Handling The Unexpected

Handling every day life becomes about planning and routine.  You can make a plan and feel like you have your head above water.  You can make a budget and see where your money is going.  Life doesn't work that way all of the time.

Life isn't all plannable. Things will come up and most of the time, the surprises that affect us the most are not good surprises.  This week I want to talk a little about handling hard surprises in life and what that means for me.

I have lost jobs, I have lost pets, friends, grandparents and a child.  I have gotten injured.  I have had money collected and garnished.  Things happen in life and one of the first things that I learned in each event is that trying to go through it alone is a terrible idea.  Isolation and saying, "I just need to handle this on my own", is not smart.  It is also selfish.  I know that seems backwards, but not allowing people to help you is selfish.  People want to help and when they help, it will shorten your time of suffering.  When that time is shortened, you can get back to being supportive and productive.  Having a community of support around you is important.

Often times, we feel as though we have no support and have no community.  That would indicate to me that it is time to go find one.  Find a support group, go to church, go to the store, library, or any place where people are social enough that it won't be considered outwardly strange to talk to people.  The Men's Room between urinals is not a good place to chat with a new friend.  (After all, there are unwritten rules that must be respected!)  Finding a community, a team is important because there are things that you won't think of, won't be able to do, might have questions, or even just get some feedback.  A community is paramount, especially if you feel like you don't "want" one.  That is a great time to find one.

Your community has connections.  They might have connections for a new job, connections to a good therapist, a high recommendation for a doctor, someone who will help you with a task you have lost the ability to do, or any number of other needs you may not quite know how to fill.

There is a process of Grief, which I believe can happen for any negative surprise.  Process, to me, is not quite the right word.  Process feels far to linear.  Grief is all but linear.  There is one part of grief where you lie to yourself and pretend it didn't really happen.  This for me was quickly squashed by grabbing breakfast dishes or doing laundry.  The morning after Carson passed I had a total melt down when I could not figure out how many plates I needed.  My brain knew what 5 - 1 equalled, but I could not fish that number out of my head.  It was months before I didn't have to think slowly and deliberately through the number of plates I would need for a given meal.  Unexpected circumstances yield unexpected results.

There is more to handling the unexpected, it is so different for everybody, that this could go for days, so hopefully throughout the year we will hit lots of different bits of this.

One thing that happens when you get to an unexpected point, you want to know why and you want to know who to blame.  Those can be two of the most incredibly difficult questions to answer, sometimes impossible.   In our case, with Carson, we have tried to justify it, come up with a why, but nothing makes sense.

"God is testing you."  That is so far from logic that it hurts.  Why would my understanding of life and my devotion be worth the price of someone else's life?  That is ridiculous.

"It was God's plan."  I cannot subscribe to this either.  I do not believe that God "plans" super awful things.  God plans for me to be determined enough to honor the memory of my son to ask Him to make something good out of this unfortunate event. He didn't plan to take Carson from us like a bully heading over to the little kid basketball game on the playground just to take the ball.  Seems unlikely.
Maybe God simply doesn't like me.  If that were true, I wouldn't have been made in the first place.  God loves all of us more than we can wrap our heads around.  If you are in a crap season where everything is a struggle, remember that all good things are from the Lord, not the bad ones.

If anyone tells you "God needed..." you can stop them right there.  God doesn't need anything that we can give.  He is the provider, the alpha and omega.  To insinuate that He "needs something from us implies that we are above Him and that is not true.

When the unexpected happens, God is in your community.  God is in your corner pushing you on.  God is giving you the strength to stand that day.  God is giving you the peace to even talk to people.  God is giving you the patience to deal with whatever is coming.

The unexpected is not always good, but you can take steps to make it less awful.  Build a community and build a relationship with Christ.