In the weeks following the loss of Carson I had lunch with a couple of other fathers and mentors that had also lost children. They turned out to be some very important people for my sanity and my growth in finding a new normal.
I would like to share one of the ideas that, three years later, is most applicable and still one of the most important things I have heard. The great news is, this advice works for everyone, everywhere! You don't need to have lost a child for this to work, you simply need to be a human that gets distracted sometimes.
Life is like the interstate, most people push their luck and drive a little over the speed limit, we are busy people. We try to get as much done as we can, we try to find our sanity limit and keep ourselves just on the brink of a mental breakdown. We drive as fast as we can and pray for a rest area to stop for 3 seconds to use the bathroom so we can get back to pushing. After a loss like ours, though, sometimes, we can only go 35 and making it back to a consistent 75 is probably not a reality. So, some days will seem like the world is flying by and others will seem like you can almost keep up, the important part is to go as fast as you can or can't any given day and own it.
I have seen people who cope by doing 80 or 90 mph and expect that to keep them so busy that there is simply not time to think about the issues or events that got them where they are. I have also seen people who slow down to about 15 and never return to even 45 or 50. They become stuck in 15-20 land and it pushes away their remaining friends and family. They forget what it is like to be happy and feel the constant pressure of guilt and a need to feel sad.
At this point, my cruising speed is about 60. I have days where it is more like 30, and sometimes I see brief moments of 70-75. What I have really made an attempt to do, is to be self aware and know what kind of effort I can put in when. I save my high speed days for when I really need them. I save them for when the family needs me the most and my job needs me the most. Most of the time, those happen to be the same weeks.
The tough question is, how do we meet other peoples expectations of consistent 75 while doing 60? I cannot physically do 75 for very long any more. It is too much for me. The thing about going 75 is that multitasking is often a major part of thinking you are getting work done. We spend our time working, cell phoning, parenting, and everything else. Consider your plate at dinner, (or supper, depending upon the region you grew up) a nice steak, maybe some green beans, a dinner roll, and maybe some salad or something. I don't know very many people who take time, cut everything up and then stir it all together and eat it with a trowel. The chef (your Mother) would look at you like you were nuts, and you would not get the individual great flavors from each part of the meal. I tend to eat one thing at a time, savor it, and move on to the next. I try to treat life the same way.
When we focus on the task at hand, parenting, work, whatever, the quality increases exponentially. If I am renovating a kitchen, for instance, I will set goals for the day that are in line with the goals for the overall project timeline. I will set aside tasks that are not part of today's goals in favor of completing today's first. When I see other projects or things I need to do, I can take note and continue the direction I am going. This helps me get tasks done faster and better. Be present and focus. I have learned that by focusing my energy better on what I am doing and being present, I can do 75 quality work while going 60 or even slower.
If I am hanging with my family, I try not to talk shop or do work. I leave my cell phone in the bedroom, or in its most common place, wherever it landed before I have to ask my wife to call it so I can find it again. I try to focus my time with the people who need me most in the moment. Sometimes I get caught up in my phone, I get caught up in social media, I get stuck in my own little world, and it is not fair to my loved ones for me not to give them the best part of me while we are hanging out. If you need ideas on how to execute this, shut off all of your notifications on your phone and leave it in your bedroom. It will never ding, and if you are with the most important people, there won't be an emergency that cant be handled without you.
I guess what I am getting at, is make sure that you give the best part of you for the task to the task that needs it. Don't waste work time talking about being a great family man, but spend all of your family time being a great worker. This is something that has become incredibly important in my life, so I hope that it gets you thinking and evaluating.
See ya'll for the next one.
Sunday, June 3, 2018
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Back To Writing and Remembering
It's been a while, so I am going to just spill for a bit.
This week, I was reminded that grief is hard. It hits hard, it is swift, it does not care about its path of destruction. It creates a path that we can perceive as narrow, but it seems to get wider and wider as we see it from a higher perspective.
I have not been blogging for a while, but I realize that it is important. It is important for me, and if it can be important for even one other person, that is a good enough reason to continue to me.
My family has moved about 240 miles east of where we were when I last wrote. I have ended about 12 years of employment in churches and ministry. I am now in the construction and remodeling business. I have been pretty focused on finding a normal with our new situation and our new life.
That is the quickest update I can give, I am sure that there will be more as more blogs come.
When you are in the ministry long enough, you wind up helping kids and families through times that are really awful. This past weekend, one family from my early years of ministry, unexpectedly lost their father and husband. I only met him a few times, but I knew the family well.
On Sunday I heard about him, and by Sunday night, I found myself in their kitchen, at their table, reliving moments of grief, pain, laughs, and love. This is a family that is strong, they love hard, and they recognize that their father was an incredible human being. His legacy is strong.
I watched grief from the beginning. I saw the raw pain.
I tried to remember my own. I have realized that instead of remembering every part of every day, I barely remember things over the course of a few weeks. It is such a blur. I think I prefer it that way. I know that the days were there, and I know that things happened. It has become hard for me to put a timeline to the events. Many of my memories don't make sense.
I often feel guilt over my memory not being very good, but I remember the most important parts. I remember the love that I felt, I remember that people cared for my family when I couldn't. I was in a place where I could barely care for me let alone everyone else. Our families kept us steady, our families kept us afloat, our families kept us fed and loved. Thank you.
It is one of my passions to help those who are grieving. I do this through training and racing. I also found great solace in a kitchen table with a family that I have loved for a long time. I hope that this blog also brings someone some peace.
Also, as a side note, I will be more organized into the future. I will not usually going to be so scatter-brained, but there is a whole bunch of blog stuff floating around in my head. So this one was kind of a dumping ground of what came out.
This week, I was reminded that grief is hard. It hits hard, it is swift, it does not care about its path of destruction. It creates a path that we can perceive as narrow, but it seems to get wider and wider as we see it from a higher perspective.
I have not been blogging for a while, but I realize that it is important. It is important for me, and if it can be important for even one other person, that is a good enough reason to continue to me.
My family has moved about 240 miles east of where we were when I last wrote. I have ended about 12 years of employment in churches and ministry. I am now in the construction and remodeling business. I have been pretty focused on finding a normal with our new situation and our new life.
That is the quickest update I can give, I am sure that there will be more as more blogs come.
When you are in the ministry long enough, you wind up helping kids and families through times that are really awful. This past weekend, one family from my early years of ministry, unexpectedly lost their father and husband. I only met him a few times, but I knew the family well.
On Sunday I heard about him, and by Sunday night, I found myself in their kitchen, at their table, reliving moments of grief, pain, laughs, and love. This is a family that is strong, they love hard, and they recognize that their father was an incredible human being. His legacy is strong.
I watched grief from the beginning. I saw the raw pain.
I tried to remember my own. I have realized that instead of remembering every part of every day, I barely remember things over the course of a few weeks. It is such a blur. I think I prefer it that way. I know that the days were there, and I know that things happened. It has become hard for me to put a timeline to the events. Many of my memories don't make sense.
I often feel guilt over my memory not being very good, but I remember the most important parts. I remember the love that I felt, I remember that people cared for my family when I couldn't. I was in a place where I could barely care for me let alone everyone else. Our families kept us steady, our families kept us afloat, our families kept us fed and loved. Thank you.
It is one of my passions to help those who are grieving. I do this through training and racing. I also found great solace in a kitchen table with a family that I have loved for a long time. I hope that this blog also brings someone some peace.
Also, as a side note, I will be more organized into the future. I will not usually going to be so scatter-brained, but there is a whole bunch of blog stuff floating around in my head. So this one was kind of a dumping ground of what came out.
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Get Unstuck; You Can Beat The Plateau!
Getting stuck in grief is a real thing. What do I do when I feel stuck? Try something totally new. I do something that I have never done. This week I am being a vegetarian for the first time in my life, ever... ever. I really like to eat things that used to eat. They are really tasty. So, here is my week as it were:
I went to the grocery store yesterday.
Before we go to the grocery store I make a meal plan and build a list.
Saturday, I decided that we would have a vegetarian week. Why? It sounds interesting and I want to see how my body reacts. That's all.
Sunday:
So far so good. I made some bars that are called superfood breakfast bars or something like that. They are full of Pumpkin Seeds, Oats, and all sorts of good for you type stuff. They are OK, I had a couple for breakfast. Kind of a change from the ham, eggs and cheese I usually have. Feeling good though. We will see how my bike ride goes tonight.
Bike ride went really well, wasn't overly tired or anything. I have to admit that was kind of a surprise! I didn't have any meat cravings or anything, it was a pretty chill day, we made some black bean tacos for lunch. They were really fantastic!
Monday:
Back to Eggs and toast for breakfast. This is standard because I always eat the same thing! No reason to waste time trying to choose. I hate when I feel like I have wasted time trying to choose something like that. And the superfood bars weren't great. Lots of fruit this morning. It was all good and tasty!
First test. Home for lunch.Uncle Ben's whole grain rice packet and some fresh veggies. I usually have a chicken breast with my rice packet at lunch, so I am being tempted for sure. Not sure that I ate enough. Uh Oh. Lots of snacks through the afternoon.
Back on the bike again tonight, CRUSHED my work out! I have been adding Tabata sets to almost all of my workouts for the last couple weeks. I now keep the trash can close, because one of these days I am going to need it.
Tuesday:
I had my eggs and toast. I was good. I had rice for lunch with the left over black bean taco filling mixed in. Was mostly satiated all afternoon, had some carrots and peas in the afternoon as well.
Fajitas were for dinner. I screwed that up. The kids ate taco bell and I tried to choke down the veggies for the fajitas. I accidentally ate a piece of the chicken after I made it for the rest of the family. Totally just a cooking reaction to see how it tasted. I always taste the food I make! Oh well. It's all good. No major cravings though, still rocking and rolling!
Wednesday - Friday:
MEAT! NO MEAT! That is about how my brain has been working. There were people and meals and workouts and all sorts of stuff. If this was a blog about being a vegetarian, I would tell you more... It's not.
I did something different for a week. I focused really hard on something that wasn't my grief. I focused on eating vegetables. I guess, I focused more on NOT eating meat. Whatever.
The idea is that if you are stuck, if grief has you pinned and you can't seem to get around it through your daily regulars, do something that isn't regular. It may work, it may not work. What it will do is help shift your focus, and give you a small win when you accomplish a short term goal! I never thought I would be vegetarian for a meal, let alone a week. This is new territory for me.
I knocked down a goal, I flexed my discipline muscle and accomplished something. Now I feel pretty good about myself! So, I got out of the norm and got an ego boost. Hooray! Now, I can return to life as normal, or I can take what I learned and incorporate something positive into my new normal.
Get unstuck. Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you! See you next week!
I went to the grocery store yesterday.
Before we go to the grocery store I make a meal plan and build a list.
Saturday, I decided that we would have a vegetarian week. Why? It sounds interesting and I want to see how my body reacts. That's all.
Sunday:
So far so good. I made some bars that are called superfood breakfast bars or something like that. They are full of Pumpkin Seeds, Oats, and all sorts of good for you type stuff. They are OK, I had a couple for breakfast. Kind of a change from the ham, eggs and cheese I usually have. Feeling good though. We will see how my bike ride goes tonight.
Bike ride went really well, wasn't overly tired or anything. I have to admit that was kind of a surprise! I didn't have any meat cravings or anything, it was a pretty chill day, we made some black bean tacos for lunch. They were really fantastic!
Monday:
Back to Eggs and toast for breakfast. This is standard because I always eat the same thing! No reason to waste time trying to choose. I hate when I feel like I have wasted time trying to choose something like that. And the superfood bars weren't great. Lots of fruit this morning. It was all good and tasty!
First test. Home for lunch.Uncle Ben's whole grain rice packet and some fresh veggies. I usually have a chicken breast with my rice packet at lunch, so I am being tempted for sure. Not sure that I ate enough. Uh Oh. Lots of snacks through the afternoon.
Back on the bike again tonight, CRUSHED my work out! I have been adding Tabata sets to almost all of my workouts for the last couple weeks. I now keep the trash can close, because one of these days I am going to need it.
Tuesday:
I had my eggs and toast. I was good. I had rice for lunch with the left over black bean taco filling mixed in. Was mostly satiated all afternoon, had some carrots and peas in the afternoon as well.
Fajitas were for dinner. I screwed that up. The kids ate taco bell and I tried to choke down the veggies for the fajitas. I accidentally ate a piece of the chicken after I made it for the rest of the family. Totally just a cooking reaction to see how it tasted. I always taste the food I make! Oh well. It's all good. No major cravings though, still rocking and rolling!
Wednesday - Friday:
MEAT! NO MEAT! That is about how my brain has been working. There were people and meals and workouts and all sorts of stuff. If this was a blog about being a vegetarian, I would tell you more... It's not.
I did something different for a week. I focused really hard on something that wasn't my grief. I focused on eating vegetables. I guess, I focused more on NOT eating meat. Whatever.
The idea is that if you are stuck, if grief has you pinned and you can't seem to get around it through your daily regulars, do something that isn't regular. It may work, it may not work. What it will do is help shift your focus, and give you a small win when you accomplish a short term goal! I never thought I would be vegetarian for a meal, let alone a week. This is new territory for me.
I knocked down a goal, I flexed my discipline muscle and accomplished something. Now I feel pretty good about myself! So, I got out of the norm and got an ego boost. Hooray! Now, I can return to life as normal, or I can take what I learned and incorporate something positive into my new normal.
Get unstuck. Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you! See you next week!
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Mixed Up Emotions, We Aren't The Same
Even before we were parents, we were experiencing this. We were in the process of growing baby number two. After a doctor appointment I wanted some breakfast. I decided Burger King was the way to go and Julie said she was not that hungry. It was a drive through situation, so I pulled up and as we waited, she decided in true pregnant lady fashion that a chicken sandwich sounded good. it was still breakfast menu, so I was concerned that we would not be able to accomplish a craving fulfillment. We pulled up to the speaker, I asked about the sandwich, even using the pregnant lady card, and was told, "Negatory on the sandarino." (Not a direct quote, but I thought it was more interesting that way)
As I pulled through to the window, Julie yelled at me, "Don't laugh at me!". I was certainly confused as there was not so much as a snicker from the driver's seat. I turned to ask what she was talking about and was met with fairly heavy sobbing and crocodile tears. We had a moment where I was trying really hard to be sympathetic, but trying really hard not to laugh about the traumatic chicken sandwich incident. Mixed emotions and the different ways we handle things are hard.
I run into this problem more as a Dad because I think more childish things are funny than my wife does. Incidentally, children do childish things. More often than not, if I am giggling about something the kids said, I am simultaneously getting an"Are you serious?" Look from my wife. I earn them a lot.
The difference in humor shows up most clear on trips to the local grocery establishment. Once the kids started being able to read, it was over. Once we made the mistake of going to the check out aisle with the home enema kits. The oldest boy had some interesting observations. I was stifling my laughter, albeit not very well, through phrases that ended with "in your butt?" Julie was less than impressed with him and my lack of motivation to stop him from such chatter. I just try to put myself in the check out lane next to us and think " would this conversation make my day?". If the answer is yes, I let it continue and just giggle. If not, I am more apt to cut it off quickly.
Much in the same way we have different humor, we have different paths to walk through grief and different methods of coping when it is overwhelming. I grieve far different than Julie does. She takes time and reflects quietly and alone, she also emotes. I do to, to a certain extent, but I like to train harder and sweat more, I also like to write.
We have been grieving for a while now. We have been in cycles, and differing degrees of grief for a long time and we have seen each other at our highest and lowest points. Those each look far different for us as individuals. As parents, as a couple, as a family we have to understand that my way of grieving, her way of grieving or anyone else's way is not any better or worse than any other without n healthy boundaries. (Barring, of course, substance abuse and self-harm)
Time lines, stages, cycles, what ever part of grief you are talking about, is not linear. There is not a natural and constant progression. Some days are good and some days breathing is a monumental feat.
Try to remember these things as we plow through one day at a time. Grief is not easy and everyone does it there own way. We can't force people to move through grief, but we can encourage them and try to help them not get stuck there. The only way to keep from getting stuck is to push through intentionally. To practice being uncomfortable intentionally. To pray like it depends on God and to work like it depends on you.
See you next week.
As I pulled through to the window, Julie yelled at me, "Don't laugh at me!". I was certainly confused as there was not so much as a snicker from the driver's seat. I turned to ask what she was talking about and was met with fairly heavy sobbing and crocodile tears. We had a moment where I was trying really hard to be sympathetic, but trying really hard not to laugh about the traumatic chicken sandwich incident. Mixed emotions and the different ways we handle things are hard.
I run into this problem more as a Dad because I think more childish things are funny than my wife does. Incidentally, children do childish things. More often than not, if I am giggling about something the kids said, I am simultaneously getting an"Are you serious?" Look from my wife. I earn them a lot.
The difference in humor shows up most clear on trips to the local grocery establishment. Once the kids started being able to read, it was over. Once we made the mistake of going to the check out aisle with the home enema kits. The oldest boy had some interesting observations. I was stifling my laughter, albeit not very well, through phrases that ended with "in your butt?" Julie was less than impressed with him and my lack of motivation to stop him from such chatter. I just try to put myself in the check out lane next to us and think " would this conversation make my day?". If the answer is yes, I let it continue and just giggle. If not, I am more apt to cut it off quickly.
Much in the same way we have different humor, we have different paths to walk through grief and different methods of coping when it is overwhelming. I grieve far different than Julie does. She takes time and reflects quietly and alone, she also emotes. I do to, to a certain extent, but I like to train harder and sweat more, I also like to write.
We have been grieving for a while now. We have been in cycles, and differing degrees of grief for a long time and we have seen each other at our highest and lowest points. Those each look far different for us as individuals. As parents, as a couple, as a family we have to understand that my way of grieving, her way of grieving or anyone else's way is not any better or worse than any other without n healthy boundaries. (Barring, of course, substance abuse and self-harm)
Time lines, stages, cycles, what ever part of grief you are talking about, is not linear. There is not a natural and constant progression. Some days are good and some days breathing is a monumental feat.
Try to remember these things as we plow through one day at a time. Grief is not easy and everyone does it there own way. We can't force people to move through grief, but we can encourage them and try to help them not get stuck there. The only way to keep from getting stuck is to push through intentionally. To practice being uncomfortable intentionally. To pray like it depends on God and to work like it depends on you.
See you next week.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
My Son, My God Two Years Later
Two years.
That is insane. Two years of struggle. Two years of grief. Two years of faith. Two years of love. Two years of remembering. Two years of questions. Two years of keeping it together. Two years of asking God to help us move around with this weight.
Two years ago, things got a little hairy for us. We had a delightful little boy and then in the blink of an eye, we didn't. Everything changed.
I remember sitting in the room with the pastor, the chaplain and maybe a nurse or something. It was a helpless and barren feeling. Nothing could be done. There are images etched in my history that will never be erased, but if this becomes the focus of my memories, you may as well dig my grave as well.
Carson was a boy who loved life better than I can. Carson was a boy who smiled so much and for so long that my cheek muscles couldn't keep up. He was a great snuggler and the best hugger. There was no way for him to be any more perfect. This week's blog is a plagiarism, a rerun if you will. Here is the blog that started Dadding As Hard As I Can:
That is insane. Two years of struggle. Two years of grief. Two years of faith. Two years of love. Two years of remembering. Two years of questions. Two years of keeping it together. Two years of asking God to help us move around with this weight.
Two years ago, things got a little hairy for us. We had a delightful little boy and then in the blink of an eye, we didn't. Everything changed.
I remember sitting in the room with the pastor, the chaplain and maybe a nurse or something. It was a helpless and barren feeling. Nothing could be done. There are images etched in my history that will never be erased, but if this becomes the focus of my memories, you may as well dig my grave as well.
Carson was a boy who loved life better than I can. Carson was a boy who smiled so much and for so long that my cheek muscles couldn't keep up. He was a great snuggler and the best hugger. There was no way for him to be any more perfect. This week's blog is a plagiarism, a rerun if you will. Here is the blog that started Dadding As Hard As I Can:
Today was a day of endurance. The worst day of my life. Today, I watched my 4-year old's life slip away as he went to play on Heaven's playground.
It's a strange thing, I was not afraid. I was not in despair, I did not try to hide from the truth of what was happening. I ran to the arms of Jesus and did the only thing I could... I prayed. At the house, I prayed my efforts of CPR would reset my precious baby and that he would come back to me. At the hospital, I prayed for the guidance of the hands of all those trying to save his life. Now I pray for peace, strength, and guidance for the days ahead.
Carson, my 4-year-old, had down's syndrome. This means the through a genetic defect, he was better at loving, happier, smilier and all around far more fun to be with than I am. I must say that this child was a delight. He rarely had a bad day and was always ready for hugs and snuggles. He loved giving kisses and being silly.
Some people will console us by saying that it was his time, that God called him home, that they needed a new angel in heaven and other worn out poorly thought out regurgitated lines of consolation, but it is wrong. I don't know about your God, but mine doesn't take lives to teach a lesson. My God doesn't NEED anything from me, He's God. My God doesn't take, he receives. He received my son today but was no happier to do it than I was to let him go. He is cradling my dear Carson with tears in His eyes as I lay in bed feeling empty. God is not simply a big guy moving the pieces on the board and making sacrifices of this piece and that, He hurts because I hurt. He cries because my pain is His pain.
I know that God is not only standing with us through this but in us. He is in the response of our closest friends as well as the folks who take the time to help out that we barely know. I pray that others can be drawn to Christ through our ordeal.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Grieving Intentionally
Handling the expected. Handling the unexpected. What about the aftermath?
There is so much that goes on when something unexpected happens! I remember maybe 35 minutes of the month after Carson died. Everything seemed to just move around me. I was oil in a tub of water. I could see everything, it was all around me, but I was never all the way part of it.
If you do nothing to end this feeling, it won't go away. In our situation, we have 4 other kids that still need parents. That meant that after our help went home and the crowds of people subsided, we had to be back to real life, or at least take turns. We had to be there for the kids, but we also wanted to make sure that they saw us cope in healthy ways.
This is not an easy thing to do. Everything is strange and you feel like you are in a totally different world. The fact is, your reality has changed. Things are different, maybe not for everyone else, but your perception changes, your reality changes. People talk about finding a new normal and they are not wrong. There is also a large level of guilt that comes along with finding normal. I think this is where we tend to get stuck.
We get stuck in guilt because we felt happy. We get stuck in guilt because we are doing things differently than we would have. For us, going to the park was a huge guilt trigger the first time or two or five. We looked at each other and realized that we would not be able to handle ourselves the same way with Carson as we were without. We cried. It was hard, but this is part of grieving intentionally.
Our strength did not come from us. Our strength comes from a faith in the Lord with a strong foundation. We work hard every day to live a life of gratitude to Him and that includes being thankful for the time we had instead of bitter about the time we didn't. We pray. We pray a lot! I pray a lot. I find myself praying more often than I talk to people some days. I would encourage you that even if you are angry, even if your prayer will be yelling and screaming, do it! God can't wait to hear from you. He created you and He wants to be there for you, you just have to let Him in. God is the source of all of our strength and peace. He is the source of all wisdom and He is the giver of our energy to grieve intentionally.
When I was prepping and training for the Ironman in 2016, I had to push my body to uncomfortable places so that come race day, I was ready to go the whole race. Fatigue, soreness, chafing and any number of other truly gag-worthy things I proudly told my wife about. Going to the park was training for the next thing. Going to a wedding, meeting people in public, or even just sitting at the table. It is impossible to not think about Carson. He is in my head and heart 24 hours a day, but because Julie and I have pushed our emotional boundaries and trained our triggers, we are in a much healthier spot. We can talk about our angel, we can look back at pictures and remember the happiest parts. That is not to say that we are all smiles all the time, we have our moments and our times just like everyone else.
We started small. We went to the store, we walked a different route than usual. I am a creature of habit, so we had to do some major routine changes, but doing things differently made doing them at all a possibility. Eventually, we would head to the park, go on walks, get involved in triathlons, go on play dates and all sorts of "regular stuff". I think in terms of goals and purpose; so what is the purpose of my going to the store today? Groceries and to learn to handle my grief. Be purposeful and say it out loud. Say it to you, to a friend, to God, vocalize it because it helps. You can do it!
If you are stuck, it is time to find your community, find a team mate and take a baby step. go to the store, go to the library, visit a family member that you haven't seen in a while. You can also tell your teammate about your angel. Tell them over and over again, talk about the funny things and the happy things and the sad things and your triggers and say your baby's name!
It does not matter what your unexpected is, you are not the first to go through it and someone is right there with you and for you.
There is so much that goes on when something unexpected happens! I remember maybe 35 minutes of the month after Carson died. Everything seemed to just move around me. I was oil in a tub of water. I could see everything, it was all around me, but I was never all the way part of it.
If you do nothing to end this feeling, it won't go away. In our situation, we have 4 other kids that still need parents. That meant that after our help went home and the crowds of people subsided, we had to be back to real life, or at least take turns. We had to be there for the kids, but we also wanted to make sure that they saw us cope in healthy ways.
This is not an easy thing to do. Everything is strange and you feel like you are in a totally different world. The fact is, your reality has changed. Things are different, maybe not for everyone else, but your perception changes, your reality changes. People talk about finding a new normal and they are not wrong. There is also a large level of guilt that comes along with finding normal. I think this is where we tend to get stuck.
We get stuck in guilt because we felt happy. We get stuck in guilt because we are doing things differently than we would have. For us, going to the park was a huge guilt trigger the first time or two or five. We looked at each other and realized that we would not be able to handle ourselves the same way with Carson as we were without. We cried. It was hard, but this is part of grieving intentionally.
Our strength did not come from us. Our strength comes from a faith in the Lord with a strong foundation. We work hard every day to live a life of gratitude to Him and that includes being thankful for the time we had instead of bitter about the time we didn't. We pray. We pray a lot! I pray a lot. I find myself praying more often than I talk to people some days. I would encourage you that even if you are angry, even if your prayer will be yelling and screaming, do it! God can't wait to hear from you. He created you and He wants to be there for you, you just have to let Him in. God is the source of all of our strength and peace. He is the source of all wisdom and He is the giver of our energy to grieve intentionally.
When I was prepping and training for the Ironman in 2016, I had to push my body to uncomfortable places so that come race day, I was ready to go the whole race. Fatigue, soreness, chafing and any number of other truly gag-worthy things I proudly told my wife about. Going to the park was training for the next thing. Going to a wedding, meeting people in public, or even just sitting at the table. It is impossible to not think about Carson. He is in my head and heart 24 hours a day, but because Julie and I have pushed our emotional boundaries and trained our triggers, we are in a much healthier spot. We can talk about our angel, we can look back at pictures and remember the happiest parts. That is not to say that we are all smiles all the time, we have our moments and our times just like everyone else.
We started small. We went to the store, we walked a different route than usual. I am a creature of habit, so we had to do some major routine changes, but doing things differently made doing them at all a possibility. Eventually, we would head to the park, go on walks, get involved in triathlons, go on play dates and all sorts of "regular stuff". I think in terms of goals and purpose; so what is the purpose of my going to the store today? Groceries and to learn to handle my grief. Be purposeful and say it out loud. Say it to you, to a friend, to God, vocalize it because it helps. You can do it!
If you are stuck, it is time to find your community, find a team mate and take a baby step. go to the store, go to the library, visit a family member that you haven't seen in a while. You can also tell your teammate about your angel. Tell them over and over again, talk about the funny things and the happy things and the sad things and your triggers and say your baby's name!
It does not matter what your unexpected is, you are not the first to go through it and someone is right there with you and for you.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Handling The Unexpected
Handling every day life becomes about planning and routine. You can make a plan and feel like you have your head above water. You can make a budget and see where your money is going. Life doesn't work that way all of the time.
Life isn't all plannable. Things will come up and most of the time, the surprises that affect us the most are not good surprises. This week I want to talk a little about handling hard surprises in life and what that means for me.
I have lost jobs, I have lost pets, friends, grandparents and a child. I have gotten injured. I have had money collected and garnished. Things happen in life and one of the first things that I learned in each event is that trying to go through it alone is a terrible idea. Isolation and saying, "I just need to handle this on my own", is not smart. It is also selfish. I know that seems backwards, but not allowing people to help you is selfish. People want to help and when they help, it will shorten your time of suffering. When that time is shortened, you can get back to being supportive and productive. Having a community of support around you is important.
Often times, we feel as though we have no support and have no community. That would indicate to me that it is time to go find one. Find a support group, go to church, go to the store, library, or any place where people are social enough that it won't be considered outwardly strange to talk to people. The Men's Room between urinals is not a good place to chat with a new friend. (After all, there are unwritten rules that must be respected!) Finding a community, a team is important because there are things that you won't think of, won't be able to do, might have questions, or even just get some feedback. A community is paramount, especially if you feel like you don't "want" one. That is a great time to find one.
Your community has connections. They might have connections for a new job, connections to a good therapist, a high recommendation for a doctor, someone who will help you with a task you have lost the ability to do, or any number of other needs you may not quite know how to fill.
There is a process of Grief, which I believe can happen for any negative surprise. Process, to me, is not quite the right word. Process feels far to linear. Grief is all but linear. There is one part of grief where you lie to yourself and pretend it didn't really happen. This for me was quickly squashed by grabbing breakfast dishes or doing laundry. The morning after Carson passed I had a total melt down when I could not figure out how many plates I needed. My brain knew what 5 - 1 equalled, but I could not fish that number out of my head. It was months before I didn't have to think slowly and deliberately through the number of plates I would need for a given meal. Unexpected circumstances yield unexpected results.
There is more to handling the unexpected, it is so different for everybody, that this could go for days, so hopefully throughout the year we will hit lots of different bits of this.
One thing that happens when you get to an unexpected point, you want to know why and you want to know who to blame. Those can be two of the most incredibly difficult questions to answer, sometimes impossible. In our case, with Carson, we have tried to justify it, come up with a why, but nothing makes sense.
"God is testing you." That is so far from logic that it hurts. Why would my understanding of life and my devotion be worth the price of someone else's life? That is ridiculous.
"It was God's plan." I cannot subscribe to this either. I do not believe that God "plans" super awful things. God plans for me to be determined enough to honor the memory of my son to ask Him to make something good out of this unfortunate event. He didn't plan to take Carson from us like a bully heading over to the little kid basketball game on the playground just to take the ball. Seems unlikely.
Maybe God simply doesn't like me. If that were true, I wouldn't have been made in the first place. God loves all of us more than we can wrap our heads around. If you are in a crap season where everything is a struggle, remember that all good things are from the Lord, not the bad ones.
If anyone tells you "God needed..." you can stop them right there. God doesn't need anything that we can give. He is the provider, the alpha and omega. To insinuate that He "needs something from us implies that we are above Him and that is not true.
When the unexpected happens, God is in your community. God is in your corner pushing you on. God is giving you the strength to stand that day. God is giving you the peace to even talk to people. God is giving you the patience to deal with whatever is coming.
The unexpected is not always good, but you can take steps to make it less awful. Build a community and build a relationship with Christ.
Life isn't all plannable. Things will come up and most of the time, the surprises that affect us the most are not good surprises. This week I want to talk a little about handling hard surprises in life and what that means for me.
I have lost jobs, I have lost pets, friends, grandparents and a child. I have gotten injured. I have had money collected and garnished. Things happen in life and one of the first things that I learned in each event is that trying to go through it alone is a terrible idea. Isolation and saying, "I just need to handle this on my own", is not smart. It is also selfish. I know that seems backwards, but not allowing people to help you is selfish. People want to help and when they help, it will shorten your time of suffering. When that time is shortened, you can get back to being supportive and productive. Having a community of support around you is important.
Often times, we feel as though we have no support and have no community. That would indicate to me that it is time to go find one. Find a support group, go to church, go to the store, library, or any place where people are social enough that it won't be considered outwardly strange to talk to people. The Men's Room between urinals is not a good place to chat with a new friend. (After all, there are unwritten rules that must be respected!) Finding a community, a team is important because there are things that you won't think of, won't be able to do, might have questions, or even just get some feedback. A community is paramount, especially if you feel like you don't "want" one. That is a great time to find one.
Your community has connections. They might have connections for a new job, connections to a good therapist, a high recommendation for a doctor, someone who will help you with a task you have lost the ability to do, or any number of other needs you may not quite know how to fill.
There is a process of Grief, which I believe can happen for any negative surprise. Process, to me, is not quite the right word. Process feels far to linear. Grief is all but linear. There is one part of grief where you lie to yourself and pretend it didn't really happen. This for me was quickly squashed by grabbing breakfast dishes or doing laundry. The morning after Carson passed I had a total melt down when I could not figure out how many plates I needed. My brain knew what 5 - 1 equalled, but I could not fish that number out of my head. It was months before I didn't have to think slowly and deliberately through the number of plates I would need for a given meal. Unexpected circumstances yield unexpected results.
There is more to handling the unexpected, it is so different for everybody, that this could go for days, so hopefully throughout the year we will hit lots of different bits of this.
One thing that happens when you get to an unexpected point, you want to know why and you want to know who to blame. Those can be two of the most incredibly difficult questions to answer, sometimes impossible. In our case, with Carson, we have tried to justify it, come up with a why, but nothing makes sense.
"God is testing you." That is so far from logic that it hurts. Why would my understanding of life and my devotion be worth the price of someone else's life? That is ridiculous.
"It was God's plan." I cannot subscribe to this either. I do not believe that God "plans" super awful things. God plans for me to be determined enough to honor the memory of my son to ask Him to make something good out of this unfortunate event. He didn't plan to take Carson from us like a bully heading over to the little kid basketball game on the playground just to take the ball. Seems unlikely.
Maybe God simply doesn't like me. If that were true, I wouldn't have been made in the first place. God loves all of us more than we can wrap our heads around. If you are in a crap season where everything is a struggle, remember that all good things are from the Lord, not the bad ones.
If anyone tells you "God needed..." you can stop them right there. God doesn't need anything that we can give. He is the provider, the alpha and omega. To insinuate that He "needs something from us implies that we are above Him and that is not true.
When the unexpected happens, God is in your community. God is in your corner pushing you on. God is giving you the strength to stand that day. God is giving you the peace to even talk to people. God is giving you the patience to deal with whatever is coming.
The unexpected is not always good, but you can take steps to make it less awful. Build a community and build a relationship with Christ.
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