I made a decision. I decided that yes... I race for Carson, but not for him alone. I want to race for as many families that have lost children as I can. I want to race for parents who lost a child. It does not matter what age they were when they departed. I want to race for you.
As parents who have lost, our lives can be very tough at times. You know, good days and bad days and whatever else. I want to give you a chance to let your child be remembered and prayed for by someone else.
I am asking that you would send me a letter with your story and a picture of your child. I would then like to put your child's name on my bike while I train and race. My goal is to cover my whole bike, my tri suit, my helmet, everywhere I can with names of kids. You are welcome to send donations to help me train and race, but my real goal is to race for your child. I would love to hear from you.
I don't only want your story and pictures though, I want to make sure you know that when I have that, I would like to pray for your family. I will take time on my rides and time on my runs and time on my swims and time on my knees for you. Sometimes it is hard to see where God is at in all of the terrible that comes with loss, but he is there. I promise.
If this is something that you would like to be a part of, email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com and I will send you my address for your story, pictures and donations.
Also Check out my video blogs at Dadding As Hard As I Can on YouTube.
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I Must Be Crazy
I said it. I must be crazy, because we registered for an Ironman race. I can't express what this race means to me in words in one blog, so I will keep you up to date about what it means as we go. As I have said before, I race for Carson. My son. My angel. My motivation. My heartbeat. My reason. I train, I race, I recover, I train some more and I race again all because I need him to stay alive. I need him to be part of my life. This is how that happens.
On August 7, we will run an Ironman 140.6 in Boulder, CO. You may not know what an Ironman is, so let me enlighten you. We will start off the day swimming 2.4 miles, yeah, in the water. We will get out of the water and go grab my bike. We will then pedal my bike 112 miles. There will be hills and though I might want to quit and I might get tired, Carson will keep me strong. When we get back from our bike ride, we will strap on our running shoes and go for a little run. Daintily we will run a marathon. 26.2 miles. I will really want to quit at this point. There will be points on the run where I hurt so bad that I think I can't make it. That is when I will beg Carson for the use of his wings. I know that he will lift me by the heart and keep me on my feet.
Some folks might question my readiness or whatever they want to question, but I will tell you how I know that we are going to do this. When I can't sleep, when I lie awake in bed and just can't clear my head, many people will watch a movie, read a book, count sheep or whatever. I walk quietly to the living room and sit in my chair. I grab my computer and I log in to Youtube. I pull up the Ironman racing channel and I watch Ironman videos. I have seen all of them more times than is probably healthy. That, however, is not where it ends. As people finish, I cry. I weep knowing that the only way for my son to accomplish this feat is for me to take him on the journey. And I will do just that.
I told my wife last week that I wanted to do this. It should not be a big deal to tell the woman I love that I want to run a race, but I had to fight back tears to a level that I have not fought them before. I could barely get the words out.
I know that this is the only things that will fulfill my need to keep Carson with me. I can sleep on his pillows and wrap up in his blankets and snuggle his stuffed animals, but that will not make him proud of his dad. That will not let his siblings know that when bad things happen, they can't stop us if we don't let them. I pray every day that my kids know why I am on the journey I am on. I tell them, but I hope they get it. I hope it clicks for them.
I look forward to posting blogs and getting VLOGS up on youtube as well. When you read this blog or watch a video on Youtube, I would ask that you say a prayer for my son and our family. We appreciate the support.
On August 7, we will run an Ironman 140.6 in Boulder, CO. You may not know what an Ironman is, so let me enlighten you. We will start off the day swimming 2.4 miles, yeah, in the water. We will get out of the water and go grab my bike. We will then pedal my bike 112 miles. There will be hills and though I might want to quit and I might get tired, Carson will keep me strong. When we get back from our bike ride, we will strap on our running shoes and go for a little run. Daintily we will run a marathon. 26.2 miles. I will really want to quit at this point. There will be points on the run where I hurt so bad that I think I can't make it. That is when I will beg Carson for the use of his wings. I know that he will lift me by the heart and keep me on my feet.
Some folks might question my readiness or whatever they want to question, but I will tell you how I know that we are going to do this. When I can't sleep, when I lie awake in bed and just can't clear my head, many people will watch a movie, read a book, count sheep or whatever. I walk quietly to the living room and sit in my chair. I grab my computer and I log in to Youtube. I pull up the Ironman racing channel and I watch Ironman videos. I have seen all of them more times than is probably healthy. That, however, is not where it ends. As people finish, I cry. I weep knowing that the only way for my son to accomplish this feat is for me to take him on the journey. And I will do just that.
I told my wife last week that I wanted to do this. It should not be a big deal to tell the woman I love that I want to run a race, but I had to fight back tears to a level that I have not fought them before. I could barely get the words out.
I know that this is the only things that will fulfill my need to keep Carson with me. I can sleep on his pillows and wrap up in his blankets and snuggle his stuffed animals, but that will not make him proud of his dad. That will not let his siblings know that when bad things happen, they can't stop us if we don't let them. I pray every day that my kids know why I am on the journey I am on. I tell them, but I hope they get it. I hope it clicks for them.
I look forward to posting blogs and getting VLOGS up on youtube as well. When you read this blog or watch a video on Youtube, I would ask that you say a prayer for my son and our family. We appreciate the support.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I GET 2 TRI!
Things are different. Things are new. I am changing, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have changed my approach to many things. I am putting effort into new places. I view my fatherhood role differently.
I have always known that I was an example for my kids. The example that I worked hard to set was one of a hard worker and provider. Those were close to the same thing, because I worked hard at providing. While I am the main provider in the house, I can put the hard work in elsewhere and we will all still eat supper every night. I can be more devoted to my family and work harder on making me the best I can be and we will all still have a roof over our heads.
I have changed. I have devoted time to my family to simply have quality time. We like to fish together, we worship together, we walk together, we don't even usually go to the grocery without each other. We make every effort to take the time we have and make it great. We sing, we dance, we scare each other and we love each other. I committed at the end of April to training for and completing my first Sprint Distance Triathlon. On July 11th, I completed my first Sprint Distance Triathlon in Ogallala, NE. I love the sense of accomplishment that it came with, I love that I DID IT! What I love the most is that the people around me, those close to me know WHY I did it. It wasn't for me. There are certainly fringe benefits in it for me, like physical fitness and whatnot, but the real reason is for the memory of my angel Carson. For One Hour and Fifty Seven Minutes, I prayed. I asked Carson to give me is wings, I talked with him as if he were right there with me and when I finished, I knew that it wasn't just me who remembered.
When people find out you are training for a race, they want to know what your goals are. They want to know times and athletic goals, maybe weightloss or an inspirational fat to fit story. I don't have one. My goal is that I would continue to remember my son and that he would get to live through me if even for a short time. Every race this is the highest priority and this is the number one goal. To give him life again the only way that I know how.
This year Triathlon was added to the Special Olympics World Games in Los Angeles. Though Carson will never have the opportunity to race there, every fiber of my being believes that he would have been eventually. So I will continue to train, continue to swim, continue to bike, continue to run in hopes that you won't see me, but you will see him when you see me.
I am so blessed that I GET 2 TRI. I GET 2 TRI while he cannot. I will go farther for him, I will go faster for him and I will go longer for him. Between my angel and my Jesus, Nothing will stand in my way.
I have always known that I was an example for my kids. The example that I worked hard to set was one of a hard worker and provider. Those were close to the same thing, because I worked hard at providing. While I am the main provider in the house, I can put the hard work in elsewhere and we will all still eat supper every night. I can be more devoted to my family and work harder on making me the best I can be and we will all still have a roof over our heads.
I have changed. I have devoted time to my family to simply have quality time. We like to fish together, we worship together, we walk together, we don't even usually go to the grocery without each other. We make every effort to take the time we have and make it great. We sing, we dance, we scare each other and we love each other. I committed at the end of April to training for and completing my first Sprint Distance Triathlon. On July 11th, I completed my first Sprint Distance Triathlon in Ogallala, NE. I love the sense of accomplishment that it came with, I love that I DID IT! What I love the most is that the people around me, those close to me know WHY I did it. It wasn't for me. There are certainly fringe benefits in it for me, like physical fitness and whatnot, but the real reason is for the memory of my angel Carson. For One Hour and Fifty Seven Minutes, I prayed. I asked Carson to give me is wings, I talked with him as if he were right there with me and when I finished, I knew that it wasn't just me who remembered.
When people find out you are training for a race, they want to know what your goals are. They want to know times and athletic goals, maybe weightloss or an inspirational fat to fit story. I don't have one. My goal is that I would continue to remember my son and that he would get to live through me if even for a short time. Every race this is the highest priority and this is the number one goal. To give him life again the only way that I know how.
This year Triathlon was added to the Special Olympics World Games in Los Angeles. Though Carson will never have the opportunity to race there, every fiber of my being believes that he would have been eventually. So I will continue to train, continue to swim, continue to bike, continue to run in hopes that you won't see me, but you will see him when you see me.
I am so blessed that I GET 2 TRI. I GET 2 TRI while he cannot. I will go farther for him, I will go faster for him and I will go longer for him. Between my angel and my Jesus, Nothing will stand in my way.
Friday, May 1, 2015
The Numb Wears Off
It's been a while. Things are changing. Since my last post, we have had two of the kids' birthdays, Easter and some other things.
I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
The Practicality is Yucky
What a month. March came in like a mild mannered emu and is headed out as a sort of lame zebra. In some aspects, March has been good, but I am still noticeably numb. The upsides of things just aren't as high, but the down sides of things aren't as low. I have been to a really low point and it helps to put things in perspective. I never feel bad, but I just don't feel as great as I once did.
There have been things this past month that I have done, not done and avoided but still had to do them later. Laundry. I avoided laundry the best I could until every body in the house was wearing clothes that smelled like the north end of a south bound horse. My mom did offer to do the laundry while she was here, but I told her that her job was to enjoy the kids. Oops. I have a laundry system. I have specific places on the bed for each pile because we have more piles than most houses. 7. We have 7 piles of people clothes... or we did. We now have 6 piles of clothes. I found myself staring at the bed, unable to convince my hands that they would be a pile short. I was unable to tell myself that spreading out the piles a little bit was ok.
I am a systems kind of guy. When my systems get monkeyed with, that is when I feel it the most. I had an emotional breakdown doing the laundry that day. I could not make sense of anything for a few minutes. I have a system for laundry, dishes, picking up dog poop, eating meals and any other thing you can think of. There were quite a few that involved Carson, but laundry and the budget are the two that I have noticed the most.
I hate it. I hate that my budget is different. I hate that the laundry doesn't take as long. I hate that things are different because I know why they are different. It is uncomfortable.
Now that I got through the parts of the month that threw off my game, let's dive into the cool stuff. This month on March 21st was World DS Day. We celebrated our buddy. We also had the Step Up for DS Walk in Kearney on the 28th. It was so awesome! Not just because the organizers were so wonderful, but we sold 150 Carsonian Crushers T-Shirts (Thanks everybody)! Not everyone could show up, but I thank everyone who did. It was a day of remembering and celebrating our special little man and supporting other families. We met a little guy who was a hugger. He was 3 and that hug meant more to me than anything else that happened that day. I was surprised that I did not lose my mind and sob all over him, because that is exactly what I was doing inside.
When I think about the way that I am feeling I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the man who was unable to walk and for about 40 years he hung out by the pool waiting to be healed. This man had it way worse than me. He probably had serious bed sores, body odor, nasty teeth and all sorts of gross. Jesus walked up to him and asked if he would like to be well. Of course after 40 years of sitting, he kind of had an attitude, but then asked Jesus to heal him. Jesus did.
That is incredible. 40 years of laying around and waiting for someone to come and throw him in the pool at the right time and Jesus walks up and asks if he wants to be better. If Jesus can take the pain from that man and countless others I know that he can take mine, but only as fast as I let him. If you are hurting, if you are struggling, I would invite you to ask Jesus to treat you like the man by the pool and let Him heal a little piece of you.
Jesus loves you and so do I.
There have been things this past month that I have done, not done and avoided but still had to do them later. Laundry. I avoided laundry the best I could until every body in the house was wearing clothes that smelled like the north end of a south bound horse. My mom did offer to do the laundry while she was here, but I told her that her job was to enjoy the kids. Oops. I have a laundry system. I have specific places on the bed for each pile because we have more piles than most houses. 7. We have 7 piles of people clothes... or we did. We now have 6 piles of clothes. I found myself staring at the bed, unable to convince my hands that they would be a pile short. I was unable to tell myself that spreading out the piles a little bit was ok.
I am a systems kind of guy. When my systems get monkeyed with, that is when I feel it the most. I had an emotional breakdown doing the laundry that day. I could not make sense of anything for a few minutes. I have a system for laundry, dishes, picking up dog poop, eating meals and any other thing you can think of. There were quite a few that involved Carson, but laundry and the budget are the two that I have noticed the most.
I hate it. I hate that my budget is different. I hate that the laundry doesn't take as long. I hate that things are different because I know why they are different. It is uncomfortable.
Now that I got through the parts of the month that threw off my game, let's dive into the cool stuff. This month on March 21st was World DS Day. We celebrated our buddy. We also had the Step Up for DS Walk in Kearney on the 28th. It was so awesome! Not just because the organizers were so wonderful, but we sold 150 Carsonian Crushers T-Shirts (Thanks everybody)! Not everyone could show up, but I thank everyone who did. It was a day of remembering and celebrating our special little man and supporting other families. We met a little guy who was a hugger. He was 3 and that hug meant more to me than anything else that happened that day. I was surprised that I did not lose my mind and sob all over him, because that is exactly what I was doing inside.
When I think about the way that I am feeling I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the man who was unable to walk and for about 40 years he hung out by the pool waiting to be healed. This man had it way worse than me. He probably had serious bed sores, body odor, nasty teeth and all sorts of gross. Jesus walked up to him and asked if he would like to be well. Of course after 40 years of sitting, he kind of had an attitude, but then asked Jesus to heal him. Jesus did.
That is incredible. 40 years of laying around and waiting for someone to come and throw him in the pool at the right time and Jesus walks up and asks if he wants to be better. If Jesus can take the pain from that man and countless others I know that he can take mine, but only as fast as I let him. If you are hurting, if you are struggling, I would invite you to ask Jesus to treat you like the man by the pool and let Him heal a little piece of you.
Jesus loves you and so do I.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Time with my Buddy
A new month. A time to recognize that things aren't going to be the same. Things have been starting to sink in for all of us. We went to church on a Wednesday Night and the kids start out by playing a bunch of games and singing together. After that gets done, they head to their classrooms to have their lessons. Well, Cecilia had a fun night playing and singing, but then told Mom that she did not want to go to class. When Mom asked why, she responded that "Carson always goes to class with me." That definitely pulled at the heart strings. Still looking for a new normal.
Carson is missed in a big way. We endured our first family celebration without him. It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday. Grandparents came to town and we had a great time. Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together. For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate. We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.
Grief has taken a new form. I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me. He told me something that really hit home. He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time. He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now. We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now. It hit me. I know now that I can't go 80. I have tried. I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it. I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me. It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that. I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen. It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.
I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to. God does that. A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple. I invited the youth of our church and had some takers. We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did. Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me. I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little. I smiled, it was good. The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled. Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job. They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him. It was a quality message. Not what hit me though. The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship. So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke. They sang How He Loves. Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt. I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face. I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight. That little girl danced all night. We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.
I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.
God has come through for me. He will come through for you. Just ask him.
Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.
The Dad who dads
Carson is missed in a big way. We endured our first family celebration without him. It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday. Grandparents came to town and we had a great time. Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together. For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate. We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.
Grief has taken a new form. I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me. He told me something that really hit home. He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time. He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now. We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now. It hit me. I know now that I can't go 80. I have tried. I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it. I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me. It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that. I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen. It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.
I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to. God does that. A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple. I invited the youth of our church and had some takers. We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did. Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me. I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little. I smiled, it was good. The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled. Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job. They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him. It was a quality message. Not what hit me though. The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship. So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke. They sang How He Loves. Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt. I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face. I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight. That little girl danced all night. We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.
I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.
God has come through for me. He will come through for you. Just ask him.
Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.
The Dad who dads
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Beauty and the Guilt Beast
It is Thursday. This has been an interesting week. We have done things as a family again. We went to the park, we had pizza, I went back to work, we went to church. None of it was normal yet, none of it didn't hurt, none of it wasn't empty and different, but all of it was good.
We have had some good days, some iffy times, some sadness and grief. We had pizza. We ordered the normal amount and we have quite a bit left over. That is sad on multiple levels, one because Carson wasn't here to eat it and the other because we have left over pizza.
The park was great, except we were minus one. The kids weren't sad, the parents were sad and happy. Our children have never been to the park and been the focus of all of our attention because Carson would run all over hell and gone and if you were't watching he would run all the way to Lord knows where. The other 4 kids were used to having to keep eyes out for each other and be ready to help if we needed it. That pressure wasn't there at the park. As Julie took the kids to the playground, I took Niner the dog to the dog park. He loved it, by the way. I did not feel guilty leaving Julie with all of them while I watched the dog. It was strange. We felt guilty that we didn't feel that pressure, like we were betraying him. I returned to the park to find Julie fully invested in a set of swings with the 4 kids and it was beautiful. It was beautiful to see my wife play with Carson and the kids too. It was just different and still beautiful.
I don't want you to read the wrong thing. I want you to read that I LOVED the old normal more than anything that I could dream of, but a new normal will have to do. There is no way around it. There is no way to put it lightly and there is no good reason to dance around it. Things are different and they will be. Things function differently and no matter how much I wish and pray that time could rewind it won't. There are 4 more kids in this home that need my love, that need my effort, that need my dadding.
It isn't always going to be easy. Every morning Julie and I lay in bed and I look her in the eyes. Together we pray and make a commitment to that day to love God, love each other and love the kids and do what is best for them that day.
We got a book from a dear friend of ours that is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry". Let me tell you, first off that is a fairly misleading title for at least the first 19 times we read it, probably more. In our house, we do mucho singing. We sing, we dance, we music and have a blast. There is a page that talks about how beautiful his voice is when he sings in heaven. We REALLY like that page. It is a beautiful book that has brought much healing.
Keep God in front of you and your people next to you.
Goodnight.
We have had some good days, some iffy times, some sadness and grief. We had pizza. We ordered the normal amount and we have quite a bit left over. That is sad on multiple levels, one because Carson wasn't here to eat it and the other because we have left over pizza.
The park was great, except we were minus one. The kids weren't sad, the parents were sad and happy. Our children have never been to the park and been the focus of all of our attention because Carson would run all over hell and gone and if you were't watching he would run all the way to Lord knows where. The other 4 kids were used to having to keep eyes out for each other and be ready to help if we needed it. That pressure wasn't there at the park. As Julie took the kids to the playground, I took Niner the dog to the dog park. He loved it, by the way. I did not feel guilty leaving Julie with all of them while I watched the dog. It was strange. We felt guilty that we didn't feel that pressure, like we were betraying him. I returned to the park to find Julie fully invested in a set of swings with the 4 kids and it was beautiful. It was beautiful to see my wife play with Carson and the kids too. It was just different and still beautiful.
I don't want you to read the wrong thing. I want you to read that I LOVED the old normal more than anything that I could dream of, but a new normal will have to do. There is no way around it. There is no way to put it lightly and there is no good reason to dance around it. Things are different and they will be. Things function differently and no matter how much I wish and pray that time could rewind it won't. There are 4 more kids in this home that need my love, that need my effort, that need my dadding.
It isn't always going to be easy. Every morning Julie and I lay in bed and I look her in the eyes. Together we pray and make a commitment to that day to love God, love each other and love the kids and do what is best for them that day.
We got a book from a dear friend of ours that is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry". Let me tell you, first off that is a fairly misleading title for at least the first 19 times we read it, probably more. In our house, we do mucho singing. We sing, we dance, we music and have a blast. There is a page that talks about how beautiful his voice is when he sings in heaven. We REALLY like that page. It is a beautiful book that has brought much healing.
Keep God in front of you and your people next to you.
Goodnight.
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