A new year. A new year is beginning and I am not sure what that means. It is supposed to be a time when you make a decision to start something new, make a commitment to change a part of your life that you are not content with, but sometimes it doesn't work like that. Sometimes, the part of your life that keeps you from being content is something that will not change no matter what you do. It is something that you carry with you every day, every hour, every minute. For me, the thing is Carson. The thing that defined my 2015 is the loss of my son. Let me say this more specifically, it does not define ME, it defines my 2015.
The definition written by loss is one of grief, drive, motivation and desire. Every morning, I wake up and see his face. I have to remember to thank God that I got to spend 4 wonderful years with Carson. All good things, all blessings come from the Lord. Never forget that. After I thank God for the time I had with Carson and the time I still have with the rest of my children, It is decision time. It is time to make the decision to have a good day, make a decision to let my grief win or to channel the grief into something productive. Each day I choose to take my grief and us it as a motivator to reach a goal that I have set for myself.
My goal is to run the Boulder Ironman Triathlon in 2016. This is a big goal, lofty if you will. I know I can accomplish it. I know I can, not because I am in good shape (bahahahahahahahahahahahahah) but because I have a "why" that just won't quit. I am not racing for me. I am not racing to prove to myself that I can, I am not racing to prove to someone else that I can or to lose weight or to help advertise my awesomeness. I am racing to bring attention to the memory of Carson and the rest of the kids who are on Team Crusher. My "why" goes beyond me.
You are going to have to find a "why". If you have lost someone, a child, parent, spouse or friend, maybe you are struggling with depression about something else. Without a "why" you are not going to get very far. MINE is to remember my son. That doesn't have to be yours, but without a "why" nothing will get accomplished. Your "why" is like friction. Yeah, friction, happens when two things rub against each other. Sometimes friction hurts, sometimes friction isn't comfortable, sometimes friction takes all of your energy and leaves you tired and drained. The funny thing about friction though is that without it, walking wouldn't happen, cars wouldn't drive, no progress would be made and you wouldn't be able to stop to protect yourself from running in to something.
My "why", my grief, my friction is what propels me forward through life and into 2016. Very soon, there will have been 12 months that separates us from the day we lost our son. It will hurt no less, it will feel no better, I will not have gotten over it, and I will still not believe that this was all part of God's plan. I will also not let my grief crush me, I will not let the pain win. I will harness the grief, I will let it drive me to push myself. I will use it to remember.
God loves you, I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Our Love is Enough
It has been a while. I apologize.
It has been long weeks and I needed to recoup and find my stability again. November 25th is Carson's birthday. We headed to spend time with friends and family as we celebrated. The following day was Thanksgiving. Our first Thanksgiving without him. Then on December 1st was my 30th birthday and December 3rd was my Grandmother's birthday as well as my son's birthday, so it has been heavy lately.
I can not remember a time, where leading up to birthdays and a holiday that I felt so deflated. I was prepped and ready to go deer hunting, but could not get excited, we were going pheasant hunting, but could not get excited. As time has moved forward, the initial surface level pain has subsided, but it has moved deeper. No longer is it a searing pain, but it is an inner ache that is relentless.
What we will never understand, as parents of angels is that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH. Our love has to be enough, because that is all that we have. We spend time wondering what we could have done to make things different. We spend time trying to justify why it happened and try to give it a reason. Stop it. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
I am realizing that every day, I have to remind myself that no amount of sweat, no amount of muscle pain, no amount of training is going to bring my Carson back. It is also not going to make him or my family any more or less proud of me. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Every time you feel like you are letting down your angel and you feel like you are the only one who remembers and you feel alone, Team Crusher wants you to know that you are not alone. We remember. Most importantly you have to know that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Please head over to www.teamcrusher.com and see what we are up to. Submit your child's name to go on the bike, submit your form to be an athlete. We can't wait to have you.
It has been long weeks and I needed to recoup and find my stability again. November 25th is Carson's birthday. We headed to spend time with friends and family as we celebrated. The following day was Thanksgiving. Our first Thanksgiving without him. Then on December 1st was my 30th birthday and December 3rd was my Grandmother's birthday as well as my son's birthday, so it has been heavy lately.
I can not remember a time, where leading up to birthdays and a holiday that I felt so deflated. I was prepped and ready to go deer hunting, but could not get excited, we were going pheasant hunting, but could not get excited. As time has moved forward, the initial surface level pain has subsided, but it has moved deeper. No longer is it a searing pain, but it is an inner ache that is relentless.
What we will never understand, as parents of angels is that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH. Our love has to be enough, because that is all that we have. We spend time wondering what we could have done to make things different. We spend time trying to justify why it happened and try to give it a reason. Stop it. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
I am realizing that every day, I have to remind myself that no amount of sweat, no amount of muscle pain, no amount of training is going to bring my Carson back. It is also not going to make him or my family any more or less proud of me. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Every time you feel like you are letting down your angel and you feel like you are the only one who remembers and you feel alone, Team Crusher wants you to know that you are not alone. We remember. Most importantly you have to know that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Please head over to www.teamcrusher.com and see what we are up to. Submit your child's name to go on the bike, submit your form to be an athlete. We can't wait to have you.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
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