Banks to the River: The Fine Line Between Protector and Control

Balance is always the key word in our 4 pillars. It will always be tough. Here is one where we find an especially tough rub.

Where is the line between protector, guide, and controlling? When do we stop providing freedom for experience and stop providing our families making their own path in the world?

In my family and the way that I parent, i view it as my job to influence the development of values in my kids. Personally, my daily goal is to be a net positive on those I come across. That means that no matter my level of interaction with you, I don’t want to leave you feeling worse about yourself or your situation. That’s all, be a net positive. I have worked with my kids since a young age to influence the behaviors to be a net positive on people. That being said, I try not to govern their decision making in a way that they have no choice but to do that. Obviously the younger they are, the more I help dictate their specific actions in a concrete good and bad way, but as they get older, they have the freedom to make choices and experience how they play out. 

These days “Gentle Parenting” gets a bad wrap, but I believe that’s because it is simply misused. When kids are young, up to 8, 9, 10, they require concrete boundaries and immediate feedback. This is where kids can have firm boundaries because I am definitely not counting on them to make good decisions. They won’t. Their brains don’t work in a realm of grey areas and abstract ideas yet, so they need the concrete to set them up for the future.

As they grow and their brains grow, that is when they need to start having low risk freedom. I mean, lets be honest, middle school starts a new level of freedom during the day at school and you are no longer able to police all of their actions during the day. They have 8 teachers instead of one, they are moving through the hallways where there is general supervision, but largely they are responsible for their own movements and actions. Middle school is the first time that they experience a taste of freedom. 

This is a pretty big step. Do you trust them with complete freedom? No! Why? They haven’t had to be here yet! While I don’t trust them and I know for a fact that they are going to mess up, that is why we experience freedom in bite size pieces. Like the change from walking in lines with their teacher in elementary school to self governed hallway transitions from class to class in middle school. One small thing that helps them set the stage for timely transportation and transition from place to place in their adult life. Small, but to them feels like a major step. Freedom comes in small steps, but I believe whole heartedly that we have to let them step out of line a bit and find consequences of their own.  

This is important because the boundaries will be pushed! Here is the kicker, at this stage in life, the kids don’t just trust blindly. This is where they start to trust you for when things go wrong and boundaries are crossed. When they screw up, your reaction dictates how safe they feel to bring you the next thing. This is where we begin to lean into the guide pillar. Up until now, you were protecting them with tight guidance and very clear rules. As they get older, we become more focused on being the banks to their river, consistent, keeping them on the right path, really guiding them to trust us while becoming who they are. 

I think there is an important point to make here. The world is SO different from when you were that age. I dont care how young of a parent you are, this is 100% true. What worked for you, IS NOT, what will be guaranteed to work for them. There are dynamics at play these days that you never dreamt of. The pressures come from different places, for different things. This IS NOT simple to comprehend for most. When we grew up quick correction was easy because if you were going to say something dumb it came out of your mouth and your parents likely heard it. NOW, there are 1000 avenues to take to misstep and get in trouble. Just think of your own phone. 50 apps that all do different things, but still connect us in some way to 1000 other people. We never dealt with this as kids. We had school, outside with friends, and home. That was about it!

So where is the balance between guidance, protection and control? Ultimately its up to you. Do you police every app, every contact, every message? Do you hit them with the Life360 Top line membership and see every single thing they are doing everywhere? Security cameras are cheap now, do you put them in the house? Out of the house? Car cameras? I don’t know the exact right answer. 

As my kids grow up, I have told them and then reminded them again and again that I want to say yes. I want them to have great experiences with great people and grow a phenomenal network of friends and people in their corner. I want them to try new things and discover new things they love. I want them to get in trouble. I want them to call me and tell me they messed up. This all gives me a chance to be present, to show up, to listen, to guide, and to reinforce that Dad is always in your corner.

“Dad, can I go…” YES! I want you out experiencing the world with your friends. There are about three reasons I say no: Family stuff will always come first, Logistics are impossible, and the big one, They broke trust and earned a no. 

Once they start to get freedoms, my default is to trust them within those freedoms until they prove me wrong. My default is that I know how they are being raised and I know who their role models and mentors are. So they get my trust until they break it. After its broken it can be a long road back, but it is always where I start. 

I try to compartmentalize my trust, for instance, if they crime is missing assignments, there are consequences, but that doesn’t mean I lose trust in them hanging out with friends or whatever. What it does mean is that I wont trust them until I verify with my eyes that their homework is done. If the excuse is that “I can only turn it in online and it isn’t working.” They get to show me all the different ways they are trying to turn it in and let me see that it isn’t working. Once their assignments are caught up, I am not keeping them grounded from everything else for an extended time. 

I base this philosophy on the fact that i have seen terrible kids turn out super successful and I’ve seen straight A students become addicts. Parenting is messy, Parenting is hard, we are all out here Dadding as hard as we can. 

What is important to me is knowing that my kids feel seen, heard, loved and respected. That combo pack means they feel safe. 

I would be interested in what kind of philosophy you have and how often you reflect on it. I reflect often because I have this nagging fear of inadequacy so I am always checking in on me to make sure I believe I am doing ok. Some folks call it doubting myself, but I prefer to frame it checking in. Definitely a more positive spin!

Balancing the Pillars: A Father’s Lesson on Presence vs. Provision

I am not going to make you read a whole article to find out. My biggest fear as a father or even as a person is inadequacy. 

I am scared to death that at any point for any moment in time, I will not be enough for my family. I won’t be there at a pivotal time. I wont be able to help. I won’t be able to show up and they will lose faith that dad is always there. Spiders and heights make me uncomfortable, inadequacy is the only REAL fear I have. 

Over the course of my life, I have realized that inadequacy happens when I let the pillars of fatherhood get out of balance. Rarely do I realize it in the moment, but when I reflect, I see it. My intentions are always pure, I think I am doing the right thing, but it will wind up costing me.

When my kids were very small, all 5 of them, I worked where we lived. I was dead set on providing the best I could. To me, this meant that I would put in as many hours of work as I needed to make the business work and to make our lives as easy financially as I could. Unfortunately this meant I was at work, A LOT. I was so focused on the Provider pillar that I was neglecting the pillar of Presence. 

I was so focused on the Provider Pillar that I was neglecting the Presence Pillar. At the time, I would have sworn up and down that I was doing the right thing and being a great dad. The problem was that by the time I came home, I was so worn out that I would fall asleep as soon as I sat down. IF the kids weren’t already in bed, it meant I was missing out on being a father. If the kids were asleep, I was failing as a husband. 

It wasn’t until I left that job that I had an epiphany: I was not being a good dad. In my head, my number one was my family, but my actions showed that work was the priority. I firmly believe that you can tell your priorities by asking someone else what they are. If they don’t match what you think they are it might be time to reconsider your actions. I reconsidered.

I spent time with my family, we played, we hung out, we made time for each other and it was great. They felt loved because I balanced my pillars. They felt provided for because I was providing. They also knew they were the priority.

Things never stay the way they are. If everything is terrible, this will pass. If everything is great, this will pass. 

So let’s fast forward. Years later, after ups and downs and all arounds, there was a season in my house that was difficult. Both of my sons came to me and said they were dealing with depression and my oldest an eating disorder as well. I took in the information as I always do. We talked. We stood united, us against a common enemy. 

As we dove into the issues, it became clear to me that this was so much bigger than what I had the ability to help with. 

I was entirely inadequate. 

There was a point where I had to look my boys in the face and admit to them that “I don’t know how to help.” 

That phrase still kills me inside. It hurts. I still see their eyes that seemed to scream at me and cry out to me that they needed me and I just wasn’t good enough. I am, in fact, almost paralyzed with the thought as I type this. The guy that is supposed to be leading them in becoming adults and men and good people was not strong enough or smart enough or compassionate enough or adequate or “father” enough to make this better.

As frightening as this was, it made me realize that I didn’t have to HAVE the answers to be adequate. I didn’t have to know how to handle everything. I needed to find balance in my pillars again and protect them the only way that made sense. Help them find someone who could help. I could be a protector by finding the resources for the quality help they needed. 

Being the man and father that your family needs isn’t about shouldering every burden, it turns out, it’s more about adapting and coming up with a plan. That was a tumultuous time, but we made it. My sons are more mature and find joy in life simply because I stood with them. I was there, I held them up when they couldn’t stand, I made sure the right pieces were in place to turn their situations around over time. I didn’t turn them around.

Here is the lesson: When pillars get imbalanced your best intentions can get derailed. When my protector pillar tries to take over the entire situation, I forget that providing resources and finding the right people to help can be part of protecting. Shouldering every burden will crush you. Finding the right help and resources IS protection! It can’t be only you in their corner. Get as many people in that corner as you can fit. Pride is a pillar killer. 

I see you dads. I hear you dads. You are not an island. 

Finding Purpose: Renewal and Revival

 When this blog started, it was a way for me, as a father, to cope with the worst case scenario, the loss of my son Carson. It was a way for me to emote, to share, to come to terms with being vulnerable and share my story. 12 years later, the world has changed, the situations have changed, fatherhood has changed. I have lived a lot since my fatherhood journey began and I have learned a couple of truths: Trying to do this alone is dumb, you are not an island, AND there are lots of ways to do fatherhood. 

The purpose of this blog isn’t to dictate how you “Dad”. I cannot offer you a script or a blueprint, rather I can offer insight and perspective. As fathers, it is our respinsibility to lift each other up, to challenge each other, talk to each other and not let any fathers be lost to the idea of being an island. It is so easy to get lost reacting to the chaos and noise, letting the circumstances lead your reactions. Instead I want to invite you to follow me down the rabbit hole of discovering your purpose and leading your family intentionally guided by that purpose and led by your values. This will build a culture of consistency and normalized expectations in your home. 

In the culture we are experiencing today there is a whole lot of noise. Everyone has the “Right answer”, or the “only way”. I would love if life were that easy, but after about 10 minutes of being a father, you will realize that nothing is that easy… ever. My approach will be to speak on fatherhood through 4 lenses, 4 pillars of Fatherhood if you will.

    The Protector - when I talk about the protector, it is easy to envision a “hero” like The Punisher. Badass bullet proof utility vest covered in personal protection supplies, holsters full of “negotiation” devices, military style combat boots and a “nothing gets to them except through me” attitude. Yes, protect your family from outside threats, they are looking to you for that, however, being a protector is so much more than that. You are not simply protecting their present. You are also protecting their future, their peace inside their home, their curiosity, their confidence… the list goes on. The protector balances the now with what comes next and how the future plays out. The more we consider protection, the more we realize, it is muddy and complicated.

    The Provider - the steward of time, attention, and resources - It used to be that bringing home money meant you were the provider. As long as Momma didn’t have to work and all the bills were paid, you won. That is no longer what this means. When we think about providing in today’s world, things are very different. As fathers we are providing, food, knowledge, safety, access to connectivity, functional homes, functional vehicles… etc! When we consider the provider role it used to mean just saying “yes” and “Here you go.” Today is so much more tactical. Yes and No are equally important and having the foresight to see the effects of each is paramount. 

    The Guide - the analog compass in a digital world - As the guide it is easy to think about leading the family with an iron fist. “I am the father, the man, the leader, we will do what I say because I am the smartest and best. Now do it.” I hate to tell you, fathering a child doesn’t make you any smarter than the day before you were a father. As the guide, it is important to know your North Star. What is your purpose and how do you use that to lead? Through your purpose and values, you will use those to guide your family and help them make decisions, avoiding making decisions for them when its right, and the hardest part, knowing when to do which.

    The Presence - the one who shows up - so this is probably the pillar with the least gray area. We all show up in different ways, but we have to show up. When someone in your family is passionate about something, when they are proud of something, when they have worked hard for something, we are there as cheer leaders, coaches, and witnesses. If we aren’t there, a hole is. You may not think it is a deal if you can be there or if you can’t, I promise you, as a father, they all want you there… all of them. 

As we go forward on this journey, lets talk, lets disagree, lets realize that there isn’t one way, but many ways. We will find out that everyone has different north stars, but we will also learn that we share north stars with many of our brothers in fatherhood. Let’s see where this leads us!