anything done and rarely resolves a situation. So I try to model an almost stoic being. I look up to people who have an air of patience and stoicism about them. When they respond to situations it is with patience and a calculated thoughtfulness. I feel like they are wise and I want my kids to view me as wise, so I try to model that for them the best I can.
Chances are when my kids are doing ridiculous things that I don't like, they probably learned it from me or my wife. When my boys think they are being funny and then take it too far, that is my teaching by far! When the kids accidentally say a swear word, chances are it was their mother who taught them that. (wink) But good or bad, they learned it somewhere and it was probably us!
I talk a lot about my kids, but that is not the only people you are an example for. When you run into people who know your story, many times you will hear, "I can't believe how good they are doing" or "yeah, life is really hard for them, I can't imagine". These are things that people say when they are looking to you as an example. You can be someone's hope or you can be someone's bleak outlook.
I strive to be a grateful example. I choose to live in gratitude. I choose to say thank you for everything. I choose to find joy despite things not going my way sometimes. I choose to have good days, even on bad days. I choose to live as if I am always doing ok. I assure you that I am not always doing ok. I have found that intentionally being grateful has a profound impact on the way I act and things I do. I went on a complaining fast. Every time I started to complain, I had to state 5 things I was thankful for. I started with just a week, but after that, I just kept cruising! It felt so much better to not be complaining!
There are certain emotions that accompany complaining. Those emotions are quickly shut out when you jump straight into gratitude. It is hard to be crabby and sarcastic and gross when you are saying thanks for at least 5 things. Emotions and venting have a time and place, and part of the battle that we face every day is knowing when and where that needs to and is safe to happen. Setting an example is something that you are going to do no matter what. It is up to you what kind of example you set. you can set an example that allows people to look down or you can set an example that people look up to. You can be someone that people respect.
I choose to be a good example, a gracious example, a respectful example and a positive example.
Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you.
On this journey to a new way of being, I have been intentional about what I am doing. I have tried to be intentional about my use of time and about being grateful. For example, at work, whatever project I am working on, I have blocked out a set amount of time and have only worked on that project during that time. I try not to let my mind wander, but focus entirely on the task at hand. I have been able to get more done faster! I do the same things at home, but with family, I try to block out everything that isn't them. I try to ignore my phone, be engaged, be present and be patient. My thoughts don't center around everything else I have to do, I know that the time for that will come. Being planned out and intentional has freed me up so much, I get to spend some time blogging!
I know that I am going to be an example on the good days and the kids will learn how I handle good days. I will be a role model on bad days as well and the kids will learn how I react when things aren't going well. I want my family to know that it is ok to be excited, it is ok to feel happy, it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry or hurt, but flying off the handle rarely gets anything done and rarely resolves a situation. So I try to model an almost stoic being. I look up to people who have an air of patience and stoicism about them. When they respond to situations it is with patience and a calculated thoughtfulness. I feel like they are wise and I want my kids to view me as wise, so I try to model that for them the best I can.
Chances are when my kids are doing ridiculous things that I don't like, they probably learned it from me or my wife. When my boys think they are being funny and then take it too far, that is my teaching by far! When the kids accidentally say a swear word, chances are it was their mother who taught them that. (wink) But good or bad, they learned it somewhere and it was probably us!
I talk a lot about my kids, but that is not the only people you are an example for. When you run into people who know your story, many times you will hear, "I can't believe how good they are doing" or "yeah, life is really hard for them, I can't imagine". These are things that people say when they are looking to you as an example. You can be someone's hope or you can be someone's bleak outlook.
I strive to be a grateful example. I choose to live in gratitude. I choose to say thank you for everything. I choose to find joy despite things not going my way sometimes. I choose to have good days, even on bad days. I choose to live as if I am always doing ok. I assure you that I am not always doing ok. I have found that intentionally being grateful has a profound impact on the way I act and things I do. I went on a complaining fast. Every time I started to complain, I had to state 5 things I was thankful for. I started with just a week, but after that, I just kept cruising! It felt so much better to not be complaining!
There are certain emotions that accompany complaining. Those emotions are quickly shut out when you jump straight into gratitude. It is hard to be crabby and sarcastic and gross when you are saying thanks for at least 5 things. Emotions and venting have a time and place, and part of the battle that we face every day is knowing when and where that needs to and is safe to happen. Setting an example is something that you are going to do no matter what. It is up to you what kind of example you set. you can set an example that allows people to look down or you can set an example that people look up to. You can be someone that people respect.
I choose to be a good example, a gracious example, a respectful example and a positive example.
Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Panic in the Club and Christmas
Christmas was here.
We have a deal made with my family. We go see them on Thanksgiving and everyone comes to our house for Christmas. It is busy and chaotic and fun and everything.
Let me go back to the week before Christmas. On Sunday night, our oldest was sick. He had a stomach ache and a mild fever. That is not usually an issue for me, but he was up moaning and groaning about every 35 minutes or so. His mother dealt with him the first time, but then she fell asleep and it became my job. Again, not a big deal, I am a father, but I am a father who can handle whatever I need to handle.
So, I fed him some tums and sent him back to bed. As he lay in bed, I stood there watching. He was doing a little bit of writhing and a lot more moaning and groaning. He very suddenly went silent. In my head, this was a good thing, but in my heart, I could not get past a feeling of panic. When it stopped so abruptly, I began to jump to nasty conclusions about why he had stopped making noise. It took every part of me to not shake him to make sure he would wake up. I stopped and listened to him breathe. His chest still rising and falling, in and out, inhale and exhale. Sounds and motions that only alive humans make. Praise God.
This is a panic that is reserved for members of the club. One of the perks of membership I suppose. A feeling of overwhelming panic when things are not even crazy at all. Great. No doubt you will understand.
Christmas came! This year I noticed that Jesus is represented more than people realize or would probably care to admit. Every wreath, every light, every goofy blow-up Santa, it is all a reminder of Jesus and the hope that He brings. I stopped to think if everyone was thinking about a Christ child when they were putting up their lights, hanging their stockings, and baking unbelievable goodies. I don't think that was on everyone's minds, but it all sent me straight back to the Son.
Every Christmas decoration, song, movie and whatever else, made the message of hope clearer. Jesus is not leaving us anytime soon and He is walking with us and caring for us in ways we can't even comprehend. When we let Him, Jesus is an amazing leader and shepherd.
How Do You New Year?
I want to talk a little this week about how I did the new year, and how I rang it in.
So this year, I wanted to reflect on 2016 and how it changed me as a person. 2015 was a big change with the loss of Carson, but I really wanted to dig deep into what was different about this year other than just grief. It can be very easy for grief to be the focus, but it doesn't have to be.
So I kind of did a self interview. And I will leave it here for you to see.
1. Looking back at 2016, what were the biggest moments of the year?
When I look back, it would be easy to say that we are PROUD of what we have accomplished this year. I am not sure that is why I accomplished anything in 2016 though. No need for a sense of pride in the things, but in what they represented. Most of my moments that stick out are focused around training for and running for Team Crusher. I had 63 names on my bike when I rode. Looking at my training, I rode just over 1500 miles in 2016. I had a little over 2,200 miles of training between the three disciplines. 2,200 miles of remembering, 2,200 miles of praying, and 2,200 miles completely devoted to something way bigger than me. I am proud that Team Crusher can represent the people it does. I am proud that in 140.6 miles, people remembered a child gone too soon. I am proud that I cried at the start line (it was in the water, so nobody noticed), I am proud that, even though I was a little past due, my family and I cried together at the finish line. None of us were even thinking about me. That is why it was so perfect. I am proud that 2016 was a year of memorial and honor for those families represented by Team Crusher.
2. If you ran into you from January 1, 2016, what would you tell yourself?
I would tell myself to remember what is important. There were plenty of times that I let training get in the way of what should have had my focus on that day. There were times that I let connecting with my Carson take precedent over connecting with the rest of my children. At 4:30 in the morning, nobody seems to care what I am doing. At 4:30 in the afternoon, I miss family time. It is important to take time for you, but you also have to figure the cost of your "me time". I have gotten pretty good at early mornings. I guess I would also tell myself that being a morning person isn't so bad.
3. What did you miss out on?
I don't feel like I missed out on a ton of things, but there were things that definitely fell by the wayside because we were super busy as a family and training was part of that. The boys didn't play baseball this year, partially because we were late hearing about sign ups, but also because we were super busy trying to get everything done. I let down my kids to a certain extent because I was putting so much focus into being an Ironman.
4. Did you have a motto or mantra in 2016 that helped you? Do you have one for 2017?
Last year I kept hearing my name at the finish line. I guess my mantra was "John Butler, you are an Ironman!" I never actually heard it, but I made it so that is far more important to me. This year I definitely do have a new mantra. "Pray like it depends on God and Work like it depends on you." It speaks to me because I can't do it with out Him. I can put in all the work in the world, but without Him, it is both meaningless and fruitless. If racing and such was for only me, it would not matter. I race to glorify God and remember His angels, that is what I want people to see when I run by.
5. What are some of your goals for this year?
I have tons of goals, that has been one of my lessons this last year is that setting up goals and knocking them down is like candy to me, I just can't get enough!
One of my goals is to connect with a family once a week who has lost a child recently. Unfortunately, there are families every day who join the club. I just want to make sure they know that someone is thinking about them.
I am going to run faster. That one is pretty straight forward.
I am going to be a better servant to my family and my wife, they sacrificed a lot this last year and I need to set a better example.
I am going to blog weekly this year as well. I am thinking that instead of blogging when the feels get me, I should blog weekly and maybe when I get the feels it can be more special instead of simply always being a tear jerking blog.
Well, that is how I reflected on 2016. Let's see where 2017 takes us and what it looks like! Should be an adventure. Until next week, Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you!
So this year, I wanted to reflect on 2016 and how it changed me as a person. 2015 was a big change with the loss of Carson, but I really wanted to dig deep into what was different about this year other than just grief. It can be very easy for grief to be the focus, but it doesn't have to be.
So I kind of did a self interview. And I will leave it here for you to see.
1. Looking back at 2016, what were the biggest moments of the year?
When I look back, it would be easy to say that we are PROUD of what we have accomplished this year. I am not sure that is why I accomplished anything in 2016 though. No need for a sense of pride in the things, but in what they represented. Most of my moments that stick out are focused around training for and running for Team Crusher. I had 63 names on my bike when I rode. Looking at my training, I rode just over 1500 miles in 2016. I had a little over 2,200 miles of training between the three disciplines. 2,200 miles of remembering, 2,200 miles of praying, and 2,200 miles completely devoted to something way bigger than me. I am proud that Team Crusher can represent the people it does. I am proud that in 140.6 miles, people remembered a child gone too soon. I am proud that I cried at the start line (it was in the water, so nobody noticed), I am proud that, even though I was a little past due, my family and I cried together at the finish line. None of us were even thinking about me. That is why it was so perfect. I am proud that 2016 was a year of memorial and honor for those families represented by Team Crusher.
2. If you ran into you from January 1, 2016, what would you tell yourself?
I would tell myself to remember what is important. There were plenty of times that I let training get in the way of what should have had my focus on that day. There were times that I let connecting with my Carson take precedent over connecting with the rest of my children. At 4:30 in the morning, nobody seems to care what I am doing. At 4:30 in the afternoon, I miss family time. It is important to take time for you, but you also have to figure the cost of your "me time". I have gotten pretty good at early mornings. I guess I would also tell myself that being a morning person isn't so bad.
3. What did you miss out on?
I don't feel like I missed out on a ton of things, but there were things that definitely fell by the wayside because we were super busy as a family and training was part of that. The boys didn't play baseball this year, partially because we were late hearing about sign ups, but also because we were super busy trying to get everything done. I let down my kids to a certain extent because I was putting so much focus into being an Ironman.
4. Did you have a motto or mantra in 2016 that helped you? Do you have one for 2017?
Last year I kept hearing my name at the finish line. I guess my mantra was "John Butler, you are an Ironman!" I never actually heard it, but I made it so that is far more important to me. This year I definitely do have a new mantra. "Pray like it depends on God and Work like it depends on you." It speaks to me because I can't do it with out Him. I can put in all the work in the world, but without Him, it is both meaningless and fruitless. If racing and such was for only me, it would not matter. I race to glorify God and remember His angels, that is what I want people to see when I run by.
5. What are some of your goals for this year?
I have tons of goals, that has been one of my lessons this last year is that setting up goals and knocking them down is like candy to me, I just can't get enough!
One of my goals is to connect with a family once a week who has lost a child recently. Unfortunately, there are families every day who join the club. I just want to make sure they know that someone is thinking about them.
I am going to run faster. That one is pretty straight forward.
I am going to be a better servant to my family and my wife, they sacrificed a lot this last year and I need to set a better example.
I am going to blog weekly this year as well. I am thinking that instead of blogging when the feels get me, I should blog weekly and maybe when I get the feels it can be more special instead of simply always being a tear jerking blog.
Well, that is how I reflected on 2016. Let's see where 2017 takes us and what it looks like! Should be an adventure. Until next week, Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you!
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