Life is hard. Life is crazy. Life is unpredictable.
Sometimes handling life is simply survival and other times, you feel like you are kind of on top of it. I find that with my children still being fairly young, even when I go on vacation, I come back more tired than when I left. Life has no vacation. Life is always happening no matter where we are. At work? Life happens. At home? Life happens. At school? Life happens. In Cincinnati? Life will still happen. There is no place we can hide and no way to convince it to wait a minute. It takes practice, but you can feel more often like you are handling life rather than being handled.
Regular everyday, mundane life is something that we forget to cherish. We forget that pouring over budget numbers for the coming month means that we have an income that is probably greater than most of the rest of the world. When you look through your calendar and realize that there is no you time for the next three days means you probably have a job and a busy family and there are many folks who can only dream about that. This is the kind of life that we can prepare for, the expected, the ordinary.
You can build a solid budget so you don't have to be one of the way too many who spent more than they brought in last year. Building a budget is not rocket science. Take how much money you make in a month and subtract your expenses. If your number is less than zero, you have a problem. Figure out what you don't need to buy that month until you can get to zero. Boom! Budget! I also would suggest finding a Financial Peace University Class near you. It is an incredible program that will turn your money life right side up. Google it. Find it. Change yourself.
I have on my phone, a calendar. I have it tied to my Google Calendar. Anything I put there goes to my phone. It let's me know 30 minutes early that an event is starting. I don't have to miss out on any more important meetings, birthdays, events, happenings, box socials, or anything else. Calendars are a phenomenal thing where you can take the predictable, ordinary, and expected parts of your life and be prepared for them.
You can also set goals. Goals are specific things you want to accomplish in a concrete amount of time. You can put that on the Calendar too! I have family goals, relationship goals with my wife, triathlon goals, financial goals, social goals, work goals and probably more goals. If they were not some where easy to find, I wouldn't keep up, so I put them on the calendar. Goals are an easy way to keep yourself on track. You can see, very literally, all of the baby steps and you can watch your hard work pay off. Sometimes though, goals have to be altered, calendars need changing and budgets need an overhaul. Sometimes life is unpredictable.
Life is known for throwing curve balls. Just when you feel like you have a handle on things, the handle breaks. Just when you feel like you are getting on your financial feet, your car breaks down. Just when you feel like you are emotionally a little more stable, trigger. Just when you feel like things are looking up, crash.
Life is not predictable, no calendar will get you ready for the unthinkable. Carson was not lost on a schedule. I didn't have it penciled in. I wasn't prepared and I sure wasn't ready. There are about 3 weeks of my life that I can only remember bits and pieces of because things were crazy and life was too real. Death isn't the only curve ball. Laid off, fired, cancer, illness, injury, car accident, there are a million different ways for life to surprise us and it seems like we dread the negatives more than we want to wait for a positive. Negatives impact us in a major way and there is no real way around it. If we don't get any major positive unexpecteds, our life simply trucks on at status quo.
The only way we have to prepare for these is by building a relationship with Jesus Christ. Some of you don't want to hear it and some of you feel like you have been burned before, but I am for real. Getting your spiritual life in order will do greater things for you than any other change you could possibly make. Just like any other change though, it will take practice. I would invite you to start with a gratitude journal. Take 5 minutes each day and simply write about 5 things you are thankful for and where they came from. This is a great place to start.
See you next week, until then, pray like it depends on GOD and work like it depends on YOU.
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Saturday, January 14, 2017
Gratitude, Intentionality and Role Models
My children are constant reminders to me that no matter what I am doing, no matter where I am, someone is watching. Some are watching and looking up to us and some are watching to look down. Either way, we are all setting examples all the time. The past couple weeks, I have really focused on me. Not the selfish Ironman training way, but the becoming a better person way.
On this journey to a new way of being, I have been intentional about what I am doing. I have tried to be intentional about my use of time and about being grateful. For example, at work, whatever project I am working on, I have blocked out a set amount of time and have only worked on that project during that time. I try not to let my mind wander, but focus entirely on the task at hand. I have been able to get more done faster! I do the same things at home, but with family, I try to block out everything that isn't them. I try to ignore my phone, be engaged, be present and be patient. My thoughts don't center around everything else I have to do, I know that the time for that will come. Being planned out and intentional has freed me up so much, I get to spend some time blogging!
I know that I am going to be an example on the good days and the kids will learn how I handle good days. I will be a role model on bad days as well and the kids will learn how I react when things aren't going well. I want my family to know that it is ok to be excited, it is ok to feel happy, it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry or hurt, but flying off the handle rarely gets anything done and rarely resolves a situation. So I try to model an almost stoic being. I look up to people who have an air of patience and stoicism about them. When they respond to situations it is with patience and a calculated thoughtfulness. I feel like they are wise and I want my kids to view me as wise, so I try to model that for them the best I can.
Chances are when my kids are doing ridiculous things that I don't like, they probably learned it from me or my wife. When my boys think they are being funny and then take it too far, that is my teaching by far! When the kids accidentally say a swear word, chances are it was their mother who taught them that. (wink) But good or bad, they learned it somewhere and it was probably us!
I talk a lot about my kids, but that is not the only people you are an example for. When you run into people who know your story, many times you will hear, "I can't believe how good they are doing" or "yeah, life is really hard for them, I can't imagine". These are things that people say when they are looking to you as an example. You can be someone's hope or you can be someone's bleak outlook.
I strive to be a grateful example. I choose to live in gratitude. I choose to say thank you for everything. I choose to find joy despite things not going my way sometimes. I choose to have good days, even on bad days. I choose to live as if I am always doing ok. I assure you that I am not always doing ok. I have found that intentionally being grateful has a profound impact on the way I act and things I do. I went on a complaining fast. Every time I started to complain, I had to state 5 things I was thankful for. I started with just a week, but after that, I just kept cruising! It felt so much better to not be complaining!
There are certain emotions that accompany complaining. Those emotions are quickly shut out when you jump straight into gratitude. It is hard to be crabby and sarcastic and gross when you are saying thanks for at least 5 things. Emotions and venting have a time and place, and part of the battle that we face every day is knowing when and where that needs to and is safe to happen. Setting an example is something that you are going to do no matter what. It is up to you what kind of example you set. you can set an example that allows people to look down or you can set an example that people look up to. You can be someone that people respect.
I choose to be a good example, a gracious example, a respectful example and a positive example.
Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you.
On this journey to a new way of being, I have been intentional about what I am doing. I have tried to be intentional about my use of time and about being grateful. For example, at work, whatever project I am working on, I have blocked out a set amount of time and have only worked on that project during that time. I try not to let my mind wander, but focus entirely on the task at hand. I have been able to get more done faster! I do the same things at home, but with family, I try to block out everything that isn't them. I try to ignore my phone, be engaged, be present and be patient. My thoughts don't center around everything else I have to do, I know that the time for that will come. Being planned out and intentional has freed me up so much, I get to spend some time blogging!
I know that I am going to be an example on the good days and the kids will learn how I handle good days. I will be a role model on bad days as well and the kids will learn how I react when things aren't going well. I want my family to know that it is ok to be excited, it is ok to feel happy, it is ok to feel sad, to feel angry or hurt, but flying off the handle rarely gets anything done and rarely resolves a situation. So I try to model an almost stoic being. I look up to people who have an air of patience and stoicism about them. When they respond to situations it is with patience and a calculated thoughtfulness. I feel like they are wise and I want my kids to view me as wise, so I try to model that for them the best I can.
Chances are when my kids are doing ridiculous things that I don't like, they probably learned it from me or my wife. When my boys think they are being funny and then take it too far, that is my teaching by far! When the kids accidentally say a swear word, chances are it was their mother who taught them that. (wink) But good or bad, they learned it somewhere and it was probably us!
I talk a lot about my kids, but that is not the only people you are an example for. When you run into people who know your story, many times you will hear, "I can't believe how good they are doing" or "yeah, life is really hard for them, I can't imagine". These are things that people say when they are looking to you as an example. You can be someone's hope or you can be someone's bleak outlook.
I strive to be a grateful example. I choose to live in gratitude. I choose to say thank you for everything. I choose to find joy despite things not going my way sometimes. I choose to have good days, even on bad days. I choose to live as if I am always doing ok. I assure you that I am not always doing ok. I have found that intentionally being grateful has a profound impact on the way I act and things I do. I went on a complaining fast. Every time I started to complain, I had to state 5 things I was thankful for. I started with just a week, but after that, I just kept cruising! It felt so much better to not be complaining!
There are certain emotions that accompany complaining. Those emotions are quickly shut out when you jump straight into gratitude. It is hard to be crabby and sarcastic and gross when you are saying thanks for at least 5 things. Emotions and venting have a time and place, and part of the battle that we face every day is knowing when and where that needs to and is safe to happen. Setting an example is something that you are going to do no matter what. It is up to you what kind of example you set. you can set an example that allows people to look down or you can set an example that people look up to. You can be someone that people respect.
I choose to be a good example, a gracious example, a respectful example and a positive example.
Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
Panic in the Club and Christmas
Christmas was here.
We have a deal made with my family. We go see them on Thanksgiving and everyone comes to our house for Christmas. It is busy and chaotic and fun and everything.
Let me go back to the week before Christmas. On Sunday night, our oldest was sick. He had a stomach ache and a mild fever. That is not usually an issue for me, but he was up moaning and groaning about every 35 minutes or so. His mother dealt with him the first time, but then she fell asleep and it became my job. Again, not a big deal, I am a father, but I am a father who can handle whatever I need to handle.
So, I fed him some tums and sent him back to bed. As he lay in bed, I stood there watching. He was doing a little bit of writhing and a lot more moaning and groaning. He very suddenly went silent. In my head, this was a good thing, but in my heart, I could not get past a feeling of panic. When it stopped so abruptly, I began to jump to nasty conclusions about why he had stopped making noise. It took every part of me to not shake him to make sure he would wake up. I stopped and listened to him breathe. His chest still rising and falling, in and out, inhale and exhale. Sounds and motions that only alive humans make. Praise God.
This is a panic that is reserved for members of the club. One of the perks of membership I suppose. A feeling of overwhelming panic when things are not even crazy at all. Great. No doubt you will understand.
Christmas came! This year I noticed that Jesus is represented more than people realize or would probably care to admit. Every wreath, every light, every goofy blow-up Santa, it is all a reminder of Jesus and the hope that He brings. I stopped to think if everyone was thinking about a Christ child when they were putting up their lights, hanging their stockings, and baking unbelievable goodies. I don't think that was on everyone's minds, but it all sent me straight back to the Son.
Every Christmas decoration, song, movie and whatever else, made the message of hope clearer. Jesus is not leaving us anytime soon and He is walking with us and caring for us in ways we can't even comprehend. When we let Him, Jesus is an amazing leader and shepherd.
How Do You New Year?
I want to talk a little this week about how I did the new year, and how I rang it in.
So this year, I wanted to reflect on 2016 and how it changed me as a person. 2015 was a big change with the loss of Carson, but I really wanted to dig deep into what was different about this year other than just grief. It can be very easy for grief to be the focus, but it doesn't have to be.
So I kind of did a self interview. And I will leave it here for you to see.
1. Looking back at 2016, what were the biggest moments of the year?
When I look back, it would be easy to say that we are PROUD of what we have accomplished this year. I am not sure that is why I accomplished anything in 2016 though. No need for a sense of pride in the things, but in what they represented. Most of my moments that stick out are focused around training for and running for Team Crusher. I had 63 names on my bike when I rode. Looking at my training, I rode just over 1500 miles in 2016. I had a little over 2,200 miles of training between the three disciplines. 2,200 miles of remembering, 2,200 miles of praying, and 2,200 miles completely devoted to something way bigger than me. I am proud that Team Crusher can represent the people it does. I am proud that in 140.6 miles, people remembered a child gone too soon. I am proud that I cried at the start line (it was in the water, so nobody noticed), I am proud that, even though I was a little past due, my family and I cried together at the finish line. None of us were even thinking about me. That is why it was so perfect. I am proud that 2016 was a year of memorial and honor for those families represented by Team Crusher.
2. If you ran into you from January 1, 2016, what would you tell yourself?
I would tell myself to remember what is important. There were plenty of times that I let training get in the way of what should have had my focus on that day. There were times that I let connecting with my Carson take precedent over connecting with the rest of my children. At 4:30 in the morning, nobody seems to care what I am doing. At 4:30 in the afternoon, I miss family time. It is important to take time for you, but you also have to figure the cost of your "me time". I have gotten pretty good at early mornings. I guess I would also tell myself that being a morning person isn't so bad.
3. What did you miss out on?
I don't feel like I missed out on a ton of things, but there were things that definitely fell by the wayside because we were super busy as a family and training was part of that. The boys didn't play baseball this year, partially because we were late hearing about sign ups, but also because we were super busy trying to get everything done. I let down my kids to a certain extent because I was putting so much focus into being an Ironman.
4. Did you have a motto or mantra in 2016 that helped you? Do you have one for 2017?
Last year I kept hearing my name at the finish line. I guess my mantra was "John Butler, you are an Ironman!" I never actually heard it, but I made it so that is far more important to me. This year I definitely do have a new mantra. "Pray like it depends on God and Work like it depends on you." It speaks to me because I can't do it with out Him. I can put in all the work in the world, but without Him, it is both meaningless and fruitless. If racing and such was for only me, it would not matter. I race to glorify God and remember His angels, that is what I want people to see when I run by.
5. What are some of your goals for this year?
I have tons of goals, that has been one of my lessons this last year is that setting up goals and knocking them down is like candy to me, I just can't get enough!
One of my goals is to connect with a family once a week who has lost a child recently. Unfortunately, there are families every day who join the club. I just want to make sure they know that someone is thinking about them.
I am going to run faster. That one is pretty straight forward.
I am going to be a better servant to my family and my wife, they sacrificed a lot this last year and I need to set a better example.
I am going to blog weekly this year as well. I am thinking that instead of blogging when the feels get me, I should blog weekly and maybe when I get the feels it can be more special instead of simply always being a tear jerking blog.
Well, that is how I reflected on 2016. Let's see where 2017 takes us and what it looks like! Should be an adventure. Until next week, Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you!
So this year, I wanted to reflect on 2016 and how it changed me as a person. 2015 was a big change with the loss of Carson, but I really wanted to dig deep into what was different about this year other than just grief. It can be very easy for grief to be the focus, but it doesn't have to be.
So I kind of did a self interview. And I will leave it here for you to see.
1. Looking back at 2016, what were the biggest moments of the year?
When I look back, it would be easy to say that we are PROUD of what we have accomplished this year. I am not sure that is why I accomplished anything in 2016 though. No need for a sense of pride in the things, but in what they represented. Most of my moments that stick out are focused around training for and running for Team Crusher. I had 63 names on my bike when I rode. Looking at my training, I rode just over 1500 miles in 2016. I had a little over 2,200 miles of training between the three disciplines. 2,200 miles of remembering, 2,200 miles of praying, and 2,200 miles completely devoted to something way bigger than me. I am proud that Team Crusher can represent the people it does. I am proud that in 140.6 miles, people remembered a child gone too soon. I am proud that I cried at the start line (it was in the water, so nobody noticed), I am proud that, even though I was a little past due, my family and I cried together at the finish line. None of us were even thinking about me. That is why it was so perfect. I am proud that 2016 was a year of memorial and honor for those families represented by Team Crusher.
2. If you ran into you from January 1, 2016, what would you tell yourself?
I would tell myself to remember what is important. There were plenty of times that I let training get in the way of what should have had my focus on that day. There were times that I let connecting with my Carson take precedent over connecting with the rest of my children. At 4:30 in the morning, nobody seems to care what I am doing. At 4:30 in the afternoon, I miss family time. It is important to take time for you, but you also have to figure the cost of your "me time". I have gotten pretty good at early mornings. I guess I would also tell myself that being a morning person isn't so bad.
3. What did you miss out on?
I don't feel like I missed out on a ton of things, but there were things that definitely fell by the wayside because we were super busy as a family and training was part of that. The boys didn't play baseball this year, partially because we were late hearing about sign ups, but also because we were super busy trying to get everything done. I let down my kids to a certain extent because I was putting so much focus into being an Ironman.
4. Did you have a motto or mantra in 2016 that helped you? Do you have one for 2017?
Last year I kept hearing my name at the finish line. I guess my mantra was "John Butler, you are an Ironman!" I never actually heard it, but I made it so that is far more important to me. This year I definitely do have a new mantra. "Pray like it depends on God and Work like it depends on you." It speaks to me because I can't do it with out Him. I can put in all the work in the world, but without Him, it is both meaningless and fruitless. If racing and such was for only me, it would not matter. I race to glorify God and remember His angels, that is what I want people to see when I run by.
5. What are some of your goals for this year?
I have tons of goals, that has been one of my lessons this last year is that setting up goals and knocking them down is like candy to me, I just can't get enough!
One of my goals is to connect with a family once a week who has lost a child recently. Unfortunately, there are families every day who join the club. I just want to make sure they know that someone is thinking about them.
I am going to run faster. That one is pretty straight forward.
I am going to be a better servant to my family and my wife, they sacrificed a lot this last year and I need to set a better example.
I am going to blog weekly this year as well. I am thinking that instead of blogging when the feels get me, I should blog weekly and maybe when I get the feels it can be more special instead of simply always being a tear jerking blog.
Well, that is how I reflected on 2016. Let's see where 2017 takes us and what it looks like! Should be an adventure. Until next week, Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you!
Tuesday, December 27, 2016
What About The Race?
The race was on August 7. Ironman Boulder, a full 140.6 miles. I came to finish 140.6 miles. I didn't care about time, I didn't care about finishing ahead of anyone, I didn't care about my rank. I was driven by one thing. I was driven by the desire for others to remember my angel, Carson.
I would love to run through the whole race experience for you and walk you through all of my feelings and what was happening at any given time, but that is not why I was there, and that is not why you are here.
There was a craziness in the air for the whole week. We went to spend some extra time in Denver with family. It was fun, but all of my events were overshadowed by the looming uncertainty. I was distracted. I did my absolute best to be present for as much as I could, but it was nearly impossible. We did some touristy things and family things, we had fun, but as much as the race was a distraction, we were also missing one little boy who would have loved everything that was going on.
Missing Carson is no longer something new, but it was definitely magnified over race week. We all knew what drove me to be in Boulder. We knew what drove my training. We knew what was going to push me through 140.6 miles.
Over the day, I was feeling good. Up at 2:30ish and grabbing a coffee. Got everyone ready and transition opened up at 4:00 I think. Buses took us out to the lake. I was antsy, I was uncomfortable, I had to pee. I had been slamming water all week in an effort to at least start the race hydrated. I guess it worked!
I made it through the swim and transitioned to my bike. The transition took a little longer than planned, but it was a welcome sit. I got slathered with sunscreen, gave the family kisses and hopped on my trusty steed. I felt great and talked with Carson and prayed for a long time. There were big hills, there were little hills and there were false flats.
As I approached one intersection I saw firetrucks and an ambulance go across the road and stop shortly after that. Course attendants ushered us around what appeared to be a bike crash. Later in the day, I would find out that we lost an Ironman that day. Her name was Michelle and she was from a town near North Platte, NE, where I live. I will be running in her memorial triathlon this coming year.
About 70 miles into the bike, I started to feel awful, my body didn't want to put any food or water in, but I forced it. I knew that I was putting forth lots of energy and needed to reload calories as best I could. I think maybe I overdid it a little.
Coming into T-2 I was wasted. I saw my parents at the transition and I heard my mom say, "this isn't good." My dad also said, "Call Julie". I was a hurtin unit. I wasn't stopping. The volunteers at the transition tent basically dressed me and got me on my way. They were so encouraging and nice. I couldn't think.
As I left T-2, the only thing on my mind was not giving up, there is a little boy who is pushing me all the way to the end. I felt terrible, eating nothing but ice chips, until mile 18 of the run. A young man named Cassidy power walked with me. He pushed me and kept me moving. Nice fella!
At mile 18, I chatted with the medical professionals for a while since my vision was blurry and I felt drunk. They got me restocked on sugar and balanced back out before sending me on my way. Cassidy and I finished strong, but we were 9 minutes late. The finish line had closed.
I didn't care, I ran around the corral gate and chugged into the finish line. I ran down the carpet, I ran across the line, I went 140.6. I finished and Carson is why. There are many other children who are part of Team Crusher, but Carson is my why. Training and racing are my connection to a little boy who left me far too early in life.
I have promised to myself and to Carson to use his death as a motivator, as a way to bless other people. He did not lose his life in vain because I refuse to let his death be mine. I hope that other parents who feel this loss can find their own Ironman journey. I hope we can all find our own way to connect and way to honor our children. They deserve it.
Missing Carson is no longer something new, but it was definitely magnified over race week. We all knew what drove me to be in Boulder. We knew what drove my training. We knew what was going to push me through 140.6 miles.
Over the day, I was feeling good. Up at 2:30ish and grabbing a coffee. Got everyone ready and transition opened up at 4:00 I think. Buses took us out to the lake. I was antsy, I was uncomfortable, I had to pee. I had been slamming water all week in an effort to at least start the race hydrated. I guess it worked!
I made it through the swim and transitioned to my bike. The transition took a little longer than planned, but it was a welcome sit. I got slathered with sunscreen, gave the family kisses and hopped on my trusty steed. I felt great and talked with Carson and prayed for a long time. There were big hills, there were little hills and there were false flats.
As I approached one intersection I saw firetrucks and an ambulance go across the road and stop shortly after that. Course attendants ushered us around what appeared to be a bike crash. Later in the day, I would find out that we lost an Ironman that day. Her name was Michelle and she was from a town near North Platte, NE, where I live. I will be running in her memorial triathlon this coming year.
About 70 miles into the bike, I started to feel awful, my body didn't want to put any food or water in, but I forced it. I knew that I was putting forth lots of energy and needed to reload calories as best I could. I think maybe I overdid it a little.
Coming into T-2 I was wasted. I saw my parents at the transition and I heard my mom say, "this isn't good." My dad also said, "Call Julie". I was a hurtin unit. I wasn't stopping. The volunteers at the transition tent basically dressed me and got me on my way. They were so encouraging and nice. I couldn't think.
As I left T-2, the only thing on my mind was not giving up, there is a little boy who is pushing me all the way to the end. I felt terrible, eating nothing but ice chips, until mile 18 of the run. A young man named Cassidy power walked with me. He pushed me and kept me moving. Nice fella!
At mile 18, I chatted with the medical professionals for a while since my vision was blurry and I felt drunk. They got me restocked on sugar and balanced back out before sending me on my way. Cassidy and I finished strong, but we were 9 minutes late. The finish line had closed.
I didn't care, I ran around the corral gate and chugged into the finish line. I ran down the carpet, I ran across the line, I went 140.6. I finished and Carson is why. There are many other children who are part of Team Crusher, but Carson is my why. Training and racing are my connection to a little boy who left me far too early in life.
I have promised to myself and to Carson to use his death as a motivator, as a way to bless other people. He did not lose his life in vain because I refuse to let his death be mine. I hope that other parents who feel this loss can find their own Ironman journey. I hope we can all find our own way to connect and way to honor our children. They deserve it.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
From One Dad to Another
One Dad to another, this is a hard Father's Day. One Dad to another, the road doesn't get any easier. One Dad to another, this path we are on winds through the rest of our lives.
If I could sit down with Matt Graves, these are things that would probably come up, one dad to another. I guess if I could have a sit-down, I would want him to know that there is hope, but it comes in the form of realizing that there is life still for us. It also comes in the fact that God has our babies and is taking great care of them.
I do not pretend to know how he feels and I will not pretend to say that I know his pain, I do not. I know what I am going through. I know that every morning I convince myself that getting out of bed is worth it. I know that there are some days that I don't even realize that I am grieving until I discover how tired I am. It won't stop any time soon, so Matt, take life at 10, 20 or 30 MPH for a while instead of at 100 MPH. Slow down and look out for yourself.
There will be overwhelming guilt. It will come in waves. One minute you will understand fully that you did all you could and in the same sentence, you can believe you did nothing. It will hit hard, you will see Lane every day. I don't know how to tell you how to try and fix that. Every day I see my son too. It is hard. It is going to be hard.
There is something important that you may not have heard about yet. You must, especially now, pour into your marriage. You must be there for you wife and you must ask her for help. Neither of you can do this alone and that is why you got married because you didn't want to. Hold your wife while she does nothing but cry. Hold her until she knows that you will not let her go. Sometimes just holding her is more important than saying anything. Our words can never stack up to our actions. Both of you will probably lash out at each other. Realize that this is simply emotion and just holding each other can start a real conversation.
Most important, pray with your wife. You might be mad at God, but he is prepared for that. You might not think that He is out for your best interest, but this was not His "plan". He is not "testing" you. He is crying with you, he is holding Lane close and loving him harder than we can even imagine.
From one Dad to another, the pain is real, how we deal with it is real and the road is a lifetime long. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that you are part of a club that nobody wants to be in, but we take care of each other.
If I could sit down with Matt Graves, these are things that would probably come up, one dad to another. I guess if I could have a sit-down, I would want him to know that there is hope, but it comes in the form of realizing that there is life still for us. It also comes in the fact that God has our babies and is taking great care of them.
I do not pretend to know how he feels and I will not pretend to say that I know his pain, I do not. I know what I am going through. I know that every morning I convince myself that getting out of bed is worth it. I know that there are some days that I don't even realize that I am grieving until I discover how tired I am. It won't stop any time soon, so Matt, take life at 10, 20 or 30 MPH for a while instead of at 100 MPH. Slow down and look out for yourself.
There will be overwhelming guilt. It will come in waves. One minute you will understand fully that you did all you could and in the same sentence, you can believe you did nothing. It will hit hard, you will see Lane every day. I don't know how to tell you how to try and fix that. Every day I see my son too. It is hard. It is going to be hard.
There is something important that you may not have heard about yet. You must, especially now, pour into your marriage. You must be there for you wife and you must ask her for help. Neither of you can do this alone and that is why you got married because you didn't want to. Hold your wife while she does nothing but cry. Hold her until she knows that you will not let her go. Sometimes just holding her is more important than saying anything. Our words can never stack up to our actions. Both of you will probably lash out at each other. Realize that this is simply emotion and just holding each other can start a real conversation.
Most important, pray with your wife. You might be mad at God, but he is prepared for that. You might not think that He is out for your best interest, but this was not His "plan". He is not "testing" you. He is crying with you, he is holding Lane close and loving him harder than we can even imagine.
From one Dad to another, the pain is real, how we deal with it is real and the road is a lifetime long. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that you are part of a club that nobody wants to be in, but we take care of each other.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Familiar But Foreign
Swim, that's all you have to do. It is no different than any other swim work out you have done. I was psyching myself up to hit the 50 meter pool as opposed to the 25 yard pool I have been swimming in through the winter and spring. It's not a big deal, it is outside, so that is different. Overall, there will be water, lane lines and probably other people swimming. That is about it.
I hit the water, it felt familiar, but entirely foreign. I have never worked out in an outdoor 50 meter pool before. I tried to get mentally ready, but when my times were much slower in this pool vs my regular pool, it hit me right in the confidence. I tried to justify it and couldn't. I was in such a frustrated state attempting to justify why my 100 was so much slower, I forgot meters are about 10% longer than yards. So yes, it was fine that my times were a little slower. It's all good!
It got me thinking about how I handle my grief at different times, in different situations. I can psych myself up, make a plan, know exactly how everything is going to go and then BANG! Something happens that isn't quite what I expected and I feel like a totally lost child in a maze of people. Sometimes we can be so sure of how we are going to handle something and then there is a smell, or a song, or our brains insert a missed giggle here or there. It doesn't take much and all of a sudden whatever is happening is not what we expected. Sometimes we handle it, sometimes we freeze, sometimes we lash out in anger. There are oodles of ways that we can react, the challenge is trying to make sure it is a healthy response to what is happening.
A healthy response is what we strive for. It is healthy to emote, it is healthy to need a little time, it is healthy to cope through a hobby or prayer or physical fitness. Self medication or abuse is not healthy. Sleeping for days on end or seclusion are not healthy. Developing a relationship with Christ is the best way to start responding in a healthy way. Christ has plans for us and can see a picture so big that we can't even comprehend it. When you can lean on Christ, you don't have to try to lean on people that will sometimes be there for you and sometimes won't. If you are counting on a person to cope for you, or even someone that you become codependent with, you are coping in an unhealthy way. What happens when that person wears out or something happens and they get injured or move away? Christ is permanent, He is not going anywhere.
So when you get into a new situation, a new pool. When things are familiar, but not the same. What are you going to do? What is going to happen next? Are you going to choose to respond in a healthy way? Yes, with the help of Jesus. Find someone who knows Jesus or simply pick up your bible and start reading in the middle somewhere. Meet Him. Yell at Him. Talk to Him. Love Him. Hate Him. Scream, Cuss, Cry to Him. He can handle it and you won't be the first to do any of that.
I hit the water, it felt familiar, but entirely foreign. I have never worked out in an outdoor 50 meter pool before. I tried to get mentally ready, but when my times were much slower in this pool vs my regular pool, it hit me right in the confidence. I tried to justify it and couldn't. I was in such a frustrated state attempting to justify why my 100 was so much slower, I forgot meters are about 10% longer than yards. So yes, it was fine that my times were a little slower. It's all good!
It got me thinking about how I handle my grief at different times, in different situations. I can psych myself up, make a plan, know exactly how everything is going to go and then BANG! Something happens that isn't quite what I expected and I feel like a totally lost child in a maze of people. Sometimes we can be so sure of how we are going to handle something and then there is a smell, or a song, or our brains insert a missed giggle here or there. It doesn't take much and all of a sudden whatever is happening is not what we expected. Sometimes we handle it, sometimes we freeze, sometimes we lash out in anger. There are oodles of ways that we can react, the challenge is trying to make sure it is a healthy response to what is happening.
A healthy response is what we strive for. It is healthy to emote, it is healthy to need a little time, it is healthy to cope through a hobby or prayer or physical fitness. Self medication or abuse is not healthy. Sleeping for days on end or seclusion are not healthy. Developing a relationship with Christ is the best way to start responding in a healthy way. Christ has plans for us and can see a picture so big that we can't even comprehend it. When you can lean on Christ, you don't have to try to lean on people that will sometimes be there for you and sometimes won't. If you are counting on a person to cope for you, or even someone that you become codependent with, you are coping in an unhealthy way. What happens when that person wears out or something happens and they get injured or move away? Christ is permanent, He is not going anywhere.
So when you get into a new situation, a new pool. When things are familiar, but not the same. What are you going to do? What is going to happen next? Are you going to choose to respond in a healthy way? Yes, with the help of Jesus. Find someone who knows Jesus or simply pick up your bible and start reading in the middle somewhere. Meet Him. Yell at Him. Talk to Him. Love Him. Hate Him. Scream, Cuss, Cry to Him. He can handle it and you won't be the first to do any of that.
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