A New Normal

Today we began our next mission.  We began to search for a new normal.  We loved our old normal, we were used to our old normal, we would have given everything to keep our old normal, but now it is time for something new.  As we go on this search, we have many things to face.  We have to face how things are changing, not just in a Carson isn't with us kind of way, but in a how do we function as a family without Carson here way.  This means getting in and out of the car, it means bed time, it means meals, church, book shelves.

It means that I feel guilty when I use the words easier, quicker, less difficult and other such things.  Under normal circumstances using these words for a child that you lost would make you feel bad, yes, but I am a parent of a child with a disability too.  A child that never heard a negative word about his or any other disability.  We did not see anything with him as a chore, we didn't see it as too difficult.  We chose not to do some things because of the speed with which he would undo them, like books on the shelf in an orderly fashion.  Carson would have those books back on the floor before you even stood up, so they were in piles on the shelf because it was easier that way.  There are lots of little things like that.  Those little things make me feel the worst, but they are part of everything.  Maybe one day I will feel less guilty for making observations about the practicality of our new normal, our new reality.

We had a service at church for Ash Wednesday tonight, it was the first time that I grabbed my guitar and sang for people since everything happened.  Tonight I didn't sing for people, I sang for my precious Carson.  I sang for him.  We sang How He Loves/Come As Your Are by David Crowder.  If you haven't heard either of these songs, you need to.  You need to so much that here are links to them.  Come As Your Are and here is How He Loves there is much healing in the lyrics of these songs.  It is more than words,  it is an all out prayer.  One more Crowder bit can explain most of how I long for my son right now SMS Shine.

Weeks ago, our worship leader and I chose these two songs.  This last week, this difficult week How He Loves has been the song that is on constant repeat in my head.  I can't get around it, so tonight I sang for my best buddy.

It seems a stark contrast when I think about feelings of anger, regret, despair and sadness that I could be feeling and all I can think is how he loves us.  My God loves me, my God loves you, my God loves Carson.  I cannot get around the feeling of love.

My wife and I have made a commitment to ourselves that we will never let ourselves be perched above God.  He is our number one, above ourselves and above all else.  On our search for a new normal, that is step one.  It would be far to easy to forget that he loves us, so we committed not to.  I don't want a new normal, I need a new normal and I am going to make new normal almost as good as old normal.