Unselfish Me Time

Father’s Day and the week after was kind of a fast and furious week. We took a surprise trip to Denver to see family and sit with Grandma in the hospital. I spent the week among people I love and gave my time and my sanity to them. It was a week well spent. The things that didn’t happen, were the time that I take for me.

The next week, my parents went on a bike ride for a few days and I was leading solo at work projects and trying to keep a schedule between work and family. I also did not take time for me that week. From Sunday through Friday, I didn’t take time for me.

Last week, I did not have a blog post. I was uninspired and preoccupied by work, family, money and the rest of everything else. I let me become less of a priority than almost everything else. I didn’t eat right, I didn’t train, I didn’t write, I didn’t do anything for me.

Finally, Saturday morning, yesterday, I got up and ran! I ran 7 miles. I may not have been quite in shape enough for that, but I did it. Within the first couple miles, I was back into my head, I was inspired, I was ready to write.

This for me was evidence that I must take time for myself to be my best self. I don’t mean that I need to go do things that would have a negative impact on everyone else because it’s what I want to do, but to do things that put me in a place to better serve my family, my friends, my clients, and the people I come in contact with each day.

How do I decide what is positive or productive “Me Time” and what is negative or selfish? Well, Here are a few questions I ask myself:

• Is this something that I would like to have remain a secret?
• Is there a like minded group of people that would enjoy doing this activity with me?
• If it costs money, is it something I can actually afford?
• Am I Proud of this thing?

I guess the first question should be: Is it legal? Ha ha! That’s a good place to start. 

My theory is, if you don’t have positive answers to these questions, you might reevaluate you priorities and what you consider “Me Time”. I am not here to say what is a “good or bad” thing, that is something you have to consider for yourself.

Ultimately, if you spend all of your time pouring yourself out, you will run out of self to pour. Even the biggest containers have limits to what they can put out if they are not replenished from time to time. 

I would like to follow up on this next week with Leaky Cup Syndrome. Life has normal ups and downs anyway, sometimes it is just not possible to fill ourselves all the way back up. What then?

How Do I Know What to Say?

I consider myself to be fairly patient.  I like to think about my reactions before I act. I consider many options before choosing something and I take my time making the decision.  This week, my patience was put to the test a little bit.

I was doing some work for a person whom I knew from our previous time in Omaha. We chatted all morning about lots of things, and got to the subject of family.  She asked about the kids and all of the polite things one should. When I brought up Carson and explained that he had passed away, but that he was our little boy who had Down syndrome, the response almost knocked me on my butt.

“That must be how it was supposed to be. Just imagine the life he would have had.”

Now, I have been grieving, I have watched people grieve, I have helped people grieve,and we all struggle to find the right words to say. We all want to have the words that ride with someone that become a mantra for them so that we can be the wise hero that pulled the from a perpetual future funk.

Stop it.

That is selfish. Just send a cheesy card if that is what you are looking for.  If you can’t show up with open ears and an open heart, just stay home.  This is a time for listening, for putting others first.  Showing up out of obligation, showing up to be a hero, showing up because you think you can be the friend that appears from the shadows to right all wrongs and bring balance to an emotional chaos is a waste.

When you show up out of love, sincerity, compassion and hope, then we are getting somewhere.  The most important people on my journey ever thought that they were a knight in shining armor was far less than.

So, that brings me to a quick little helpful list, in no particular order, of things that you don’t need to say to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one... of any age:

Heaven needed another angel.
It was God’s plan.
That’s how it was supposed to be.
God needed them.
Time will heal all wounds.
You will get over this.
You will get through this.
Anything that you think will make you look awesome.

This list is by no means comprehensive, there are plenty of things you could say that while on the surface seem comforting, are actually less than helpful.

The second line, “imagine what his life would have been like”.  Everyday.  Everyday I imagine what his life would have been like. Every night I imagine what bedtime would be like. Every morning I wish I had another morning.  In stark contrast to the way it was said, always “imagine what their life would have been like.” Some days, that’s the only thing that helps.

Breakthroughs: Am I Getting There?

I am trying something new this week.  Ok, I am trying 2 new things this week.

I am doing a 16/8 intermittent fast.  That means that I am not eating real food for 16 hours a day, and for 8 hours, I eat.  

My wife and I are also rolling hard on a low carb, no (at least lots less) refined sugars, diet.  It is kind of a mix of keto, whole 30, and whatever else doesnt eat as much sugar.

Dude!  What the heck?!? Why are you "dieting"?  fasting isn't good for you!  Advice, advice, advice...  thanks, don't need it.

The deal is, I have plateaued.  I have reached a place where nothing is really changing.  I have reached a place where even when I feel like I am working out pretty hard, or eating ok, or whatever, changes arent really coming.  It is my experience that those symptoms would indicate that I am not doing things as different, or getting out of my comfort zone like I think I am.  

While this is great in terms of fitness, body shape, training, whatever, this is not a fitness blog and I am not here to give fitness advice or to tell you the way to be healthy.  This blog started the night I lost my son, and my mission is to try and help those who feel stuck.  I want to help those who feel lost.  I want to help people who dont feel like they have many places to turn, so the internet is where they landed.  I want to help anyone who finds themselves here, lost or found.

So why would I talk about my stupid diets and stuff?

Because breakthroughs wont happen if you continue doing the same everyday things that you do.  If you dont stretch yourself, you will remain the same.

I don't necessarily mean that you have to saddle up and run an Ironman triathlon like I did, but each time you stretch may feel that way.

The first time I stretched after Carson died, was something seemingly mundane.  I went to Walmart.  I went with no kids, I went without my wife, it was my dad and I at the Walmart in North Platte, NE.  We were there to get poster board for pictures of Carson. This should not have been a stretch, but it most certainly was.  We always went to the store as a family.  I couldn't very well leave 5 kids at home, all under the age of 9, without parents.  It was a big deal to me, but nobody else in the store noticed.  Nobody seemed to care.  Nobody, but me, knew what was stirring inside me and everyone else was life like normal.  That was an interesting stretch that gave me permission to go back to the store and be ready for when the rest of the family came with us. 

For weeks, maybe months, it was a stretch for me to get the right number of plates, bowls, silverware, or whatever it was out of the cabinet at meal time.  My brain could not count one less than normal.  I thought it was super weird, but grief will do that.  What I probably should have done, would be to force myself to count the right number, or just set out the extra plate.  Not me.  I chose to cope by getting out all of the plates.  I would take them all out of the cabinet and let kids grab a plate off the pile.  There, I didn't have to count.  That made it all better.  A good example of having a breakthrough? Probably not, but like I when grief invades your life, you have to learn to dance WITH it, instead of avoiding it all of the time.  

No matter who you are, where you have been, or what it is that eats at you, you can stretch yourself.  You can stretch a little on a trip to Walmart, or you can stretch alot and choose a lofty goal that you are unsure of your ability to reach.  Either way, you get to rise up and know that there is one less thing holding you down.  You are resilient, you are strong, and you are able to do it.  

See you next time!

Going 35 in a 75

In the weeks following the loss of Carson I had lunch with a couple of other fathers and mentors that had also lost children.  They turned out to be some very important people for my sanity and my growth in finding a new normal.

I would like to share one of the ideas that, three years later, is most applicable and still one of the most important things I have heard.  The great news is, this advice works for everyone, everywhere!  You don't need to have lost a child for this to work, you simply need to be a human that gets distracted sometimes.

Life is like the interstate, most people push their luck and drive a little over the speed limit, we are busy people.  We try to get as much done as we can, we try to find our sanity limit and keep ourselves just on the brink of a mental breakdown.  We drive as fast as we can and pray for a rest area to stop for 3 seconds to use the bathroom so we can get back to pushing.  After a loss like ours, though, sometimes, we can only go 35 and making it back to a consistent 75 is probably not a reality.  So, some days will seem like the world is flying by and others will seem like you can almost keep up, the important part is to go as fast as you can or can't any given day and own it.

I have seen people who cope by doing 80 or 90 mph and expect that to keep them so busy that there is simply not time to think about the issues or events that got them where they are.  I have also seen people who slow down to about 15 and never return to even 45 or 50.  They become stuck in 15-20 land and it pushes away their remaining friends and family. They forget what it is like to be happy and feel the constant pressure of guilt and a need to feel sad.

At this point, my cruising speed is about 60.  I have days where it is more like 30, and sometimes I see brief moments of 70-75.  What I have really made an attempt to do, is to be self aware and know what kind of effort I can put in when.  I save my high speed days for when I really need them.  I save them for when the family needs me the most and my job needs me the most.  Most of the time, those happen to be the same weeks.

The tough question is, how do we meet other peoples expectations of consistent 75 while doing 60?  I cannot physically do 75 for very long any more.  It is too much for me.  The thing about going 75 is that multitasking is often a major part of thinking you are getting work done.  We spend our time working, cell phoning, parenting, and everything else.  Consider your plate at dinner, (or supper, depending upon the region you grew up) a nice steak, maybe some green beans, a dinner roll, and maybe some salad or something.  I don't know very many people who take time, cut everything up and then stir it all together and eat it with a trowel.  The chef (your Mother) would look at you like you were nuts, and you would not get the individual great flavors from each part of the meal.  I tend to eat one thing at a time, savor it, and move on to the next.  I try to treat life the same way.

When we focus on the task at hand, parenting, work, whatever, the quality increases exponentially.  If I am renovating a kitchen, for instance, I will set goals for the day that are in line with the goals for the overall project timeline.  I will set aside tasks that are not part of today's goals in favor of completing today's first.  When I see other projects or things I need to do, I can take note and continue the direction I am going.  This helps me get tasks done faster and better.  Be present and focus.  I have learned that by focusing my energy better on what I am doing and being present, I can do 75 quality work while going 60 or even slower.

If I am hanging with my family, I try not to talk shop or do work.  I leave my cell phone in the bedroom, or in its most common place, wherever it landed before I have to ask my wife to call it so I can find it again.  I try to focus my time with the people who need me most in the moment.  Sometimes I get caught up in my phone, I get caught up in social media, I get stuck in my own little world, and it is not fair to my loved ones for me not to give them the best part of me while we are hanging out.  If you need ideas on how to execute this, shut off all of your notifications on your phone and leave it in your bedroom.  It will never ding, and if you are with the most important people, there won't be an emergency that cant be handled without you.

I guess what I am getting at, is make sure that you give the best part of you for the task to the task that needs it.  Don't waste work time talking about being a great family man, but spend all of your family time being a great worker.  This is something that has become incredibly important in my life, so I hope that it gets you thinking and evaluating.

See ya'll for the next one.

Back To Writing and Remembering

It's been a while, so I am going to just spill for a bit.

This week, I was reminded that grief is hard.  It hits hard, it is swift, it does not care about its path of destruction.  It creates a path that we can perceive as narrow, but it seems to get wider and wider as we see it from a higher perspective.

I have not been blogging for a while, but I realize that it is important.  It is important for me, and if it can be important for even one other person, that is a good enough reason to continue to me.

My family has moved about 240 miles east of where we were when I last wrote.  I have ended about 12 years of employment in churches and ministry.  I am now in the construction and remodeling business.  I have been pretty focused on finding a normal with our new situation and our new life.
That is the quickest update I can give, I am sure that there will be more as more blogs come.

When you are in the ministry long enough, you wind up helping kids and families through times that are really awful.  This past weekend, one family from my early years of ministry, unexpectedly lost their father and husband.  I only met him a few times, but I knew the family well. 

On Sunday I heard about him, and by Sunday night, I found myself in their kitchen, at their table, reliving moments of grief, pain, laughs, and love.  This is a family that is strong, they love hard, and they recognize that their father was an incredible human being.  His legacy is strong. 

I watched grief from the beginning.  I saw the raw pain. 

I tried to remember my own.  I have realized that instead of remembering every part of every day, I barely remember things over the course of a few weeks.  It is such a blur.  I think I prefer it that way.  I know that the days were there, and I know that things happened.  It has become hard for me to put a timeline to the events.  Many of my memories don't make sense. 

I often feel guilt over my memory not being very good, but I remember the most important parts.  I remember the love that I felt, I remember that people cared for my family when I couldn't.  I was in a place where I could barely care for me let alone everyone else.  Our families kept us steady, our families kept us afloat, our families kept us fed and loved.  Thank you. 

It is one of my passions to help those who are grieving.  I do this through training and racing.  I also found great solace in a kitchen table with a family that I have loved for a long time.  I hope that this blog also brings someone some peace. 

Also, as a side note, I will be more organized into the future.  I will not usually going to be so scatter-brained, but there is a whole bunch of blog stuff floating around in my head.  So this one was kind of a dumping ground of what came out. 

Get Unstuck; You Can Beat The Plateau!

Getting stuck in grief is a real thing.  What do I do when I feel stuck?  Try something totally new.  I do something that I have never done.  This week I am being a vegetarian for the first time in my life, ever... ever.  I really like to eat things that used to eat.  They are really tasty. So, here is my week as it were:

I went to the grocery store yesterday.

Before we go to the grocery store I make a meal plan and build a list.

Saturday, I decided that we would have a vegetarian week.  Why?  It sounds interesting and I want to see how my body reacts.  That's all.

Sunday:
So far so good.  I made some bars that are called superfood breakfast bars or something like that. They are full of Pumpkin Seeds, Oats, and all sorts of good for you type stuff.  They are OK, I had a couple for breakfast.  Kind of a change from the ham, eggs and cheese I usually have.  Feeling good though.  We will see how my bike ride goes tonight.

Bike ride went really well, wasn't overly tired or anything.  I have to admit that was kind of a surprise!  I didn't have any meat cravings or anything, it was a pretty chill day, we made some black bean tacos for lunch.  They were really fantastic!

Monday:
Back to Eggs and toast for breakfast.  This is standard because I always eat the same thing!  No reason to waste time trying to choose.  I hate when I feel like I have wasted time trying to choose something like that. And the superfood bars weren't great.  Lots of fruit this morning.  It was all good and tasty!

First test.  Home for lunch.Uncle Ben's whole grain rice packet and some fresh veggies.  I usually have a chicken breast with my rice packet at lunch, so I am being tempted for sure.  Not sure that I ate enough.  Uh Oh.  Lots of snacks through the afternoon.

Back on the bike again tonight, CRUSHED my work out!  I have been adding Tabata sets to almost all of my workouts for the last couple weeks.  I now keep the trash can close, because one of these days I am going to need it.

Tuesday:
I had my eggs and toast.  I was good.  I had rice for lunch with the left over black bean taco filling mixed in.  Was mostly satiated all afternoon, had some carrots and peas in the afternoon as well.

Fajitas were for dinner.  I screwed that up.  The kids ate taco bell and I tried to choke down the veggies for the fajitas.  I accidentally ate a piece of the chicken after I made it for the rest of the family.  Totally just a cooking reaction to see how it tasted.  I always taste the food I make!  Oh well.  It's all good.  No major cravings though, still rocking and rolling!

Wednesday - Friday:
MEAT! NO MEAT! That is about how my brain has been working.  There were people and meals and workouts and all sorts of stuff.  If this was a blog about being a vegetarian, I would tell you more... It's not.

I did something different for a week.  I focused really hard on something that wasn't my grief.  I focused on eating vegetables.  I guess, I focused more on NOT eating meat.  Whatever.

The idea is that if you are stuck, if grief has you pinned and you can't seem to get around it through your daily regulars, do something that isn't regular.  It may work, it may not work.  What it will do is help shift your focus, and give you a small win when you accomplish a short term goal!  I never thought I would be vegetarian for a meal, let alone a week.  This is new territory for me.

I knocked down a goal, I flexed my discipline muscle and accomplished something.  Now I feel pretty good about myself!  So, I got out of the norm and got an ego boost.  Hooray!  Now, I can return to life as normal, or I can take what I learned and incorporate something positive into my new normal.

Get unstuck.  Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you!  See you next week!

Mixed Up Emotions, We Aren't The Same

Even before we were parents, we were experiencing this.  We were in the process of growing baby number two. After a doctor appointment I wanted some breakfast.  I decided Burger King was the way to go and Julie said she was not that hungry. It was a drive through situation, so I pulled up and as we waited, she decided in true pregnant lady fashion that a chicken sandwich sounded good.  it was still breakfast menu, so I was concerned that we would not be able to accomplish a craving fulfillment.  We pulled up to the speaker, I asked about the sandwich, even using the pregnant lady card, and was told, "Negatory on the sandarino." (Not a direct quote, but I thought it was more interesting that way)

As I pulled through to the window, Julie yelled at me, "Don't laugh at me!". I was certainly confused as there was not so much as a snicker from the driver's seat. I turned to ask what she was talking about and was met with fairly heavy sobbing and crocodile tears. We had a moment where I was trying really hard to be sympathetic, but trying really hard not to laugh about the traumatic chicken sandwich incident.  Mixed emotions and the different ways we handle things are hard.

I run into this problem more as a Dad because I think more childish things are funny than my wife does.  Incidentally, children do childish things.  More often than not, if I am giggling about something the kids said, I am simultaneously getting an"Are you serious?" Look from my wife. I earn them a lot.

The difference in humor shows up most clear on trips to the local grocery establishment.  Once the kids started being able to read, it was over.  Once we made the mistake of going to the check out aisle with the home enema kits.  The oldest boy had some interesting observations. I was stifling my laughter, albeit not very well, through phrases that ended with "in your butt?" Julie was less than impressed with him and my lack of motivation to stop him from such chatter. I just try to put myself in the check out lane next to us and think " would this conversation make my day?". If the answer is yes, I let it continue and just giggle.  If not, I am more apt to cut it off quickly.

Much in the same way we have different humor, we have different paths to walk through grief and different methods of coping when it is overwhelming.  I grieve far different than Julie does. She takes time and reflects quietly and alone, she also emotes.  I do to, to a certain extent, but I like to train harder and sweat more, I also like to write.

We have been grieving for a while now. We have been in cycles, and differing degrees of grief for a long time and we have seen each other at our highest and lowest points.  Those each look far different for us as individuals.  As parents, as a couple, as a family we have to understand that my way of grieving, her way of grieving or anyone else's way is not any better or worse than any other without n healthy boundaries. (Barring, of course, substance abuse and self-harm)

Time lines, stages, cycles, what ever part of grief you are talking about, is not linear.  There is not a natural and constant progression.  Some days are good and some days breathing is a monumental feat.

Try to remember these things as we plow through one day at a time.  Grief is not easy and everyone does it there own way.  We can't force people to move through grief, but we can encourage them and try to help them not get stuck there. The only way to keep from getting stuck is to push through intentionally. To practice being uncomfortable intentionally. To pray like it depends on God and to work like it depends on you.

See you next week.