The Difference

We woke up this morning. Nothing was different. We felt awful. We woke up to tears of realization when there were still 4 kids and not 5 kids in their beds. Everything still hurt. We couldn't get away from the fact that yesterday our 4-year old had suddenly passed away.  It was our first time waking up without him.

We spent time with family and met at the funeral home to make arrangements. The decisions were not difficult in the sense that we couldn't agree, but difficult to stomach having to make them. Our families were wonderful and even if they didn't like our choices they said nothing and supported us. Through all of that, we were reminded that we didn't feel different. We were reminded that the situation wasn't different.

Carson will be cremated. That was our choice. Tonight we had a personal family viewing. Julie and I went first and after some time with Carson, we invited his big brother in to say goodbye and then everyone else. The whole time, nothing was different. I was broken. I was tattered. I was shrinking, soon to be shut out by grief. As everyone said their peace, Julie and I returned to the side of our son and prayed with him one last time. Something was different.

After everyone had left Julie asked if she could hold him one more time. As I saw the perfect mother and child, something was different.  I also held him and talked to him and told him what I needed him to know. At one point his face looked to smile back at me. Something changed, something was different.

Something indeed was different. There isn't a way to describe the peace and comfort that I felt holding him one more time. We prayed, cried, talked and asked him for forgiveness. There was nothing that we could have done differently,  but we still apologized and asked for forgiveness.

Things are different. God blessed me with 4 years that have taught me more than 4 years at the most expensive universities could have. The patience, the hope, the love, and the presence. If nothing else, be present for your kids, you never know when they will need to be present for you. They can only be what you model for them. Tonight, Carson was present for me. Tonight, the Lord was present for me and right now that makes all the difference.