The Numb Wears Off

It's been a while.  Things are changing.  Since my last post, we have had two of the kids' birthdays, Easter and some other things.

I expected those family things to feel empty.  I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things.  The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard.  The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard.  Easter was powerful this year.  It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture.  We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.

Those things were expectedly hard.  There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.

We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends.  Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.

While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty.  I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids.  I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up.  It's hard.

Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town.  As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them.  I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.

It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of.  All I could think about was who wasn't finishing.  I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed.  He missed out... again.


That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do.  Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program.  As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I.  So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.

I can't tell you how different things are for me today.  For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb.  I have been in shock maybe?  The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me.  I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is.  Now things are starting to change.  Things are getting harder.

This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God.  I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall.  I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground.  He is with me every step of the way.  I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused.  Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable.  Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it.  It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care.  I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.

The Practicality is Yucky

What a month.  March came in like a mild mannered emu and is headed out as a sort of lame zebra.  In some aspects, March has been good, but I am still noticeably numb.  The upsides of things just aren't as high, but the down sides of things aren't as low.  I have been to a really low point and it helps to put things in perspective.  I never feel bad, but I just don't feel as great as I once did.

There have been things this past month that I have done, not done and avoided but still had to do them later.  Laundry.  I avoided laundry the best I could until every body in the house was wearing clothes that smelled like the north end of a south bound horse.  My mom did offer to do the laundry while she was here, but I told her that her job was to enjoy the kids.  Oops.  I have a laundry system.  I have specific places on the bed for each pile because we have more piles than most houses.  7.  We have 7 piles of people clothes... or we did.  We now have 6 piles of clothes.  I found myself staring at the bed, unable to convince my hands that they would be a pile short. I was unable to tell myself that spreading out the piles a little bit was ok.

I am a systems kind of guy.  When my systems get monkeyed with, that is when I feel it the most.  I had an emotional breakdown doing the laundry that day.  I could not make sense of anything for a few minutes.  I have a system for laundry, dishes, picking up dog poop, eating meals and any other thing you can think of.  There were quite a few that involved Carson, but laundry and the budget are the two that I have noticed the most.

I hate it.  I hate that my budget is different.  I hate that the laundry doesn't take as long.  I hate that things are different because I know why they are different.  It is uncomfortable.

Now that I got through the parts of the month that threw off my game, let's dive into the cool stuff.  This month on March 21st was World DS Day.  We celebrated our buddy.  We also had the Step Up for DS Walk in Kearney on the 28th.  It was so awesome!  Not just because the organizers were so wonderful, but we sold 150 Carsonian Crushers T-Shirts (Thanks everybody)!   Not everyone could show up, but I thank everyone who did.  It was a day of remembering and celebrating our special little man and supporting other families.  We met a little guy who was a hugger.  He was 3 and that hug meant more to me than anything else that happened that day.  I was surprised that I did not lose my mind and sob all over him, because that is exactly what I was doing inside.

When I think about the way that I am feeling I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the man who was unable to walk and for about 40 years he hung out by the pool waiting to be healed.  This man had it way worse than me.  He probably had serious bed sores, body odor, nasty teeth and all sorts of gross.  Jesus walked up to him and asked if he would like to be well.  Of course after 40 years of sitting, he kind of had an attitude, but then asked Jesus to heal him.  Jesus did.

That is incredible.  40 years of laying around and waiting for someone to come and throw him in the pool at the right time and Jesus walks up and asks if he wants to be better.  If Jesus can take the pain from that man and countless others I know that he can take mine, but only as fast as I let him.  If you are hurting, if you are struggling, I would invite you to ask Jesus to treat you like the man by the pool and let Him heal a little piece of you.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

Time with my Buddy

A new month.  A time to recognize that things aren't going to be the same.  Things have been starting to sink in for all of us.  We went to church on a Wednesday Night and the kids start out by playing a bunch of games and singing together.  After that gets done, they head to their classrooms to have their lessons.  Well, Cecilia had a fun night playing and singing, but then told Mom that she did not want to go to class.  When Mom asked why, she responded that "Carson always goes to class with me."  That definitely pulled at the heart strings.  Still looking for a new normal.

Carson is missed in a big way.  We endured our first family celebration without him.  It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday.  Grandparents came to town and we had a great time.  Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together.  For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate.  We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.

Grief has taken a new form.  I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me.  He told me something that really hit home.  He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time.  He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now.  We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now.  It hit me.  I know now that I can't go 80.  I have tried.  I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it.  I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me.  It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that.  I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen.  It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.

I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to.  God does that.  A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple.  I invited the youth of our church and had some takers.  We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did.  Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me.  I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little.  I smiled, it was good.  The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled.  Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job.  They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him.  It was a quality message.  Not what hit me though.  The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship.  So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke.  They sang How He Loves.  Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt.  I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face.  I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight.  That little girl danced all night.  We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.

I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.

God has come through for me.  He will come through for you.  Just ask him.

Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.

The Dad who dads

Beauty and the Guilt Beast

It is Thursday.  This has been an interesting week.  We have done things as a family again.  We went to the park, we had pizza, I went back to work, we went to church.  None of it was normal yet, none of it didn't hurt, none of it wasn't empty and different, but all of it was good.

We have had some good days, some iffy times, some sadness and grief.  We had pizza.  We ordered the normal amount and we have quite a bit left over.  That is sad on multiple levels, one because Carson wasn't here to eat it and the other because we have left over pizza.

The park was great, except we were minus one.  The kids weren't sad, the parents were sad and happy.  Our children have never been to the park and been the focus of all of our attention because Carson would run all over hell and gone and if you were't watching he would run all the way to Lord knows where.  The other 4 kids were used to having to keep eyes out for each other and be ready to help if we needed it.  That pressure wasn't there at the park.  As Julie took the kids to the playground, I took Niner the dog to the dog park.  He loved it, by the way.  I did not feel guilty leaving Julie with all of them while I watched the dog.  It was strange.  We felt guilty that we didn't feel that pressure, like we were betraying him.  I returned to the park to find Julie fully invested in a set of swings with the 4 kids and it was beautiful.  It was beautiful to see my wife play with Carson and the kids too.  It was just different and still beautiful.

I don't want you to read the wrong thing.  I want you to read that I LOVED the old normal more than anything that I could dream of, but a new normal will have to do.  There is no way around it.  There is no way to put it lightly and there is no good reason to dance around it.  Things are different and they will be.  Things function differently and no matter how much I wish and pray that time could rewind it won't.  There are 4 more kids in this home that need my love, that need my effort, that need my dadding.

It isn't always going to be easy.  Every morning Julie and I lay in bed and I look her in the eyes.  Together we pray and make a commitment to that day to love God, love each other and love the kids and do what is best for them that day.

We got a book from a dear friend of ours that is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry".  Let me tell you, first off that is a fairly misleading title for at least the first 19 times we read it, probably more.  In our house, we do mucho singing.  We sing, we dance, we music and have a blast.  There is a page that talks about how beautiful his voice is when he sings in heaven. We REALLY like that page. It is a beautiful book that has brought much healing.

Keep God in front of you and your people next to you.

Goodnight.

Little Things

    The last couple days have been different.  All of the family is home, we are now a family unit again.  Unfortunately we are a family unit that is not the same.  We fit at the dining room table, a family that had nobody scooting around the dinner table finishing the plates of everyone who walked away.  When the kids play, it is still too quiet.  When we get ready to leave the house, we have to dig around and passed Carson's shoes.  We only put on 4 coats, his sits in the closet.  There are a million things that are reminders.  Not just what I listed, but countless things that you can't prepare for.  Sometimes we holler at him to get ready with us, It is a constant battle against the empty.

     As we search for a new normal, we will have good days and we will have bad days.  My wife had a rough and emotional day yesterday and I had a rough evening the night before.  Part of the recovery process is being able to support my better half in her rough days and her in mine.  I have always tried to be a rock for her.  I try my best to hold her up, but sometimes I just don't know what to do or say.  When I don't know what to do, I just hold her.  There has been a lot of just holding.  Holding because there are not words, holding because anything else might be wrong.  Holding, talking, supporting my wife are all things that help me cope, help me heal.  I don't know how to be vulnerable, but I know how to cradle my wife when she is at her most vulnerable.  Doing what I know is healing, it takes me steps down my own road and on my own journey.

     Today, my wife and one of her friends were supposed to head to another town about 40 minutes away and go to a meeting. Her friend had a sick kiddo and couldn't go.  Our initial plan was that it wasn't a problem and she would just drive and come back.  I asked if she was ready to be alone with her thoughts for 40 minutes at a time and then we all loaded the car and headed out on the road.  This was healing to me, to know that I was there for her when she needed me the most.  Even if she didn't really know that she did.  Best part of the day? I found crispy M&M's for her!  

     Today's moral, I guess, is that there are good days and bad days and good things and bad things and you might not know which one is which right away.  I think as the days go forward and the Lord guides us, we will be able to have fewer bads and more goods.

I Don't Emote

Tonight is one of those nights.  I am not even sure what I am feeling.  Empty, broken, scared, anxious, tired, exhausted or some mixture of or maybe all of or maybe none. I have no idea.

I have been stable for a few days.  I have been in an OK place.  I have been at a place where I could be strong for everyone else.  That is not where I am tonight, but I don't know where I am.

We met with the investigator this morning and ran through everything one more time.  It was a conversation that I almost enjoyed.  We were with him for probably an hour and only spent about 15 minutes on that morning.  The rest of the time we talked about Carson's life, his birth, and all sorts of things.  It was unexpected and enjoyable.  The best part was the policeman using all of his equipment to break into a car in the parking lot.  His car.  To get his keys back.  It was entertaining.

We ran some more errands, we did some more things. I can't find any triggers for my mood.  I keep reliving my day trying to explain my mood, but I can't.  I realized that I don't need to.  I belong to no one.  My feelings, my moods are exactly that, they are mine.  I can own them.  I want to own them, but it is really hard to do that.  It is really hard for me to just feel.  I don't emote very often.  My emotions are happy, happier and off the charts.

I am used to being the strongest, the pillar where people crumble and I hold them up.  I am not sure how to ask for help, I am not sure what to even ask for.  I have no idea and that, I believe is the hardest part for me.  I am not sure how to be vulnerable because I don't like to be.

There are not many places besides the presence of my God, my Father that I can be truly vulnerable.  Today my prayer has been that I could find permission from Him and myself to feel and for the strength to own my feelings.  To know that the perception of other people doesn't matter. What matters is that I can feel what I feel because it is what I am feeling and I can give myself permission to do that.

A New Normal

Today we began our next mission.  We began to search for a new normal.  We loved our old normal, we were used to our old normal, we would have given everything to keep our old normal, but now it is time for something new.  As we go on this search, we have many things to face.  We have to face how things are changing, not just in a Carson isn't with us kind of way, but in a how do we function as a family without Carson here way.  This means getting in and out of the car, it means bed time, it means meals, church, book shelves.

It means that I feel guilty when I use the words easier, quicker, less difficult and other such things.  Under normal circumstances using these words for a child that you lost would make you feel bad, yes, but I am a parent of a child with a disability too.  A child that never heard a negative word about his or any other disability.  We did not see anything with him as a chore, we didn't see it as too difficult.  We chose not to do some things because of the speed with which he would undo them, like books on the shelf in an orderly fashion.  Carson would have those books back on the floor before you even stood up, so they were in piles on the shelf because it was easier that way.  There are lots of little things like that.  Those little things make me feel the worst, but they are part of everything.  Maybe one day I will feel less guilty for making observations about the practicality of our new normal, our new reality.

We had a service at church for Ash Wednesday tonight, it was the first time that I grabbed my guitar and sang for people since everything happened.  Tonight I didn't sing for people, I sang for my precious Carson.  I sang for him.  We sang How He Loves/Come As Your Are by David Crowder.  If you haven't heard either of these songs, you need to.  You need to so much that here are links to them.  Come As Your Are and here is How He Loves there is much healing in the lyrics of these songs.  It is more than words,  it is an all out prayer.  One more Crowder bit can explain most of how I long for my son right now SMS Shine.

Weeks ago, our worship leader and I chose these two songs.  This last week, this difficult week How He Loves has been the song that is on constant repeat in my head.  I can't get around it, so tonight I sang for my best buddy.

It seems a stark contrast when I think about feelings of anger, regret, despair and sadness that I could be feeling and all I can think is how he loves us.  My God loves me, my God loves you, my God loves Carson.  I cannot get around the feeling of love.

My wife and I have made a commitment to ourselves that we will never let ourselves be perched above God.  He is our number one, above ourselves and above all else.  On our search for a new normal, that is step one.  It would be far to easy to forget that he loves us, so we committed not to.  I don't want a new normal, I need a new normal and I am going to make new normal almost as good as old normal.