A new month. A time to recognize that things aren't going to be the same. Things have been starting to sink in for all of us. We went to church on a Wednesday Night and the kids start out by playing a bunch of games and singing together. After that gets done, they head to their classrooms to have their lessons. Well, Cecilia had a fun night playing and singing, but then told Mom that she did not want to go to class. When Mom asked why, she responded that "Carson always goes to class with me." That definitely pulled at the heart strings. Still looking for a new normal.
Carson is missed in a big way. We endured our first family celebration without him. It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday. Grandparents came to town and we had a great time. Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together. For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate. We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.
Grief has taken a new form. I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me. He told me something that really hit home. He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time. He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now. We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now. It hit me. I know now that I can't go 80. I have tried. I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it. I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me. It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that. I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen. It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.
I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to. God does that. A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple. I invited the youth of our church and had some takers. We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did. Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me. I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little. I smiled, it was good. The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled. Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job. They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him. It was a quality message. Not what hit me though. The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship. So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke. They sang How He Loves. Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt. I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face. I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight. That little girl danced all night. We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.
I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.
God has come through for me. He will come through for you. Just ask him.
Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.
The Dad who dads
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