Thursday, November 5, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Balancing Act: Family, Working, Training
This week, I have been thinking about balance. There are many new things happening in our lives right now and balance seems to be what we are always seeking. Just when we get comfortable or at least make peace with the balance we have, it seems like we shake things up.
For years, I was the working parent and Julie was a stay at home mom. With 5 kids, that only makes sense. This usually made it so I worked too much and Julie complained about it. I would try to not work as much, Julie would say thank you and inevitably I would go back to working too much. If people asked me my priorities, I would tell them that God came first, then family and work in the number 3 spot. If you looked at my life and how I was living, you would see clearly that work was number 1, family in a distant 2nd and God was somewhere on the list.
I really wanted my priorities to line up with how I was presenting myself and how I was living. When we got called to our new home, and new job, I told Julie that we were going to make significant changes. I made sure that the new church understood what my priorities are and that I would do my best to live them out.
It worked well for a while, but then Carson passed away. Everything changed. Now, Julie has 2 jobs, I am working full time, the girls are in daycare, the boys are both in school and I am training for an Ironman. To say that things are different is an understatement. It's like we have gone a complete 180. We have new balance issues, for example, it is more difficult for Julie and I to deflate and chat after the kids go to bed because I am usually ready for bed between 9 and 9:30 since I am usually up at 4:45 to train. So I am going to make sure that I am intentional about making time for us to chat, for us to hang out and for us to be happy around each other.
This morning, during my shower, there was a spider that climbed down the wall from the ceiling. He was very diligent, doing everything right, making sure he felt everything that he was going to walk over, a piece of dust here, some water spray there, the top of the tiles, you know, spidery things. Well he was so very diligent and very focused on what he was doing. So focused that he did not see my hand coming to squash him. It reminded me that I can't get so focused on on thing that I ignore everything else. Something else will come and smash me while I am not looking. I really don't like that.
Remember, if you would like to be part of Team Crusher, your child's name will go on my bike and I will remember them whenever I train and on race day. I will also pray for your family each day. If you want to be part of this, send your story and a picture of your child to 2220 W D St North Platte, NE 69101. You can also email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Team Crusher
I made a decision. I decided that yes... I race for Carson, but not for him alone. I want to race for as many families that have lost children as I can. I want to race for parents who lost a child. It does not matter what age they were when they departed. I want to race for you.
As parents who have lost, our lives can be very tough at times. You know, good days and bad days and whatever else. I want to give you a chance to let your child be remembered and prayed for by someone else.
I am asking that you would send me a letter with your story and a picture of your child. I would then like to put your child's name on my bike while I train and race. My goal is to cover my whole bike, my tri suit, my helmet, everywhere I can with names of kids. You are welcome to send donations to help me train and race, but my real goal is to race for your child. I would love to hear from you.
I don't only want your story and pictures though, I want to make sure you know that when I have that, I would like to pray for your family. I will take time on my rides and time on my runs and time on my swims and time on my knees for you. Sometimes it is hard to see where God is at in all of the terrible that comes with loss, but he is there. I promise.
If this is something that you would like to be a part of, email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com and I will send you my address for your story, pictures and donations.
Also Check out my video blogs at Dadding As Hard As I Can on YouTube.
As parents who have lost, our lives can be very tough at times. You know, good days and bad days and whatever else. I want to give you a chance to let your child be remembered and prayed for by someone else.
I am asking that you would send me a letter with your story and a picture of your child. I would then like to put your child's name on my bike while I train and race. My goal is to cover my whole bike, my tri suit, my helmet, everywhere I can with names of kids. You are welcome to send donations to help me train and race, but my real goal is to race for your child. I would love to hear from you.
I don't only want your story and pictures though, I want to make sure you know that when I have that, I would like to pray for your family. I will take time on my rides and time on my runs and time on my swims and time on my knees for you. Sometimes it is hard to see where God is at in all of the terrible that comes with loss, but he is there. I promise.
If this is something that you would like to be a part of, email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com and I will send you my address for your story, pictures and donations.
Also Check out my video blogs at Dadding As Hard As I Can on YouTube.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I Must Be Crazy
I said it. I must be crazy, because we registered for an Ironman race. I can't express what this race means to me in words in one blog, so I will keep you up to date about what it means as we go. As I have said before, I race for Carson. My son. My angel. My motivation. My heartbeat. My reason. I train, I race, I recover, I train some more and I race again all because I need him to stay alive. I need him to be part of my life. This is how that happens.
On August 7, we will run an Ironman 140.6 in Boulder, CO. You may not know what an Ironman is, so let me enlighten you. We will start off the day swimming 2.4 miles, yeah, in the water. We will get out of the water and go grab my bike. We will then pedal my bike 112 miles. There will be hills and though I might want to quit and I might get tired, Carson will keep me strong. When we get back from our bike ride, we will strap on our running shoes and go for a little run. Daintily we will run a marathon. 26.2 miles. I will really want to quit at this point. There will be points on the run where I hurt so bad that I think I can't make it. That is when I will beg Carson for the use of his wings. I know that he will lift me by the heart and keep me on my feet.
Some folks might question my readiness or whatever they want to question, but I will tell you how I know that we are going to do this. When I can't sleep, when I lie awake in bed and just can't clear my head, many people will watch a movie, read a book, count sheep or whatever. I walk quietly to the living room and sit in my chair. I grab my computer and I log in to Youtube. I pull up the Ironman racing channel and I watch Ironman videos. I have seen all of them more times than is probably healthy. That, however, is not where it ends. As people finish, I cry. I weep knowing that the only way for my son to accomplish this feat is for me to take him on the journey. And I will do just that.
I told my wife last week that I wanted to do this. It should not be a big deal to tell the woman I love that I want to run a race, but I had to fight back tears to a level that I have not fought them before. I could barely get the words out.
I know that this is the only things that will fulfill my need to keep Carson with me. I can sleep on his pillows and wrap up in his blankets and snuggle his stuffed animals, but that will not make him proud of his dad. That will not let his siblings know that when bad things happen, they can't stop us if we don't let them. I pray every day that my kids know why I am on the journey I am on. I tell them, but I hope they get it. I hope it clicks for them.
I look forward to posting blogs and getting VLOGS up on youtube as well. When you read this blog or watch a video on Youtube, I would ask that you say a prayer for my son and our family. We appreciate the support.
On August 7, we will run an Ironman 140.6 in Boulder, CO. You may not know what an Ironman is, so let me enlighten you. We will start off the day swimming 2.4 miles, yeah, in the water. We will get out of the water and go grab my bike. We will then pedal my bike 112 miles. There will be hills and though I might want to quit and I might get tired, Carson will keep me strong. When we get back from our bike ride, we will strap on our running shoes and go for a little run. Daintily we will run a marathon. 26.2 miles. I will really want to quit at this point. There will be points on the run where I hurt so bad that I think I can't make it. That is when I will beg Carson for the use of his wings. I know that he will lift me by the heart and keep me on my feet.
Some folks might question my readiness or whatever they want to question, but I will tell you how I know that we are going to do this. When I can't sleep, when I lie awake in bed and just can't clear my head, many people will watch a movie, read a book, count sheep or whatever. I walk quietly to the living room and sit in my chair. I grab my computer and I log in to Youtube. I pull up the Ironman racing channel and I watch Ironman videos. I have seen all of them more times than is probably healthy. That, however, is not where it ends. As people finish, I cry. I weep knowing that the only way for my son to accomplish this feat is for me to take him on the journey. And I will do just that.
I told my wife last week that I wanted to do this. It should not be a big deal to tell the woman I love that I want to run a race, but I had to fight back tears to a level that I have not fought them before. I could barely get the words out.
I know that this is the only things that will fulfill my need to keep Carson with me. I can sleep on his pillows and wrap up in his blankets and snuggle his stuffed animals, but that will not make him proud of his dad. That will not let his siblings know that when bad things happen, they can't stop us if we don't let them. I pray every day that my kids know why I am on the journey I am on. I tell them, but I hope they get it. I hope it clicks for them.
I look forward to posting blogs and getting VLOGS up on youtube as well. When you read this blog or watch a video on Youtube, I would ask that you say a prayer for my son and our family. We appreciate the support.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I GET 2 TRI!
Things are different. Things are new. I am changing, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have changed my approach to many things. I am putting effort into new places. I view my fatherhood role differently.
I have always known that I was an example for my kids. The example that I worked hard to set was one of a hard worker and provider. Those were close to the same thing, because I worked hard at providing. While I am the main provider in the house, I can put the hard work in elsewhere and we will all still eat supper every night. I can be more devoted to my family and work harder on making me the best I can be and we will all still have a roof over our heads.
I have changed. I have devoted time to my family to simply have quality time. We like to fish together, we worship together, we walk together, we don't even usually go to the grocery without each other. We make every effort to take the time we have and make it great. We sing, we dance, we scare each other and we love each other. I committed at the end of April to training for and completing my first Sprint Distance Triathlon. On July 11th, I completed my first Sprint Distance Triathlon in Ogallala, NE. I love the sense of accomplishment that it came with, I love that I DID IT! What I love the most is that the people around me, those close to me know WHY I did it. It wasn't for me. There are certainly fringe benefits in it for me, like physical fitness and whatnot, but the real reason is for the memory of my angel Carson. For One Hour and Fifty Seven Minutes, I prayed. I asked Carson to give me is wings, I talked with him as if he were right there with me and when I finished, I knew that it wasn't just me who remembered.
When people find out you are training for a race, they want to know what your goals are. They want to know times and athletic goals, maybe weightloss or an inspirational fat to fit story. I don't have one. My goal is that I would continue to remember my son and that he would get to live through me if even for a short time. Every race this is the highest priority and this is the number one goal. To give him life again the only way that I know how.
This year Triathlon was added to the Special Olympics World Games in Los Angeles. Though Carson will never have the opportunity to race there, every fiber of my being believes that he would have been eventually. So I will continue to train, continue to swim, continue to bike, continue to run in hopes that you won't see me, but you will see him when you see me.
I am so blessed that I GET 2 TRI. I GET 2 TRI while he cannot. I will go farther for him, I will go faster for him and I will go longer for him. Between my angel and my Jesus, Nothing will stand in my way.
I have always known that I was an example for my kids. The example that I worked hard to set was one of a hard worker and provider. Those were close to the same thing, because I worked hard at providing. While I am the main provider in the house, I can put the hard work in elsewhere and we will all still eat supper every night. I can be more devoted to my family and work harder on making me the best I can be and we will all still have a roof over our heads.
I have changed. I have devoted time to my family to simply have quality time. We like to fish together, we worship together, we walk together, we don't even usually go to the grocery without each other. We make every effort to take the time we have and make it great. We sing, we dance, we scare each other and we love each other. I committed at the end of April to training for and completing my first Sprint Distance Triathlon. On July 11th, I completed my first Sprint Distance Triathlon in Ogallala, NE. I love the sense of accomplishment that it came with, I love that I DID IT! What I love the most is that the people around me, those close to me know WHY I did it. It wasn't for me. There are certainly fringe benefits in it for me, like physical fitness and whatnot, but the real reason is for the memory of my angel Carson. For One Hour and Fifty Seven Minutes, I prayed. I asked Carson to give me is wings, I talked with him as if he were right there with me and when I finished, I knew that it wasn't just me who remembered.
When people find out you are training for a race, they want to know what your goals are. They want to know times and athletic goals, maybe weightloss or an inspirational fat to fit story. I don't have one. My goal is that I would continue to remember my son and that he would get to live through me if even for a short time. Every race this is the highest priority and this is the number one goal. To give him life again the only way that I know how.
This year Triathlon was added to the Special Olympics World Games in Los Angeles. Though Carson will never have the opportunity to race there, every fiber of my being believes that he would have been eventually. So I will continue to train, continue to swim, continue to bike, continue to run in hopes that you won't see me, but you will see him when you see me.
I am so blessed that I GET 2 TRI. I GET 2 TRI while he cannot. I will go farther for him, I will go faster for him and I will go longer for him. Between my angel and my Jesus, Nothing will stand in my way.
Friday, May 1, 2015
The Numb Wears Off
It's been a while. Things are changing. Since my last post, we have had two of the kids' birthdays, Easter and some other things.
I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
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