Worried

I was worried about it. I was worried about everyone showing up. With every new face it was a little more real. I don't want to send out the wrong signal, I greatly appreciate that everyone has come to be with us and help us to mourn our precious baby. I owe all of you thick, heavy gratitude. The presence of people and the show of support from our community has been above and beyond anything that we have known.

I know what happened. I was there for everything. I gave him CPR on the floor until the paramedics arrived. I am aware that I sat waiting in the consultation room while they worked on him. I was there when the woman came in and told us that it could not be going any worse. I was there when they did all they could do. I was there and even though I was there, this is so surreal. I am not even sure that it is happening. Every time I see a new person, hug someone, go to another thing, it gets more real. Well,  tonight it got extra real. A couple hundred people gathered at First UMC to mourn my son. I saw people from Omaha,  lincoln, Denver,  cozad, north platte, Kansas and probably a million more, all there to support us in a time of crisis. I loved seeing that many people, but it kept getting more and more real. Finally, Julie and I walked down the aisle where my baby's urn waited for us. It's real.

As I looked at the flowers all around I noticed one in particular that was on the main table behind Carson's urn. They have a glass cross and they are beautiful. They came from the Remmeried family. This is a family who is quite dear to my heart. Their daughter was in a car accident and I was with them through much of the process.  The people that placed the flowers know nothing of this. To them it just looked the best. To me it was a sign that my baby is not alone, my baby is in great hands and my baby is happy.

I was worried. I was worried about the emotions I would have when we met people who had just shown up.  The more people, the more real everything became.  After I saw those flowers, I knew that if God took care of something little like that he was caring for me perfectly. I find peace in that. I'm not worried.