Beauty and the Guilt Beast

It is Thursday.  This has been an interesting week.  We have done things as a family again.  We went to the park, we had pizza, I went back to work, we went to church.  None of it was normal yet, none of it didn't hurt, none of it wasn't empty and different, but all of it was good.

We have had some good days, some iffy times, some sadness and grief.  We had pizza.  We ordered the normal amount and we have quite a bit left over.  That is sad on multiple levels, one because Carson wasn't here to eat it and the other because we have left over pizza.

The park was great, except we were minus one.  The kids weren't sad, the parents were sad and happy.  Our children have never been to the park and been the focus of all of our attention because Carson would run all over hell and gone and if you were't watching he would run all the way to Lord knows where.  The other 4 kids were used to having to keep eyes out for each other and be ready to help if we needed it.  That pressure wasn't there at the park.  As Julie took the kids to the playground, I took Niner the dog to the dog park.  He loved it, by the way.  I did not feel guilty leaving Julie with all of them while I watched the dog.  It was strange.  We felt guilty that we didn't feel that pressure, like we were betraying him.  I returned to the park to find Julie fully invested in a set of swings with the 4 kids and it was beautiful.  It was beautiful to see my wife play with Carson and the kids too.  It was just different and still beautiful.

I don't want you to read the wrong thing.  I want you to read that I LOVED the old normal more than anything that I could dream of, but a new normal will have to do.  There is no way around it.  There is no way to put it lightly and there is no good reason to dance around it.  Things are different and they will be.  Things function differently and no matter how much I wish and pray that time could rewind it won't.  There are 4 more kids in this home that need my love, that need my effort, that need my dadding.

It isn't always going to be easy.  Every morning Julie and I lay in bed and I look her in the eyes.  Together we pray and make a commitment to that day to love God, love each other and love the kids and do what is best for them that day.

We got a book from a dear friend of ours that is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry".  Let me tell you, first off that is a fairly misleading title for at least the first 19 times we read it, probably more.  In our house, we do mucho singing.  We sing, we dance, we music and have a blast.  There is a page that talks about how beautiful his voice is when he sings in heaven. We REALLY like that page. It is a beautiful book that has brought much healing.

Keep God in front of you and your people next to you.

Goodnight.