The last year has taught me many lessons. One of the most important is that people are there for you. People are not simply there for you when you are sad, when life gets hard or when something big is happening. People are always around and they want to support you. They may not know how, you might push them away or you might think you just "need to do this on my own". I call BS.
Our family has expanded farther than I really was ever open to in the last 18 months or so. I have always been the kind of guy who liked to think that he could "handle it". It never really mattered what "it" was, what mattered is that I took care of business. I was strong, independent and people relied on me, not the other way around. I was a rock, I was a symbol of stability, I was the place that people went when they couldn't figure out where to go. I didn't have a need for an extended family because I did not want to feel like I owed anybody anything. I never wanted to feel indebted to others and that stood in the way of my asking for help. It even stood in the way of being able to build a community of love around my family and myself.
At the core of every human is an innate need for community. Some people are able to repress the need, cover it up, ignore it and live as if it doesn't matter. Some people can live off in the nowheres by themselves and get along just fine. My wife and I are not those people. As much as I can suppress the need for community, as a family and as individuals, we flourish when we are bathed with love in community. As much as I can "handle it" on my own, when the weight is shared and the burden is spread across the shoulders of a group of people who care more about each other than themselves, each day is no longer about survival. The love and support you get from a community is vastly different. This love will take you from daily survival to daily surthrival and pretty soon, you are simply thriving.
I speak to this not only from a grief stand point, but from the aspect of training as well. My family has been my number one support in training and for their sacrifice I will be forever grateful. Training is not simply about a race, it is about remembering, it is about therapy for me and it is about families knowing that they are not alone. My kids and wife are phenomenal. Beyond them, we have been supported in many ways by many people. When Julie went out of town and I still needed to get training done, our community, our village stepped up and helped me out. We live 4 hours away from our own family, so dropping the kids at grandma and grandpa's house isn't an option. The families that have taken our kids have been incredible. The journey that we have undertaken is long, it is arduous, it will be frustrating, it will be rewarding, but most of all it will remind us what we are fighting for. My village fights for me. My village fights for your children. My village remembers too.
We are all headed down different trails, on different journeys, carrying different loads, but we don't have to do it alone. Chances are, there is someone walking next to you on the trail who wants to help, but doesn't know how to ask and doesn't understand what you need. They never will if you don't tell them. Please don't walk alone. Find a village, build a village, whatever you have to do, but don't settle for surviving when you can eventually thrive again.
I want to thank my village one more time, because they deserve it. Whether you have taken the kids, taken my wife, helped with training or food, asked me about training, been my mom, given us food or whatever the case may be, please know that we are extremely grateful. You have not gone unnoticed and we love you. So thank you.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Thursday, March 24, 2016
Maundy Thursday
If you knew that tonight was the last time you would eat supper with someone that you care about, how would you treat that differently?
I am not sure. If I had known that my last night with Carson would be my last night, I am not sure that I would have changed anything. I spent the night trying to keep him comfortable enough to sleep. That means that I was snuggling, being present, an devoting all of my attention to him for about 6 hours. That is unheard of in a house with 5 kids. In a house with 5 kids, one of the challenges is to be present for all of the kids all of the time.
Jesus told his disciples at the last supper that they would always have his presence, always have his attention and always have his love. That translates to us.
When we feel like we can't get the attention of anyone, when we feel isolated, when we feel trapped, when we are absolutely overwhelmed Jesus is present, paying attention and loving us.
Team Crusher is my way of trying to put this into action. My worst days are when I wake up and feel like I am the only one who remembers my son. The goal of Team Crusher is that when families feel that way, they can always know that our athletes are thinking about them and their child every time we train and race. For some of our athletes, that will mean that we think about them once a day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes all day long. The races are fewer and farther between, but training never stops. I usually train anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. I know that our other athletes are not much different. For me, this is the best way that I can show the love of Christ to a population that, quite frankly, can feel angry at, unwanted by, might even hate the idea of Christ. Losing a child is devastating and often times, we can fall into blaming God. I do not believe that it was God's plan for our children to die, I do not believe that God needed them for something in heaven. I do not believe that this is a test. I do not believe that God took them because it was their time. I believe that God is there to receive our children and give them crazy love until we join them. There is still hope, but there is hope because of Jesus. The last supper, communion, reminds us of that. As we eat and drink, we have a tangible connection, a physical reminder of the love and hope that is provided us through Jesus, the son of God.
As Team Crushers attempts to live out this love, I would invite you this Easter season to think about the way that the Lord cares for us and try not to be angry or resentful, but try to say thanks or even visit worship somewhere.
I love you, God loves you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Visit www.teamcrusher.com or find us on Facebook.
Team Crusher
I am not sure. If I had known that my last night with Carson would be my last night, I am not sure that I would have changed anything. I spent the night trying to keep him comfortable enough to sleep. That means that I was snuggling, being present, an devoting all of my attention to him for about 6 hours. That is unheard of in a house with 5 kids. In a house with 5 kids, one of the challenges is to be present for all of the kids all of the time.
Jesus told his disciples at the last supper that they would always have his presence, always have his attention and always have his love. That translates to us.
When we feel like we can't get the attention of anyone, when we feel isolated, when we feel trapped, when we are absolutely overwhelmed Jesus is present, paying attention and loving us.
Team Crusher is my way of trying to put this into action. My worst days are when I wake up and feel like I am the only one who remembers my son. The goal of Team Crusher is that when families feel that way, they can always know that our athletes are thinking about them and their child every time we train and race. For some of our athletes, that will mean that we think about them once a day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes all day long. The races are fewer and farther between, but training never stops. I usually train anywhere from 1-4 hours a day. I know that our other athletes are not much different. For me, this is the best way that I can show the love of Christ to a population that, quite frankly, can feel angry at, unwanted by, might even hate the idea of Christ. Losing a child is devastating and often times, we can fall into blaming God. I do not believe that it was God's plan for our children to die, I do not believe that God needed them for something in heaven. I do not believe that this is a test. I do not believe that God took them because it was their time. I believe that God is there to receive our children and give them crazy love until we join them. There is still hope, but there is hope because of Jesus. The last supper, communion, reminds us of that. As we eat and drink, we have a tangible connection, a physical reminder of the love and hope that is provided us through Jesus, the son of God.
As Team Crushers attempts to live out this love, I would invite you this Easter season to think about the way that the Lord cares for us and try not to be angry or resentful, but try to say thanks or even visit worship somewhere.
I love you, God loves you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Visit www.teamcrusher.com or find us on Facebook.
Team Crusher
Location:W D St,North Platte,United States
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
Enjoying It
The other day, Julie was gone. This meant that Dad was home with 4 kids all by himself. That statement is enough to frighten many people, mostly moms, to their core. We made it to the grocery, we got groceries put away, we played hard, we went roller skating, the kids played at the park with some good friends while Dad got a bike ride in. All in all, it was a great day! I even remembered to feed the kids! Batting a thousand!
I have learned over the last year, that in order to be the kind of parents that your kids want to listen to and respect, you have to enjoy being a parent. Would you rather take your business to someone who loves their job and seems knowledgeable or someone who clearly hates their job and doesn't know much of anything and has terrible customer relation skills? You would probably take your business to the person who loves their job and communicates clearly about how to accomplish the goals that you want to accomplish. The same holds true for parenting. For a while, specifically when I was a beginner parent, I was the most concerned with how my kids acted in public and how respectful and behaved they were. I was just short of being a nun from 1956. That was tiring. It took all of my energy to make sure that I was putting on a show for the rest of the world and the whole time, I was teaching my kids that the only way that I would like them, was if they were quiet and behaving.
Since Carson's passing I have focused much more on quality than creating certain expectations for the kids to live up to to "earn" my love. I think about the way the my Father in Heaven cares for me and treats me. The bible tells me that it doesnt matter what I do, I cannot "earn" grace and love. If I can't earn His, why would anyone have to earn mine. Love is a gift, not something you get once you have played enough games and earned enough tickets. You cannot not go to the prize corner and spend your skiball tickets on love. So often that is what I was making my kids do. I was treating them as though once they played the game my way, I would then dote on them a little.
So here is where the perspective change happens. Instead of getting easily bent out of shape over little things that don't mean much, I have looked for the joy in each moment. At the grocery store with 4 kids, you can find lots to laugh about. Being a dad, people think that I don't have a clue anyway, so we may as well enjoy ourselves. When the kids do something ridiculous, the easy route is to snap or even yell at them, but the easy route is not always the most fruitful route. Chatting with some dads just this morning, we started talking about shoes and the fact that kids can never keep track of them, even when they are wearing them! One dad had a daughter leave a shoe at the playground, it was not until they were home and a friend swung by to see if it was theirs that they even noticed. WHAAAAT? That is super funny, or you could try to yell at a toddler to be more responsible, but which of these reactions will bear more fruit? Another dad had his son fling a shoe out the window of the car on the way down the highway! Super funny! Again, not worth yelling and getting too bent out of shape. These are moments to enjoy, they are times that you get to choose how you are going to react and how fruitful your reaction will be. You have to enjoy parenting.
Take a couple days this week and practice enjoying parenting. Practice letting loose a little bit and realizing that kids are kids and you can choose the way that you react to them. Instead of making you and your kids miserable, enjoy it. Find the little victories, laugh when you have to explain to your boys that "No, your penis won't fall off if you pull too hard". Think about when your kids are older and you are just old, what stories are they going to tell? Are they going to talk about their dad, the guy who hated his job as a parent and wasn't much fun or will they be exchanging hilarious stories of the time that Dad was singing and dancing in the aisles of Walmart because some crappy tune from the 90's came on the muzak? Your kids will need to be reminded of rules from time to time, but make it swift and get over it quick. No sense in holding a grudge, you are stuck with them your whole life.
Just a quick training update, swimming has been going great, I joined a Tri-masters swim class and it is paying off huge! I have already cut about 20 seconds off of my 100 times and swam my first sub 10 minute 500! I have been riding like mad through the nice weather, in fact, the kids and I rode our 1000th training mile since October this last week. What a gift! And finally, in the running department, we ran 2 5ks for time the last two weeks and both were under 30 minutes! 28:12 and 28:17. This is incredible for a guy whose average time before this was CO:UCH. What an incredible blessing Team Crusher has been for me. Your kids are pushing me to lengths that I never thought were even possible. So like usual, I am sorry that you are part of the team, but thanks for being part of the team.
Jesus loves you and I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.
www.teamcrusher.com
I have learned over the last year, that in order to be the kind of parents that your kids want to listen to and respect, you have to enjoy being a parent. Would you rather take your business to someone who loves their job and seems knowledgeable or someone who clearly hates their job and doesn't know much of anything and has terrible customer relation skills? You would probably take your business to the person who loves their job and communicates clearly about how to accomplish the goals that you want to accomplish. The same holds true for parenting. For a while, specifically when I was a beginner parent, I was the most concerned with how my kids acted in public and how respectful and behaved they were. I was just short of being a nun from 1956. That was tiring. It took all of my energy to make sure that I was putting on a show for the rest of the world and the whole time, I was teaching my kids that the only way that I would like them, was if they were quiet and behaving.
Since Carson's passing I have focused much more on quality than creating certain expectations for the kids to live up to to "earn" my love. I think about the way the my Father in Heaven cares for me and treats me. The bible tells me that it doesnt matter what I do, I cannot "earn" grace and love. If I can't earn His, why would anyone have to earn mine. Love is a gift, not something you get once you have played enough games and earned enough tickets. You cannot not go to the prize corner and spend your skiball tickets on love. So often that is what I was making my kids do. I was treating them as though once they played the game my way, I would then dote on them a little.
So here is where the perspective change happens. Instead of getting easily bent out of shape over little things that don't mean much, I have looked for the joy in each moment. At the grocery store with 4 kids, you can find lots to laugh about. Being a dad, people think that I don't have a clue anyway, so we may as well enjoy ourselves. When the kids do something ridiculous, the easy route is to snap or even yell at them, but the easy route is not always the most fruitful route. Chatting with some dads just this morning, we started talking about shoes and the fact that kids can never keep track of them, even when they are wearing them! One dad had a daughter leave a shoe at the playground, it was not until they were home and a friend swung by to see if it was theirs that they even noticed. WHAAAAT? That is super funny, or you could try to yell at a toddler to be more responsible, but which of these reactions will bear more fruit? Another dad had his son fling a shoe out the window of the car on the way down the highway! Super funny! Again, not worth yelling and getting too bent out of shape. These are moments to enjoy, they are times that you get to choose how you are going to react and how fruitful your reaction will be. You have to enjoy parenting.
Take a couple days this week and practice enjoying parenting. Practice letting loose a little bit and realizing that kids are kids and you can choose the way that you react to them. Instead of making you and your kids miserable, enjoy it. Find the little victories, laugh when you have to explain to your boys that "No, your penis won't fall off if you pull too hard". Think about when your kids are older and you are just old, what stories are they going to tell? Are they going to talk about their dad, the guy who hated his job as a parent and wasn't much fun or will they be exchanging hilarious stories of the time that Dad was singing and dancing in the aisles of Walmart because some crappy tune from the 90's came on the muzak? Your kids will need to be reminded of rules from time to time, but make it swift and get over it quick. No sense in holding a grudge, you are stuck with them your whole life.
Just a quick training update, swimming has been going great, I joined a Tri-masters swim class and it is paying off huge! I have already cut about 20 seconds off of my 100 times and swam my first sub 10 minute 500! I have been riding like mad through the nice weather, in fact, the kids and I rode our 1000th training mile since October this last week. What a gift! And finally, in the running department, we ran 2 5ks for time the last two weeks and both were under 30 minutes! 28:12 and 28:17. This is incredible for a guy whose average time before this was CO:UCH. What an incredible blessing Team Crusher has been for me. Your kids are pushing me to lengths that I never thought were even possible. So like usual, I am sorry that you are part of the team, but thanks for being part of the team.
Jesus loves you and I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.
www.teamcrusher.com
Saturday, February 6, 2016
On Approach
We are coming up on our first year angelversary. It is surreal that it has even been that long. There have been lots of things that happened this last 12 months: first day of kindergarten for an older brother, starting 4th grade, Mom got a job, and we are racing An Ironman Triathlon, we got a puppy, I shaved my beard, the first of every holiday with only 6 present.
I have learned some stuffs. I have learned to enjoy being a parent. I have learned that there is a good chance that if I am more focused on how my kids act than who they are becoming, not only will they eventually rebel, but I will regret that I missed so much while I was busy hollering at them. I have learned to be more patient and look for what can be taught and learned in each situation that I am presented with. I want my kids to grow up with an appreciation and respect for each of the other, so I am trying to set an example of that every day. I want them to know that the death of their brother was not an end, but a beginning. The beginning of a life where they can live for God and their brother and show others the kind of love that they receive. I have learned that every moment has value and you should hold them close. I spent the night before Carson's death snuggling on the couch thinking more about how I wished he would go to sleep and then I could too. I still treasure the time, but I would like to have changed my attitude.
Finally, I learned that your attitude, your outlook, your demeanor is everything. Each morning you have to wake up and take charge of you and run your day. Each day we find a way to pull through and make the day look graceful. Some days are far easier to take charge of, but we can only do our best.
Keep pushing forward and keep choosing to make today a good day.
John Butler
Team Crusher
Www.teamcrusher.com
Team Crusher
I have learned some stuffs. I have learned to enjoy being a parent. I have learned that there is a good chance that if I am more focused on how my kids act than who they are becoming, not only will they eventually rebel, but I will regret that I missed so much while I was busy hollering at them. I have learned to be more patient and look for what can be taught and learned in each situation that I am presented with. I want my kids to grow up with an appreciation and respect for each of the other, so I am trying to set an example of that every day. I want them to know that the death of their brother was not an end, but a beginning. The beginning of a life where they can live for God and their brother and show others the kind of love that they receive. I have learned that every moment has value and you should hold them close. I spent the night before Carson's death snuggling on the couch thinking more about how I wished he would go to sleep and then I could too. I still treasure the time, but I would like to have changed my attitude.
Finally, I learned that your attitude, your outlook, your demeanor is everything. Each morning you have to wake up and take charge of you and run your day. Each day we find a way to pull through and make the day look graceful. Some days are far easier to take charge of, but we can only do our best.
Keep pushing forward and keep choosing to make today a good day.
John Butler
Team Crusher
Www.teamcrusher.com
Team Crusher
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
I Don't Dance Well
We get it. I am training. Running to remember and representing our kids. AND... and what?
AND I am learning tons about myself, my grief and how it is affecting me. Consistency is my focus right now. Training for the Ironman is more about consistency and smart training than it is about training volume or even pushing really hard all of the time. I am at a point in my training where I am preparing my body, conditioning my body to train for an Ironman. To even have a chance at qualifying for Kona, the world championships, I will need to train for a few more years. Those years will not be spent punishing myself every day, they will be spent training consistently. They will be spent teaching my muscles what I need them to do, every day. Sometimes people ask me how far I usually run or ride my bike, and at this point in training, that doesn't matter. At this point, I am teaching my body that it is alright to run for an hour or two hours straight, teaching my heart how to get blood to my muscles for that long and not explode. Teaching my muscles how to use the capillaries and oxygen better. My body is not yet at a point where I can punish it and not pay dearly for it the following week.
I am also learning these same lessons about dealing with my grief. I am learning that the facts are not changing and my pain isn't going to go away. There is no way around the fact that I lost my son. That does not mean that I can't take consistent baby steps to learn how to cope and learn how to move with my grief. At first, this all seemed like one big obstacle to overcome, to conquer. That could not be farther from the truth. There is nothing about grief to get over. If you try, you will wear yourself down, you will hurt yourself and you will feel dejected when you fail to "get over it". The failure will feed into your sadness and into your pain and will exacerbate your grief. Nobody wants that.
Grief is something that you will live with, whether you want to or not. Some days, grief will lead you where it wants you to go, down dark holes and into cold places. Some days, you will claim your soul back and have days full of light, joy and even peace. There is a dance that happens. As life plays, you and grief will be dancing away, getting lost in whatever music you have on repeat. You will ebb and flow, sweep the dance floor and embrace tightly as you spin to the rhythm. How do you keep grief from leading? how do you keep grief from taking over? You consistently choose to dance to a song that makes you strong. Find some moves that you can do when grief starts to take over. Maybe you look at old pictures, maybe you read the bible and ask God to remind you that it isn't His fault, or maybe you simply cry for a while. Find something that lets you regain the lead. It may not be right away, but something that gives you control again, something that you can do consistently.
The day we lost Carson, I was lost. The day we lost Carson I had no more direction, but I knew that I had somewhere to go. I went to God. I prayed. I played songs of praise and cried through them. The hardest thing to figure out is that it is not God's "fault". He loves us and your child did not die as a test of your faith, or any other stupid garbage that people will try to spoon feed you when you are sad. God is here holding you and crying with you. He wants nothing more than to reunite your soul with your child's. That is why Jesus came, Jesus came so that you will one day be able to hold your child again. He didn't come so that God could smite you and say, "Now prove to me how faithful you are." That is ridiculous. Let Him care for you.
Eventually, you may be able to lead your dance more often than grief does. God will help. When you are at a point that you lead more often, you can start to find pieces of yourself again. They might look brand new, they might look totally different and foreign to you, but they are your pieces, pick them up. February 12, 2015 I did not run, bike or swim. In April when I was able to find my pieces, they weren't the same. I had a new drive and passion that I hadn't EVER had before. New Pieces, totally foreign, different. When you are able to get to a point of new passion, you find that you may be able to open countless new opportunities to lead the dance. Grief is still a part of my every day, but I am able to dance and move more smooth with it.
Being a big clumsy white dude, I don't dance well. I can openly admit that. Grief is one thing that I have been able to dance with. There is nothing more difficult than to learn this dance. By no means am I a master of the dance, but I am learning. I am learning that consistency is by far the most important factor. The more often we practice doing something, the more often we are able to do it effectively. The more consistent we are while dealing with our grief, the more effectively we will be able to deal with our grief. Our dance will change, there will be days where we flow just right and days where we can't get it. Some days grief will lead, some days we will. The only thing that I know for certain is that it isn't going to go away... ever.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you consistently put down the next foot, you will make progress. First step is to know that God loves you and he is not testing you or punishing you. Forgive Him and forgive you.
AND I am learning tons about myself, my grief and how it is affecting me. Consistency is my focus right now. Training for the Ironman is more about consistency and smart training than it is about training volume or even pushing really hard all of the time. I am at a point in my training where I am preparing my body, conditioning my body to train for an Ironman. To even have a chance at qualifying for Kona, the world championships, I will need to train for a few more years. Those years will not be spent punishing myself every day, they will be spent training consistently. They will be spent teaching my muscles what I need them to do, every day. Sometimes people ask me how far I usually run or ride my bike, and at this point in training, that doesn't matter. At this point, I am teaching my body that it is alright to run for an hour or two hours straight, teaching my heart how to get blood to my muscles for that long and not explode. Teaching my muscles how to use the capillaries and oxygen better. My body is not yet at a point where I can punish it and not pay dearly for it the following week.
I am also learning these same lessons about dealing with my grief. I am learning that the facts are not changing and my pain isn't going to go away. There is no way around the fact that I lost my son. That does not mean that I can't take consistent baby steps to learn how to cope and learn how to move with my grief. At first, this all seemed like one big obstacle to overcome, to conquer. That could not be farther from the truth. There is nothing about grief to get over. If you try, you will wear yourself down, you will hurt yourself and you will feel dejected when you fail to "get over it". The failure will feed into your sadness and into your pain and will exacerbate your grief. Nobody wants that.
Grief is something that you will live with, whether you want to or not. Some days, grief will lead you where it wants you to go, down dark holes and into cold places. Some days, you will claim your soul back and have days full of light, joy and even peace. There is a dance that happens. As life plays, you and grief will be dancing away, getting lost in whatever music you have on repeat. You will ebb and flow, sweep the dance floor and embrace tightly as you spin to the rhythm. How do you keep grief from leading? how do you keep grief from taking over? You consistently choose to dance to a song that makes you strong. Find some moves that you can do when grief starts to take over. Maybe you look at old pictures, maybe you read the bible and ask God to remind you that it isn't His fault, or maybe you simply cry for a while. Find something that lets you regain the lead. It may not be right away, but something that gives you control again, something that you can do consistently.
The day we lost Carson, I was lost. The day we lost Carson I had no more direction, but I knew that I had somewhere to go. I went to God. I prayed. I played songs of praise and cried through them. The hardest thing to figure out is that it is not God's "fault". He loves us and your child did not die as a test of your faith, or any other stupid garbage that people will try to spoon feed you when you are sad. God is here holding you and crying with you. He wants nothing more than to reunite your soul with your child's. That is why Jesus came, Jesus came so that you will one day be able to hold your child again. He didn't come so that God could smite you and say, "Now prove to me how faithful you are." That is ridiculous. Let Him care for you.
Eventually, you may be able to lead your dance more often than grief does. God will help. When you are at a point that you lead more often, you can start to find pieces of yourself again. They might look brand new, they might look totally different and foreign to you, but they are your pieces, pick them up. February 12, 2015 I did not run, bike or swim. In April when I was able to find my pieces, they weren't the same. I had a new drive and passion that I hadn't EVER had before. New Pieces, totally foreign, different. When you are able to get to a point of new passion, you find that you may be able to open countless new opportunities to lead the dance. Grief is still a part of my every day, but I am able to dance and move more smooth with it.
Being a big clumsy white dude, I don't dance well. I can openly admit that. Grief is one thing that I have been able to dance with. There is nothing more difficult than to learn this dance. By no means am I a master of the dance, but I am learning. I am learning that consistency is by far the most important factor. The more often we practice doing something, the more often we are able to do it effectively. The more consistent we are while dealing with our grief, the more effectively we will be able to deal with our grief. Our dance will change, there will be days where we flow just right and days where we can't get it. Some days grief will lead, some days we will. The only thing that I know for certain is that it isn't going to go away... ever.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you consistently put down the next foot, you will make progress. First step is to know that God loves you and he is not testing you or punishing you. Forgive Him and forgive you.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Grief Will Change You
I have changed. Things are different. I don't look the same. I don't act the same. I don't feel the same. My clothes fit different. I've lost weight. I don't talk the same. I don't have the same drive.
Look what this grief is doing to me.
Carson's life was a gift. It was a gift that I shall not take for granted. In four short years, I learned about patience, love, happiness, patience, family, fatherhood and patience than I had in any amount of years prior. Kids are only kids for a while, then they become teenagers and they only do that once (thank heavens) and before you know it, they are adults. It's funny to me how I spent so many years being in the same place as my family and not really being with them. Sounds strange, but I am willing to bet that you know the feeling. I was in the same place, I occupied the same area and breathed the same air, but I wasn't totally present. These were years that I will never get back. I held being at work in a higher, much higher priority than being present for my family. I have learned.
We moved to North Platte and I was already working on improving the being present situation. I practiced a deal where I would put my phone down in funny places on purpose so that I would forget where it was. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Since I was at a new place of employment, I set clear boundaries of home time and work time. I have tried very hard not to mix the two and I believe it has worked for the most part. These have all been baby steps. Baby steps to get my family to a place where not only did they know me, but I got to know them. I got to be present for them and be a real father. Making that change was and still is my priority.
Since Carson's passing, I have started a new project, Team Crusher. Getting ready to run an Ironman Triathlon in August of 2016. The race is the exciting part, but not the real part. The race is the culmination. It will be a long day of grueling activity, sure. Outsiders will see it as the accomplishment, but the race is gravy. I am not waiting until race day to remember the kids on Team Crusher. They deserve more than that. Since my commitment to the race a few months ago, I have basically been training 2 sessions a day 6 days a week. This is all time that I remember my kids. This is all time that I pray for our families. The time and work that is put into a race is the real deal. People don't simply show up on race day ready to go. Since October 25, I have trained for 105 hours, I have swam 31,360 yards, ridden my bike 606 miles and run 150 miles. This might be small potatoes to some athletes out there, but that is 105 hours that the Team Crusher kids have carried my fat butt.
In April of 2015, I was a grieving couch potato. I have changed. Things are different. I don't look the same. I don't act the same. I don't feel the same. My clothes fit different. I've lost weight. I don't talk the same. I don't have the same drive.
Loss does not have to be your end. Grief does not have to win. Find something that you can live for and do it. Do something in memory of your loved one.
www.teamcrusher.com
www.facebook.com/teamcarsoncrusher
Look what this grief is doing to me.
Carson's life was a gift. It was a gift that I shall not take for granted. In four short years, I learned about patience, love, happiness, patience, family, fatherhood and patience than I had in any amount of years prior. Kids are only kids for a while, then they become teenagers and they only do that once (thank heavens) and before you know it, they are adults. It's funny to me how I spent so many years being in the same place as my family and not really being with them. Sounds strange, but I am willing to bet that you know the feeling. I was in the same place, I occupied the same area and breathed the same air, but I wasn't totally present. These were years that I will never get back. I held being at work in a higher, much higher priority than being present for my family. I have learned.
We moved to North Platte and I was already working on improving the being present situation. I practiced a deal where I would put my phone down in funny places on purpose so that I would forget where it was. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Since I was at a new place of employment, I set clear boundaries of home time and work time. I have tried very hard not to mix the two and I believe it has worked for the most part. These have all been baby steps. Baby steps to get my family to a place where not only did they know me, but I got to know them. I got to be present for them and be a real father. Making that change was and still is my priority.
Since Carson's passing, I have started a new project, Team Crusher. Getting ready to run an Ironman Triathlon in August of 2016. The race is the exciting part, but not the real part. The race is the culmination. It will be a long day of grueling activity, sure. Outsiders will see it as the accomplishment, but the race is gravy. I am not waiting until race day to remember the kids on Team Crusher. They deserve more than that. Since my commitment to the race a few months ago, I have basically been training 2 sessions a day 6 days a week. This is all time that I remember my kids. This is all time that I pray for our families. The time and work that is put into a race is the real deal. People don't simply show up on race day ready to go. Since October 25, I have trained for 105 hours, I have swam 31,360 yards, ridden my bike 606 miles and run 150 miles. This might be small potatoes to some athletes out there, but that is 105 hours that the Team Crusher kids have carried my fat butt.
In April of 2015, I was a grieving couch potato. I have changed. Things are different. I don't look the same. I don't act the same. I don't feel the same. My clothes fit different. I've lost weight. I don't talk the same. I don't have the same drive.
Loss does not have to be your end. Grief does not have to win. Find something that you can live for and do it. Do something in memory of your loved one.
www.teamcrusher.com
www.facebook.com/teamcarsoncrusher
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Find Your Why
A new year. A new year is beginning and I am not sure what that means. It is supposed to be a time when you make a decision to start something new, make a commitment to change a part of your life that you are not content with, but sometimes it doesn't work like that. Sometimes, the part of your life that keeps you from being content is something that will not change no matter what you do. It is something that you carry with you every day, every hour, every minute. For me, the thing is Carson. The thing that defined my 2015 is the loss of my son. Let me say this more specifically, it does not define ME, it defines my 2015.
The definition written by loss is one of grief, drive, motivation and desire. Every morning, I wake up and see his face. I have to remember to thank God that I got to spend 4 wonderful years with Carson. All good things, all blessings come from the Lord. Never forget that. After I thank God for the time I had with Carson and the time I still have with the rest of my children, It is decision time. It is time to make the decision to have a good day, make a decision to let my grief win or to channel the grief into something productive. Each day I choose to take my grief and us it as a motivator to reach a goal that I have set for myself.
My goal is to run the Boulder Ironman Triathlon in 2016. This is a big goal, lofty if you will. I know I can accomplish it. I know I can, not because I am in good shape (bahahahahahahahahahahahahah) but because I have a "why" that just won't quit. I am not racing for me. I am not racing to prove to myself that I can, I am not racing to prove to someone else that I can or to lose weight or to help advertise my awesomeness. I am racing to bring attention to the memory of Carson and the rest of the kids who are on Team Crusher. My "why" goes beyond me.
You are going to have to find a "why". If you have lost someone, a child, parent, spouse or friend, maybe you are struggling with depression about something else. Without a "why" you are not going to get very far. MINE is to remember my son. That doesn't have to be yours, but without a "why" nothing will get accomplished. Your "why" is like friction. Yeah, friction, happens when two things rub against each other. Sometimes friction hurts, sometimes friction isn't comfortable, sometimes friction takes all of your energy and leaves you tired and drained. The funny thing about friction though is that without it, walking wouldn't happen, cars wouldn't drive, no progress would be made and you wouldn't be able to stop to protect yourself from running in to something.
My "why", my grief, my friction is what propels me forward through life and into 2016. Very soon, there will have been 12 months that separates us from the day we lost our son. It will hurt no less, it will feel no better, I will not have gotten over it, and I will still not believe that this was all part of God's plan. I will also not let my grief crush me, I will not let the pain win. I will harness the grief, I will let it drive me to push myself. I will use it to remember.
God loves you, I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.
The definition written by loss is one of grief, drive, motivation and desire. Every morning, I wake up and see his face. I have to remember to thank God that I got to spend 4 wonderful years with Carson. All good things, all blessings come from the Lord. Never forget that. After I thank God for the time I had with Carson and the time I still have with the rest of my children, It is decision time. It is time to make the decision to have a good day, make a decision to let my grief win or to channel the grief into something productive. Each day I choose to take my grief and us it as a motivator to reach a goal that I have set for myself.
My goal is to run the Boulder Ironman Triathlon in 2016. This is a big goal, lofty if you will. I know I can accomplish it. I know I can, not because I am in good shape (bahahahahahahahahahahahahah) but because I have a "why" that just won't quit. I am not racing for me. I am not racing to prove to myself that I can, I am not racing to prove to someone else that I can or to lose weight or to help advertise my awesomeness. I am racing to bring attention to the memory of Carson and the rest of the kids who are on Team Crusher. My "why" goes beyond me.
You are going to have to find a "why". If you have lost someone, a child, parent, spouse or friend, maybe you are struggling with depression about something else. Without a "why" you are not going to get very far. MINE is to remember my son. That doesn't have to be yours, but without a "why" nothing will get accomplished. Your "why" is like friction. Yeah, friction, happens when two things rub against each other. Sometimes friction hurts, sometimes friction isn't comfortable, sometimes friction takes all of your energy and leaves you tired and drained. The funny thing about friction though is that without it, walking wouldn't happen, cars wouldn't drive, no progress would be made and you wouldn't be able to stop to protect yourself from running in to something.
My "why", my grief, my friction is what propels me forward through life and into 2016. Very soon, there will have been 12 months that separates us from the day we lost our son. It will hurt no less, it will feel no better, I will not have gotten over it, and I will still not believe that this was all part of God's plan. I will also not let my grief crush me, I will not let the pain win. I will harness the grief, I will let it drive me to push myself. I will use it to remember.
God loves you, I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)