I am not sure. If I had known that my last night with Carson would be my last night, I am not sure that I would have changed anything. I spent the night trying to keep him comfortable enough to sleep. That means that I was snuggling, being present, an devoting all of my attention to him for about 6 hours. That is unheard of in a house with 5 kids. In a house with 5 kids, one of the challenges is to be present for all of the kids all of the time.
Jesus told his disciples at the last supper that they would always have his presence, always have his attention and always have his love. That translates to us.
When we feel like we can't get the attention of anyone, when we feel isolated, when we feel trapped, when we are absolutely overwhelmed Jesus is present, paying attention and loving us.
Team Crusher is my way of trying to put this into action. My worst days are when I wake up and feel like I am the only one who remembers my son. The goal of Team Crusher is that when families feel that way, they can always know that our athletes are thinking about them and their child every time we train and race. For some of our athletes, that will mean that we think about them once a day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes all day long. The races are fewer and farther between, but training never stops. I usually train anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. I know that our other athletes are not much different. For me, this is the best way that I can show the love of Christ to a population that, quite frankly, can feel angry at, unwanted by, might even hate the idea of Christ. Losing a child is devastating and often times, we can fall into blaming God. I do not believe that it was God's plan for our children to die, I do not believe that God needed them for something in heaven. I do not believe that this is a test. I do not believe that God took them because it was their time. I believe that God is there to receive our children and give them crazy love until we join them. There is still hope, but there is hope because of Jesus. The last supper, communion, reminds us of that. As we eat and drink, we have a tangible connection, a physical reminder of the love and hope that is provided us through Jesus, the son of God.
As Team Crushers attempts to live out this love, I would invite you this Easter season to think about the way that the Lord cares for us and try not to be angry or resentful, but try to say thanks or even visit worship somewhere.
I love you, God loves you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Visit www.teamcrusher.com or find us on Facebook.
Team Crusher
Location:W D St,North Platte,United States
Tamara joined our family at 13 years old. I was a single mom to Katelin (6) and Audree (2). I was working at Camp Alexander on a program for foster children and at risk youth. Tamara was part of that program and excelled in it. This surprised many as she was in a level 6 group home. In May we discovered the group home was closing. This meant a move for Tamara. My girls and I knew Tamara should stay with us. We began as a family to take the classes needed to become a foster family and hopefully a forever home for Tamara. In May Tamara moved in and our little family changed forever. It wasn't always easy but, like my biological children Tamara was my daughter. She was the best big sister. With all this love in our house and working together to make the world a brighter place we couldn't have been happier. Years later Rodney and his son Erik stepped into our lives. They were a perfect addition to our all girl crew. In 2005 Rodney and I married and prepared to adopt Tamara. She was 19 at the time but now that I was married we could make it official. We were all so excited. Tamara was working at Camp and for Mosey Outdoor Adventure in Wichita. Because of a disagreement (boyfriend) Tamara was taking a break from Camp. She was still working for Mosey and dispute the disagreement she was still doing well and remained the most amazing big sister. She even realized that this disagreement didn't define her and that no matter what she was loved. The world stopped August 12, 2005. I got a call from Tamara's boyfriend's dad saying the kids had been in a wreck. I asked him if she was OK. He said he didn't know but they were working on her. I left camp and drove down the road meeting a sheriff. That's when I knew it was bad. The Sheriff didn't tell me anything other than to follow him.I called Rodney and told him to meet me. I arrived before Rodney. There was confusion as to what to do with me and who I needed to talk to. Finally they took me to the nurses office. I closed my eyes said a prayer and asked if Tamara was OK. The nurse said, no. Not, no I'm sorry not, we did everything we could just, no. I remember screaming out to God to make it not so. To wake me up. Then Rodney was there. I was shaking and told him she's gone. The nurse then asked if we wanted to see her. First I said no because I didn't think I could handle that. Then a calm came over me. God filled me. I knew then I had to see her and tell her we were there for her, that we loved her, that it was OK that she was going home to live with our heavenly Father and she would hurt anymore. So together my husband and I were walked into the ER trama room. They Tamara peacefully laid. Not particularly broken. Just a scratch on her head, a broken arm, and the tube in her mouth. My beautiful girl didn't look broken enough to be gone. I held her hand, rubbed her arm. Rodney said hey kid I love you and I'll see you again. I cried oh Tamara honey. I know you had a choice to go or stay. I know your pain from your past still haunted you. But, you are free now. No more pain. Just love baby girl just love. Go on now with God. We love you and will see you again. We will be OK. Thank you for being our sweet girl. Then I kissed her sweat head one last time and we walked away to the chapel. The rest of the year was such a blur. There is a hole in our hearts and a missing chair at our table. During Christmas the kids now 23,20, and 19 get a special Christmas stocking with goodies from Tamara. On the anniversary of her death the 12th of August and on her birthday the 19th of August we gather together at the crash site and at the house to remember her. We created a memory Facebook page to for Tamara for her friends and family. Our child Tamara is the oldest of our 5 children and our family would not be complete without her. We miss her, this club sucks, but we wouldn't change it if that meant we wouldn't of had her in our lives.
ReplyDeleteThank you John for your words of encouragement today. For many years and sometimes still my girls and I get angry at God about Tamara's death. Your words today gave me strength to share her story. Thank you.
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