A new year. A new year is beginning and I am not sure what that means. It is supposed to be a time when you make a decision to start something new, make a commitment to change a part of your life that you are not content with, but sometimes it doesn't work like that. Sometimes, the part of your life that keeps you from being content is something that will not change no matter what you do. It is something that you carry with you every day, every hour, every minute. For me, the thing is Carson. The thing that defined my 2015 is the loss of my son. Let me say this more specifically, it does not define ME, it defines my 2015.
The definition written by loss is one of grief, drive, motivation and desire. Every morning, I wake up and see his face. I have to remember to thank God that I got to spend 4 wonderful years with Carson. All good things, all blessings come from the Lord. Never forget that. After I thank God for the time I had with Carson and the time I still have with the rest of my children, It is decision time. It is time to make the decision to have a good day, make a decision to let my grief win or to channel the grief into something productive. Each day I choose to take my grief and us it as a motivator to reach a goal that I have set for myself.
My goal is to run the Boulder Ironman Triathlon in 2016. This is a big goal, lofty if you will. I know I can accomplish it. I know I can, not because I am in good shape (bahahahahahahahahahahahahah) but because I have a "why" that just won't quit. I am not racing for me. I am not racing to prove to myself that I can, I am not racing to prove to someone else that I can or to lose weight or to help advertise my awesomeness. I am racing to bring attention to the memory of Carson and the rest of the kids who are on Team Crusher. My "why" goes beyond me.
You are going to have to find a "why". If you have lost someone, a child, parent, spouse or friend, maybe you are struggling with depression about something else. Without a "why" you are not going to get very far. MINE is to remember my son. That doesn't have to be yours, but without a "why" nothing will get accomplished. Your "why" is like friction. Yeah, friction, happens when two things rub against each other. Sometimes friction hurts, sometimes friction isn't comfortable, sometimes friction takes all of your energy and leaves you tired and drained. The funny thing about friction though is that without it, walking wouldn't happen, cars wouldn't drive, no progress would be made and you wouldn't be able to stop to protect yourself from running in to something.
My "why", my grief, my friction is what propels me forward through life and into 2016. Very soon, there will have been 12 months that separates us from the day we lost our son. It will hurt no less, it will feel no better, I will not have gotten over it, and I will still not believe that this was all part of God's plan. I will also not let my grief crush me, I will not let the pain win. I will harness the grief, I will let it drive me to push myself. I will use it to remember.
God loves you, I love you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
Our Love is Enough
It has been a while. I apologize.
It has been long weeks and I needed to recoup and find my stability again. November 25th is Carson's birthday. We headed to spend time with friends and family as we celebrated. The following day was Thanksgiving. Our first Thanksgiving without him. Then on December 1st was my 30th birthday and December 3rd was my Grandmother's birthday as well as my son's birthday, so it has been heavy lately.
I can not remember a time, where leading up to birthdays and a holiday that I felt so deflated. I was prepped and ready to go deer hunting, but could not get excited, we were going pheasant hunting, but could not get excited. As time has moved forward, the initial surface level pain has subsided, but it has moved deeper. No longer is it a searing pain, but it is an inner ache that is relentless.
What we will never understand, as parents of angels is that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH. Our love has to be enough, because that is all that we have. We spend time wondering what we could have done to make things different. We spend time trying to justify why it happened and try to give it a reason. Stop it. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
I am realizing that every day, I have to remind myself that no amount of sweat, no amount of muscle pain, no amount of training is going to bring my Carson back. It is also not going to make him or my family any more or less proud of me. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Every time you feel like you are letting down your angel and you feel like you are the only one who remembers and you feel alone, Team Crusher wants you to know that you are not alone. We remember. Most importantly you have to know that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Please head over to www.teamcrusher.com and see what we are up to. Submit your child's name to go on the bike, submit your form to be an athlete. We can't wait to have you.
It has been long weeks and I needed to recoup and find my stability again. November 25th is Carson's birthday. We headed to spend time with friends and family as we celebrated. The following day was Thanksgiving. Our first Thanksgiving without him. Then on December 1st was my 30th birthday and December 3rd was my Grandmother's birthday as well as my son's birthday, so it has been heavy lately.
I can not remember a time, where leading up to birthdays and a holiday that I felt so deflated. I was prepped and ready to go deer hunting, but could not get excited, we were going pheasant hunting, but could not get excited. As time has moved forward, the initial surface level pain has subsided, but it has moved deeper. No longer is it a searing pain, but it is an inner ache that is relentless.
What we will never understand, as parents of angels is that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH. Our love has to be enough, because that is all that we have. We spend time wondering what we could have done to make things different. We spend time trying to justify why it happened and try to give it a reason. Stop it. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
I am realizing that every day, I have to remind myself that no amount of sweat, no amount of muscle pain, no amount of training is going to bring my Carson back. It is also not going to make him or my family any more or less proud of me. OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Every time you feel like you are letting down your angel and you feel like you are the only one who remembers and you feel alone, Team Crusher wants you to know that you are not alone. We remember. Most importantly you have to know that OUR LOVE IS ENOUGH.
Please head over to www.teamcrusher.com and see what we are up to. Submit your child's name to go on the bike, submit your form to be an athlete. We can't wait to have you.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Happy Birthday Carson
Hi there, head over to www.teamcrusher.com to submit your story or sign up to run a triathlon in memory of a child.
Today is Carson's Birthday. He would be 5 today. I am not sure how I feel. This entire last week, I have been like a balloon that has a hole in it, a very small hole. A hole that does not pop the balloon, but doesn't let it hold air for very long. I don't ever feel totally empty, but never full and when I do fill up a little, it doesn't last.
Carson was a child that set our family ablaze with love. He had an infectious smile, a giggle that never quit and snuggles that turned the worst day into something bearable. I miss him dearly and talk to him daily.
I really wish that our family could celebrate with him, hug him, kiss him, high five him and have a real party with him. I know that he will be there, but not the way I want. I am selfish and that's ok with me. I wish that I had more than a sticker, but this is where we are at.
Today is Carson's Birthday. He would be 5 today. I am not sure how I feel. This entire last week, I have been like a balloon that has a hole in it, a very small hole. A hole that does not pop the balloon, but doesn't let it hold air for very long. I don't ever feel totally empty, but never full and when I do fill up a little, it doesn't last.
Carson was a child that set our family ablaze with love. He had an infectious smile, a giggle that never quit and snuggles that turned the worst day into something bearable. I miss him dearly and talk to him daily.
I really wish that our family could celebrate with him, hug him, kiss him, high five him and have a real party with him. I know that he will be there, but not the way I want. I am selfish and that's ok with me. I wish that I had more than a sticker, but this is where we are at.
All of the sadness of today does not take away from the fact that I am extremely thankful for the time I had and would not trade it for the world. It is not often that a parent gets to spend an entire lifetime with their child. For those parents, I salute you.
We are in a club that we didn't ask to be in, we are part of a select few that people deem extra strong. I do not know how strong I actually am. I find that the times that I am the strongest are the times that I can let my emotions and feelings win. Daily I am too weak to let my emotions show and to let my emotions win. I am not usually strong enough even on my own to let my feelings win. I would invite you over the holidays to make sure you take time to be strong and own your feelings. Let them win and help you cope.
Spend time with your family, cherish them and recognize that everyone will feel the loss differently. Be open to letting everyone else be strong the way they need to be as well. Talk about your child, talk about your loved one and remember in a healthy way.
Also, to honor Carson today, invite someone you know who has lost a child to check out www,teamcrusher,com and submit their story. I would love to put more names on my bike.
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Birthday Carson! We love you.
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
What is wrong with this generation!?!?!?!?!?
If you have a child that has passed, you can either mail your story and stuff to:
Team Crusher
2220 W D St
North Platte, NE 69101
or you can also email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com
OOOOOORRRRR you can hop on the facebook page and send it there!
Romans 1:25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.
The whole chapter is great, I mentioned this verse, but This kind of applies to the whole chapter.
I see this as something that is so true in society today that it is incredible. There used to be a belief that God could handle our problems. We used to be bold and stand up for what was right because we stood for and worshiped an almighty father. I am not sure when we decided that we, as a people, were more powerful and could take care of ourselves, but we can't.
I am a youth leader at a church and what I see happening to kids and adults alike, is that stuff takes over. We worship stuff. We worship the money that gets the stuff. We worship the time that we work to get the money that we worship to get the stuff that we worship. We worship the athletics our kids are in because that is where they learn character and morals. I call GARBAGE on that one. Do you know what a kid's number one influence is?
Their parents. No matter who you dump your kids off with, no matter how great you treat them or how poorly, they learn the most from you. So, when you look up from your phone long enough to ask yourself, "What is wrong with this generation?" You can look right back down and see the answer. They are simply following you and what you worship. If you would like to know where God went, the answer is nowhere. We are simply too busy worshiping other things to notice that He is still hanging around.
There is only one thing, one being who has been here from the beginning and will be here until the end. Why wouldn't you put your faith in the one permanent, the only eternal, Jesus?
When I married my wife, I thought that I was going to have to devote myself to nobody but her. I thought that if my every waking moment revolved around her we would get closer. False. We both were seeking Jesus together and as we got closer to Him, We got closer to each other. Once I stopped worshiping our marriage or worshiping my wife and started worshiping the one who created her, then and only then did our marriage get significantly better.
When we had kids, I thought that they would take over my whole life and that they would suck every second of energy from my body and that I would worship them like they were my whole world. Well, that gets very tiring and they don't learn anything except that they are more important than everything and they become entitled. You want to know what is wrong with the next generation? They are too busy following our examples.
The generation of entitlement is only a product of a generation of soft parents and adults who have misplaced their worship. Where did the humbleness go? When did we become better than our creator?
My hope through Team Crusher is that we can start to find our creator and worship him through training, racing and remembering. If it weren't for our Lord Jesus Christ, there would be no hope that we get to see our angels again. He wasn't responsible for taking them away, he is responsible for making a way for you to see them again.
I look forward to a new update next Tuesday.
Team Crusher
2220 W D St
North Platte, NE 69101
or you can also email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com
OOOOOORRRRR you can hop on the facebook page and send it there!
Romans 1:25 They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator--who is forever praised. Amen.
The whole chapter is great, I mentioned this verse, but This kind of applies to the whole chapter.
I see this as something that is so true in society today that it is incredible. There used to be a belief that God could handle our problems. We used to be bold and stand up for what was right because we stood for and worshiped an almighty father. I am not sure when we decided that we, as a people, were more powerful and could take care of ourselves, but we can't.
I am a youth leader at a church and what I see happening to kids and adults alike, is that stuff takes over. We worship stuff. We worship the money that gets the stuff. We worship the time that we work to get the money that we worship to get the stuff that we worship. We worship the athletics our kids are in because that is where they learn character and morals. I call GARBAGE on that one. Do you know what a kid's number one influence is?
Their parents. No matter who you dump your kids off with, no matter how great you treat them or how poorly, they learn the most from you. So, when you look up from your phone long enough to ask yourself, "What is wrong with this generation?" You can look right back down and see the answer. They are simply following you and what you worship. If you would like to know where God went, the answer is nowhere. We are simply too busy worshiping other things to notice that He is still hanging around.
There is only one thing, one being who has been here from the beginning and will be here until the end. Why wouldn't you put your faith in the one permanent, the only eternal, Jesus?
When I married my wife, I thought that I was going to have to devote myself to nobody but her. I thought that if my every waking moment revolved around her we would get closer. False. We both were seeking Jesus together and as we got closer to Him, We got closer to each other. Once I stopped worshiping our marriage or worshiping my wife and started worshiping the one who created her, then and only then did our marriage get significantly better.
When we had kids, I thought that they would take over my whole life and that they would suck every second of energy from my body and that I would worship them like they were my whole world. Well, that gets very tiring and they don't learn anything except that they are more important than everything and they become entitled. You want to know what is wrong with the next generation? They are too busy following our examples.
The generation of entitlement is only a product of a generation of soft parents and adults who have misplaced their worship. Where did the humbleness go? When did we become better than our creator?
My hope through Team Crusher is that we can start to find our creator and worship him through training, racing and remembering. If it weren't for our Lord Jesus Christ, there would be no hope that we get to see our angels again. He wasn't responsible for taking them away, he is responsible for making a way for you to see them again.
I look forward to a new update next Tuesday.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Balancing Act: Family, Working, Training
This week, I have been thinking about balance. There are many new things happening in our lives right now and balance seems to be what we are always seeking. Just when we get comfortable or at least make peace with the balance we have, it seems like we shake things up.
For years, I was the working parent and Julie was a stay at home mom. With 5 kids, that only makes sense. This usually made it so I worked too much and Julie complained about it. I would try to not work as much, Julie would say thank you and inevitably I would go back to working too much. If people asked me my priorities, I would tell them that God came first, then family and work in the number 3 spot. If you looked at my life and how I was living, you would see clearly that work was number 1, family in a distant 2nd and God was somewhere on the list.
I really wanted my priorities to line up with how I was presenting myself and how I was living. When we got called to our new home, and new job, I told Julie that we were going to make significant changes. I made sure that the new church understood what my priorities are and that I would do my best to live them out.
It worked well for a while, but then Carson passed away. Everything changed. Now, Julie has 2 jobs, I am working full time, the girls are in daycare, the boys are both in school and I am training for an Ironman. To say that things are different is an understatement. It's like we have gone a complete 180. We have new balance issues, for example, it is more difficult for Julie and I to deflate and chat after the kids go to bed because I am usually ready for bed between 9 and 9:30 since I am usually up at 4:45 to train. So I am going to make sure that I am intentional about making time for us to chat, for us to hang out and for us to be happy around each other.
This morning, during my shower, there was a spider that climbed down the wall from the ceiling. He was very diligent, doing everything right, making sure he felt everything that he was going to walk over, a piece of dust here, some water spray there, the top of the tiles, you know, spidery things. Well he was so very diligent and very focused on what he was doing. So focused that he did not see my hand coming to squash him. It reminded me that I can't get so focused on on thing that I ignore everything else. Something else will come and smash me while I am not looking. I really don't like that.
Remember, if you would like to be part of Team Crusher, your child's name will go on my bike and I will remember them whenever I train and on race day. I will also pray for your family each day. If you want to be part of this, send your story and a picture of your child to 2220 W D St North Platte, NE 69101. You can also email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Team Crusher
I made a decision. I decided that yes... I race for Carson, but not for him alone. I want to race for as many families that have lost children as I can. I want to race for parents who lost a child. It does not matter what age they were when they departed. I want to race for you.
As parents who have lost, our lives can be very tough at times. You know, good days and bad days and whatever else. I want to give you a chance to let your child be remembered and prayed for by someone else.
I am asking that you would send me a letter with your story and a picture of your child. I would then like to put your child's name on my bike while I train and race. My goal is to cover my whole bike, my tri suit, my helmet, everywhere I can with names of kids. You are welcome to send donations to help me train and race, but my real goal is to race for your child. I would love to hear from you.
I don't only want your story and pictures though, I want to make sure you know that when I have that, I would like to pray for your family. I will take time on my rides and time on my runs and time on my swims and time on my knees for you. Sometimes it is hard to see where God is at in all of the terrible that comes with loss, but he is there. I promise.
If this is something that you would like to be a part of, email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com and I will send you my address for your story, pictures and donations.
Also Check out my video blogs at Dadding As Hard As I Can on YouTube.
As parents who have lost, our lives can be very tough at times. You know, good days and bad days and whatever else. I want to give you a chance to let your child be remembered and prayed for by someone else.
I am asking that you would send me a letter with your story and a picture of your child. I would then like to put your child's name on my bike while I train and race. My goal is to cover my whole bike, my tri suit, my helmet, everywhere I can with names of kids. You are welcome to send donations to help me train and race, but my real goal is to race for your child. I would love to hear from you.
I don't only want your story and pictures though, I want to make sure you know that when I have that, I would like to pray for your family. I will take time on my rides and time on my runs and time on my swims and time on my knees for you. Sometimes it is hard to see where God is at in all of the terrible that comes with loss, but he is there. I promise.
If this is something that you would like to be a part of, email me at thedadwhodads@gmail.com and I will send you my address for your story, pictures and donations.
Also Check out my video blogs at Dadding As Hard As I Can on YouTube.
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
I Must Be Crazy
I said it. I must be crazy, because we registered for an Ironman race. I can't express what this race means to me in words in one blog, so I will keep you up to date about what it means as we go. As I have said before, I race for Carson. My son. My angel. My motivation. My heartbeat. My reason. I train, I race, I recover, I train some more and I race again all because I need him to stay alive. I need him to be part of my life. This is how that happens.
On August 7, we will run an Ironman 140.6 in Boulder, CO. You may not know what an Ironman is, so let me enlighten you. We will start off the day swimming 2.4 miles, yeah, in the water. We will get out of the water and go grab my bike. We will then pedal my bike 112 miles. There will be hills and though I might want to quit and I might get tired, Carson will keep me strong. When we get back from our bike ride, we will strap on our running shoes and go for a little run. Daintily we will run a marathon. 26.2 miles. I will really want to quit at this point. There will be points on the run where I hurt so bad that I think I can't make it. That is when I will beg Carson for the use of his wings. I know that he will lift me by the heart and keep me on my feet.
Some folks might question my readiness or whatever they want to question, but I will tell you how I know that we are going to do this. When I can't sleep, when I lie awake in bed and just can't clear my head, many people will watch a movie, read a book, count sheep or whatever. I walk quietly to the living room and sit in my chair. I grab my computer and I log in to Youtube. I pull up the Ironman racing channel and I watch Ironman videos. I have seen all of them more times than is probably healthy. That, however, is not where it ends. As people finish, I cry. I weep knowing that the only way for my son to accomplish this feat is for me to take him on the journey. And I will do just that.
I told my wife last week that I wanted to do this. It should not be a big deal to tell the woman I love that I want to run a race, but I had to fight back tears to a level that I have not fought them before. I could barely get the words out.
I know that this is the only things that will fulfill my need to keep Carson with me. I can sleep on his pillows and wrap up in his blankets and snuggle his stuffed animals, but that will not make him proud of his dad. That will not let his siblings know that when bad things happen, they can't stop us if we don't let them. I pray every day that my kids know why I am on the journey I am on. I tell them, but I hope they get it. I hope it clicks for them.
I look forward to posting blogs and getting VLOGS up on youtube as well. When you read this blog or watch a video on Youtube, I would ask that you say a prayer for my son and our family. We appreciate the support.
On August 7, we will run an Ironman 140.6 in Boulder, CO. You may not know what an Ironman is, so let me enlighten you. We will start off the day swimming 2.4 miles, yeah, in the water. We will get out of the water and go grab my bike. We will then pedal my bike 112 miles. There will be hills and though I might want to quit and I might get tired, Carson will keep me strong. When we get back from our bike ride, we will strap on our running shoes and go for a little run. Daintily we will run a marathon. 26.2 miles. I will really want to quit at this point. There will be points on the run where I hurt so bad that I think I can't make it. That is when I will beg Carson for the use of his wings. I know that he will lift me by the heart and keep me on my feet.
Some folks might question my readiness or whatever they want to question, but I will tell you how I know that we are going to do this. When I can't sleep, when I lie awake in bed and just can't clear my head, many people will watch a movie, read a book, count sheep or whatever. I walk quietly to the living room and sit in my chair. I grab my computer and I log in to Youtube. I pull up the Ironman racing channel and I watch Ironman videos. I have seen all of them more times than is probably healthy. That, however, is not where it ends. As people finish, I cry. I weep knowing that the only way for my son to accomplish this feat is for me to take him on the journey. And I will do just that.
I told my wife last week that I wanted to do this. It should not be a big deal to tell the woman I love that I want to run a race, but I had to fight back tears to a level that I have not fought them before. I could barely get the words out.
I know that this is the only things that will fulfill my need to keep Carson with me. I can sleep on his pillows and wrap up in his blankets and snuggle his stuffed animals, but that will not make him proud of his dad. That will not let his siblings know that when bad things happen, they can't stop us if we don't let them. I pray every day that my kids know why I am on the journey I am on. I tell them, but I hope they get it. I hope it clicks for them.
I look forward to posting blogs and getting VLOGS up on youtube as well. When you read this blog or watch a video on Youtube, I would ask that you say a prayer for my son and our family. We appreciate the support.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
I GET 2 TRI!
Things are different. Things are new. I am changing, physically, mentally and spiritually. I have changed my approach to many things. I am putting effort into new places. I view my fatherhood role differently.
I have always known that I was an example for my kids. The example that I worked hard to set was one of a hard worker and provider. Those were close to the same thing, because I worked hard at providing. While I am the main provider in the house, I can put the hard work in elsewhere and we will all still eat supper every night. I can be more devoted to my family and work harder on making me the best I can be and we will all still have a roof over our heads.
I have changed. I have devoted time to my family to simply have quality time. We like to fish together, we worship together, we walk together, we don't even usually go to the grocery without each other. We make every effort to take the time we have and make it great. We sing, we dance, we scare each other and we love each other. I committed at the end of April to training for and completing my first Sprint Distance Triathlon. On July 11th, I completed my first Sprint Distance Triathlon in Ogallala, NE. I love the sense of accomplishment that it came with, I love that I DID IT! What I love the most is that the people around me, those close to me know WHY I did it. It wasn't for me. There are certainly fringe benefits in it for me, like physical fitness and whatnot, but the real reason is for the memory of my angel Carson. For One Hour and Fifty Seven Minutes, I prayed. I asked Carson to give me is wings, I talked with him as if he were right there with me and when I finished, I knew that it wasn't just me who remembered.
When people find out you are training for a race, they want to know what your goals are. They want to know times and athletic goals, maybe weightloss or an inspirational fat to fit story. I don't have one. My goal is that I would continue to remember my son and that he would get to live through me if even for a short time. Every race this is the highest priority and this is the number one goal. To give him life again the only way that I know how.
This year Triathlon was added to the Special Olympics World Games in Los Angeles. Though Carson will never have the opportunity to race there, every fiber of my being believes that he would have been eventually. So I will continue to train, continue to swim, continue to bike, continue to run in hopes that you won't see me, but you will see him when you see me.
I am so blessed that I GET 2 TRI. I GET 2 TRI while he cannot. I will go farther for him, I will go faster for him and I will go longer for him. Between my angel and my Jesus, Nothing will stand in my way.
I have always known that I was an example for my kids. The example that I worked hard to set was one of a hard worker and provider. Those were close to the same thing, because I worked hard at providing. While I am the main provider in the house, I can put the hard work in elsewhere and we will all still eat supper every night. I can be more devoted to my family and work harder on making me the best I can be and we will all still have a roof over our heads.
I have changed. I have devoted time to my family to simply have quality time. We like to fish together, we worship together, we walk together, we don't even usually go to the grocery without each other. We make every effort to take the time we have and make it great. We sing, we dance, we scare each other and we love each other. I committed at the end of April to training for and completing my first Sprint Distance Triathlon. On July 11th, I completed my first Sprint Distance Triathlon in Ogallala, NE. I love the sense of accomplishment that it came with, I love that I DID IT! What I love the most is that the people around me, those close to me know WHY I did it. It wasn't for me. There are certainly fringe benefits in it for me, like physical fitness and whatnot, but the real reason is for the memory of my angel Carson. For One Hour and Fifty Seven Minutes, I prayed. I asked Carson to give me is wings, I talked with him as if he were right there with me and when I finished, I knew that it wasn't just me who remembered.
When people find out you are training for a race, they want to know what your goals are. They want to know times and athletic goals, maybe weightloss or an inspirational fat to fit story. I don't have one. My goal is that I would continue to remember my son and that he would get to live through me if even for a short time. Every race this is the highest priority and this is the number one goal. To give him life again the only way that I know how.
This year Triathlon was added to the Special Olympics World Games in Los Angeles. Though Carson will never have the opportunity to race there, every fiber of my being believes that he would have been eventually. So I will continue to train, continue to swim, continue to bike, continue to run in hopes that you won't see me, but you will see him when you see me.
I am so blessed that I GET 2 TRI. I GET 2 TRI while he cannot. I will go farther for him, I will go faster for him and I will go longer for him. Between my angel and my Jesus, Nothing will stand in my way.
Friday, May 1, 2015
The Numb Wears Off
It's been a while. Things are changing. Since my last post, we have had two of the kids' birthdays, Easter and some other things.
I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
I expected those family things to feel empty. I was ready for the grief that accompanied standard family get together things. The first birthdays without the little and big brother were hard. The times where we know that Carson would have been having a blast are hard. Easter was powerful this year. It was a time where we backed up and saw the big picture. We took solace in knowing that without Jesus, without Easter we would not have a chance to see our son again someday.
Those things were expectedly hard. There have been things that have hit me that were not expected.
We were back in our hometown and got together with our group of closest friends. Our friends have mostly had kids at this point and one of the things that we make sure we do when we can get all of them in one place is to take a picture.
While these pictures have like 8 or 10 kids or some obnoxious number, and they are always adorably hilarious, it was empty. I kept looking at the space on the couch and not the kids. I kept thinking about the fact that I no longer will be able to take any pictures of what he looks like as he grows up. It's hard.
Later on, my mom came to run a triathlon in town. As she rounded the last corner, face red as a fire truck and pouring sweat, my mother gathered the kids and finished the race with them. I was overjoyed at her opportunity to finish with them.
It was the first race I have ever gotten to see her run, as well as the first one that her grand children got to be part of. All I could think about was who wasn't finishing. I could not wrap my head and heart around the joy of the moment because I was being crushed. He missed out... again.
That weekend I decided that running a triathlon is something that I need to do. Carson was part of a program called Who I Run For http://www.whoirun4.com/ It is a very cool program. As I have started my training for the tri, I said to myself that if Kate can run for Carson, so can I. So in July I will be Swimming, Biking and Running for Carson.
I can't tell you how different things are for me today. For weeks after Carson's passing I have been numb. I have been in shock maybe? The full impact of the happenings had not yet hit me. I had not let the reality sink in, but now it is. Now things are starting to change. Things are getting harder.
This is the time that it is most crucial to lean on God. I am not talking about leaning over a little bit, I feel like I have leaned off of a cliff and have been in a free fall. I know that God isn't going to let me hit the ground. He is with me every step of the way. I have to keep my eyes to Him and keep my heart focused. Let Him have my burden because without Him it will be unbearable. Please know that no matter what you are facing, Jesus is not afraid of it. It is never too big for Him to conquer or too small for Him to care. I would encourage you to give it to Him, He cares.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
The Practicality is Yucky
What a month. March came in like a mild mannered emu and is headed out as a sort of lame zebra. In some aspects, March has been good, but I am still noticeably numb. The upsides of things just aren't as high, but the down sides of things aren't as low. I have been to a really low point and it helps to put things in perspective. I never feel bad, but I just don't feel as great as I once did.
There have been things this past month that I have done, not done and avoided but still had to do them later. Laundry. I avoided laundry the best I could until every body in the house was wearing clothes that smelled like the north end of a south bound horse. My mom did offer to do the laundry while she was here, but I told her that her job was to enjoy the kids. Oops. I have a laundry system. I have specific places on the bed for each pile because we have more piles than most houses. 7. We have 7 piles of people clothes... or we did. We now have 6 piles of clothes. I found myself staring at the bed, unable to convince my hands that they would be a pile short. I was unable to tell myself that spreading out the piles a little bit was ok.
I am a systems kind of guy. When my systems get monkeyed with, that is when I feel it the most. I had an emotional breakdown doing the laundry that day. I could not make sense of anything for a few minutes. I have a system for laundry, dishes, picking up dog poop, eating meals and any other thing you can think of. There were quite a few that involved Carson, but laundry and the budget are the two that I have noticed the most.
I hate it. I hate that my budget is different. I hate that the laundry doesn't take as long. I hate that things are different because I know why they are different. It is uncomfortable.
Now that I got through the parts of the month that threw off my game, let's dive into the cool stuff. This month on March 21st was World DS Day. We celebrated our buddy. We also had the Step Up for DS Walk in Kearney on the 28th. It was so awesome! Not just because the organizers were so wonderful, but we sold 150 Carsonian Crushers T-Shirts (Thanks everybody)! Not everyone could show up, but I thank everyone who did. It was a day of remembering and celebrating our special little man and supporting other families. We met a little guy who was a hugger. He was 3 and that hug meant more to me than anything else that happened that day. I was surprised that I did not lose my mind and sob all over him, because that is exactly what I was doing inside.
When I think about the way that I am feeling I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the man who was unable to walk and for about 40 years he hung out by the pool waiting to be healed. This man had it way worse than me. He probably had serious bed sores, body odor, nasty teeth and all sorts of gross. Jesus walked up to him and asked if he would like to be well. Of course after 40 years of sitting, he kind of had an attitude, but then asked Jesus to heal him. Jesus did.
That is incredible. 40 years of laying around and waiting for someone to come and throw him in the pool at the right time and Jesus walks up and asks if he wants to be better. If Jesus can take the pain from that man and countless others I know that he can take mine, but only as fast as I let him. If you are hurting, if you are struggling, I would invite you to ask Jesus to treat you like the man by the pool and let Him heal a little piece of you.
Jesus loves you and so do I.
There have been things this past month that I have done, not done and avoided but still had to do them later. Laundry. I avoided laundry the best I could until every body in the house was wearing clothes that smelled like the north end of a south bound horse. My mom did offer to do the laundry while she was here, but I told her that her job was to enjoy the kids. Oops. I have a laundry system. I have specific places on the bed for each pile because we have more piles than most houses. 7. We have 7 piles of people clothes... or we did. We now have 6 piles of clothes. I found myself staring at the bed, unable to convince my hands that they would be a pile short. I was unable to tell myself that spreading out the piles a little bit was ok.
I am a systems kind of guy. When my systems get monkeyed with, that is when I feel it the most. I had an emotional breakdown doing the laundry that day. I could not make sense of anything for a few minutes. I have a system for laundry, dishes, picking up dog poop, eating meals and any other thing you can think of. There were quite a few that involved Carson, but laundry and the budget are the two that I have noticed the most.
I hate it. I hate that my budget is different. I hate that the laundry doesn't take as long. I hate that things are different because I know why they are different. It is uncomfortable.
Now that I got through the parts of the month that threw off my game, let's dive into the cool stuff. This month on March 21st was World DS Day. We celebrated our buddy. We also had the Step Up for DS Walk in Kearney on the 28th. It was so awesome! Not just because the organizers were so wonderful, but we sold 150 Carsonian Crushers T-Shirts (Thanks everybody)! Not everyone could show up, but I thank everyone who did. It was a day of remembering and celebrating our special little man and supporting other families. We met a little guy who was a hugger. He was 3 and that hug meant more to me than anything else that happened that day. I was surprised that I did not lose my mind and sob all over him, because that is exactly what I was doing inside.
When I think about the way that I am feeling I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the man who was unable to walk and for about 40 years he hung out by the pool waiting to be healed. This man had it way worse than me. He probably had serious bed sores, body odor, nasty teeth and all sorts of gross. Jesus walked up to him and asked if he would like to be well. Of course after 40 years of sitting, he kind of had an attitude, but then asked Jesus to heal him. Jesus did.
That is incredible. 40 years of laying around and waiting for someone to come and throw him in the pool at the right time and Jesus walks up and asks if he wants to be better. If Jesus can take the pain from that man and countless others I know that he can take mine, but only as fast as I let him. If you are hurting, if you are struggling, I would invite you to ask Jesus to treat you like the man by the pool and let Him heal a little piece of you.
Jesus loves you and so do I.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Time with my Buddy
A new month. A time to recognize that things aren't going to be the same. Things have been starting to sink in for all of us. We went to church on a Wednesday Night and the kids start out by playing a bunch of games and singing together. After that gets done, they head to their classrooms to have their lessons. Well, Cecilia had a fun night playing and singing, but then told Mom that she did not want to go to class. When Mom asked why, she responded that "Carson always goes to class with me." That definitely pulled at the heart strings. Still looking for a new normal.
Carson is missed in a big way. We endured our first family celebration without him. It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday. Grandparents came to town and we had a great time. Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together. For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate. We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.
Grief has taken a new form. I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me. He told me something that really hit home. He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time. He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now. We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now. It hit me. I know now that I can't go 80. I have tried. I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it. I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me. It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that. I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen. It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.
I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to. God does that. A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple. I invited the youth of our church and had some takers. We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did. Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me. I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little. I smiled, it was good. The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled. Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job. They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him. It was a quality message. Not what hit me though. The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship. So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke. They sang How He Loves. Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt. I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face. I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight. That little girl danced all night. We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.
I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.
God has come through for me. He will come through for you. Just ask him.
Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.
The Dad who dads
Carson is missed in a big way. We endured our first family celebration without him. It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday. Grandparents came to town and we had a great time. Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together. For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate. We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.
Grief has taken a new form. I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me. He told me something that really hit home. He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time. He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now. We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now. It hit me. I know now that I can't go 80. I have tried. I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it. I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me. It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that. I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen. It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.
I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to. God does that. A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple. I invited the youth of our church and had some takers. We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did. Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me. I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little. I smiled, it was good. The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled. Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job. They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him. It was a quality message. Not what hit me though. The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship. So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke. They sang How He Loves. Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt. I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face. I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight. That little girl danced all night. We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.
I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.
God has come through for me. He will come through for you. Just ask him.
Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.
The Dad who dads
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Beauty and the Guilt Beast
It is Thursday. This has been an interesting week. We have done things as a family again. We went to the park, we had pizza, I went back to work, we went to church. None of it was normal yet, none of it didn't hurt, none of it wasn't empty and different, but all of it was good.
We have had some good days, some iffy times, some sadness and grief. We had pizza. We ordered the normal amount and we have quite a bit left over. That is sad on multiple levels, one because Carson wasn't here to eat it and the other because we have left over pizza.
The park was great, except we were minus one. The kids weren't sad, the parents were sad and happy. Our children have never been to the park and been the focus of all of our attention because Carson would run all over hell and gone and if you were't watching he would run all the way to Lord knows where. The other 4 kids were used to having to keep eyes out for each other and be ready to help if we needed it. That pressure wasn't there at the park. As Julie took the kids to the playground, I took Niner the dog to the dog park. He loved it, by the way. I did not feel guilty leaving Julie with all of them while I watched the dog. It was strange. We felt guilty that we didn't feel that pressure, like we were betraying him. I returned to the park to find Julie fully invested in a set of swings with the 4 kids and it was beautiful. It was beautiful to see my wife play with Carson and the kids too. It was just different and still beautiful.
I don't want you to read the wrong thing. I want you to read that I LOVED the old normal more than anything that I could dream of, but a new normal will have to do. There is no way around it. There is no way to put it lightly and there is no good reason to dance around it. Things are different and they will be. Things function differently and no matter how much I wish and pray that time could rewind it won't. There are 4 more kids in this home that need my love, that need my effort, that need my dadding.
It isn't always going to be easy. Every morning Julie and I lay in bed and I look her in the eyes. Together we pray and make a commitment to that day to love God, love each other and love the kids and do what is best for them that day.
We got a book from a dear friend of ours that is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry". Let me tell you, first off that is a fairly misleading title for at least the first 19 times we read it, probably more. In our house, we do mucho singing. We sing, we dance, we music and have a blast. There is a page that talks about how beautiful his voice is when he sings in heaven. We REALLY like that page. It is a beautiful book that has brought much healing.
Keep God in front of you and your people next to you.
Goodnight.
We have had some good days, some iffy times, some sadness and grief. We had pizza. We ordered the normal amount and we have quite a bit left over. That is sad on multiple levels, one because Carson wasn't here to eat it and the other because we have left over pizza.
The park was great, except we were minus one. The kids weren't sad, the parents were sad and happy. Our children have never been to the park and been the focus of all of our attention because Carson would run all over hell and gone and if you were't watching he would run all the way to Lord knows where. The other 4 kids were used to having to keep eyes out for each other and be ready to help if we needed it. That pressure wasn't there at the park. As Julie took the kids to the playground, I took Niner the dog to the dog park. He loved it, by the way. I did not feel guilty leaving Julie with all of them while I watched the dog. It was strange. We felt guilty that we didn't feel that pressure, like we were betraying him. I returned to the park to find Julie fully invested in a set of swings with the 4 kids and it was beautiful. It was beautiful to see my wife play with Carson and the kids too. It was just different and still beautiful.
I don't want you to read the wrong thing. I want you to read that I LOVED the old normal more than anything that I could dream of, but a new normal will have to do. There is no way around it. There is no way to put it lightly and there is no good reason to dance around it. Things are different and they will be. Things function differently and no matter how much I wish and pray that time could rewind it won't. There are 4 more kids in this home that need my love, that need my effort, that need my dadding.
It isn't always going to be easy. Every morning Julie and I lay in bed and I look her in the eyes. Together we pray and make a commitment to that day to love God, love each other and love the kids and do what is best for them that day.
We got a book from a dear friend of ours that is called "Mommy, Please Don't Cry". Let me tell you, first off that is a fairly misleading title for at least the first 19 times we read it, probably more. In our house, we do mucho singing. We sing, we dance, we music and have a blast. There is a page that talks about how beautiful his voice is when he sings in heaven. We REALLY like that page. It is a beautiful book that has brought much healing.
Keep God in front of you and your people next to you.
Goodnight.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Little Things
The last couple days have been different. All of the family is home, we are now a family unit again. Unfortunately we are a family unit that is not the same. We fit at the dining room table, a family that had nobody scooting around the dinner table finishing the plates of everyone who walked away. When the kids play, it is still too quiet. When we get ready to leave the house, we have to dig around and passed Carson's shoes. We only put on 4 coats, his sits in the closet. There are a million things that are reminders. Not just what I listed, but countless things that you can't prepare for. Sometimes we holler at him to get ready with us, It is a constant battle against the empty.
As we search for a new normal, we will have good days and we will have bad days. My wife had a rough and emotional day yesterday and I had a rough evening the night before. Part of the recovery process is being able to support my better half in her rough days and her in mine. I have always tried to be a rock for her. I try my best to hold her up, but sometimes I just don't know what to do or say. When I don't know what to do, I just hold her. There has been a lot of just holding. Holding because there are not words, holding because anything else might be wrong. Holding, talking, supporting my wife are all things that help me cope, help me heal. I don't know how to be vulnerable, but I know how to cradle my wife when she is at her most vulnerable. Doing what I know is healing, it takes me steps down my own road and on my own journey.
Today, my wife and one of her friends were supposed to head to another town about 40 minutes away and go to a meeting. Her friend had a sick kiddo and couldn't go. Our initial plan was that it wasn't a problem and she would just drive and come back. I asked if she was ready to be alone with her thoughts for 40 minutes at a time and then we all loaded the car and headed out on the road. This was healing to me, to know that I was there for her when she needed me the most. Even if she didn't really know that she did. Best part of the day? I found crispy M&M's for her!
Today's moral, I guess, is that there are good days and bad days and good things and bad things and you might not know which one is which right away. I think as the days go forward and the Lord guides us, we will be able to have fewer bads and more goods.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
I Don't Emote
Tonight is one of those nights. I am not even sure what I am feeling. Empty, broken, scared, anxious, tired, exhausted or some mixture of or maybe all of or maybe none. I have no idea.
I have been stable for a few days. I have been in an OK place. I have been at a place where I could be strong for everyone else. That is not where I am tonight, but I don't know where I am.
We met with the investigator this morning and ran through everything one more time. It was a conversation that I almost enjoyed. We were with him for probably an hour and only spent about 15 minutes on that morning. The rest of the time we talked about Carson's life, his birth, and all sorts of things. It was unexpected and enjoyable. The best part was the policeman using all of his equipment to break into a car in the parking lot. His car. To get his keys back. It was entertaining.
We ran some more errands, we did some more things. I can't find any triggers for my mood. I keep reliving my day trying to explain my mood, but I can't. I realized that I don't need to. I belong to no one. My feelings, my moods are exactly that, they are mine. I can own them. I want to own them, but it is really hard to do that. It is really hard for me to just feel. I don't emote very often. My emotions are happy, happier and off the charts.
I am used to being the strongest, the pillar where people crumble and I hold them up. I am not sure how to ask for help, I am not sure what to even ask for. I have no idea and that, I believe is the hardest part for me. I am not sure how to be vulnerable because I don't like to be.
There are not many places besides the presence of my God, my Father that I can be truly vulnerable. Today my prayer has been that I could find permission from Him and myself to feel and for the strength to own my feelings. To know that the perception of other people doesn't matter. What matters is that I can feel what I feel because it is what I am feeling and I can give myself permission to do that.
I have been stable for a few days. I have been in an OK place. I have been at a place where I could be strong for everyone else. That is not where I am tonight, but I don't know where I am.
We met with the investigator this morning and ran through everything one more time. It was a conversation that I almost enjoyed. We were with him for probably an hour and only spent about 15 minutes on that morning. The rest of the time we talked about Carson's life, his birth, and all sorts of things. It was unexpected and enjoyable. The best part was the policeman using all of his equipment to break into a car in the parking lot. His car. To get his keys back. It was entertaining.
We ran some more errands, we did some more things. I can't find any triggers for my mood. I keep reliving my day trying to explain my mood, but I can't. I realized that I don't need to. I belong to no one. My feelings, my moods are exactly that, they are mine. I can own them. I want to own them, but it is really hard to do that. It is really hard for me to just feel. I don't emote very often. My emotions are happy, happier and off the charts.
I am used to being the strongest, the pillar where people crumble and I hold them up. I am not sure how to ask for help, I am not sure what to even ask for. I have no idea and that, I believe is the hardest part for me. I am not sure how to be vulnerable because I don't like to be.
There are not many places besides the presence of my God, my Father that I can be truly vulnerable. Today my prayer has been that I could find permission from Him and myself to feel and for the strength to own my feelings. To know that the perception of other people doesn't matter. What matters is that I can feel what I feel because it is what I am feeling and I can give myself permission to do that.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
A New Normal
Today we began our next mission. We began to search for a new normal. We loved our old normal, we were used to our old normal, we would have given everything to keep our old normal, but now it is time for something new. As we go on this search, we have many things to face. We have to face how things are changing, not just in a Carson isn't with us kind of way, but in a how do we function as a family without Carson here way. This means getting in and out of the car, it means bed time, it means meals, church, book shelves.
It means that I feel guilty when I use the words easier, quicker, less difficult and other such things. Under normal circumstances using these words for a child that you lost would make you feel bad, yes, but I am a parent of a child with a disability too. A child that never heard a negative word about his or any other disability. We did not see anything with him as a chore, we didn't see it as too difficult. We chose not to do some things because of the speed with which he would undo them, like books on the shelf in an orderly fashion. Carson would have those books back on the floor before you even stood up, so they were in piles on the shelf because it was easier that way. There are lots of little things like that. Those little things make me feel the worst, but they are part of everything. Maybe one day I will feel less guilty for making observations about the practicality of our new normal, our new reality.
We had a service at church for Ash Wednesday tonight, it was the first time that I grabbed my guitar and sang for people since everything happened. Tonight I didn't sing for people, I sang for my precious Carson. I sang for him. We sang How He Loves/Come As Your Are by David Crowder. If you haven't heard either of these songs, you need to. You need to so much that here are links to them. Come As Your Are and here is How He Loves there is much healing in the lyrics of these songs. It is more than words, it is an all out prayer. One more Crowder bit can explain most of how I long for my son right now SMS Shine.
Weeks ago, our worship leader and I chose these two songs. This last week, this difficult week How He Loves has been the song that is on constant repeat in my head. I can't get around it, so tonight I sang for my best buddy.
It seems a stark contrast when I think about feelings of anger, regret, despair and sadness that I could be feeling and all I can think is how he loves us. My God loves me, my God loves you, my God loves Carson. I cannot get around the feeling of love.
My wife and I have made a commitment to ourselves that we will never let ourselves be perched above God. He is our number one, above ourselves and above all else. On our search for a new normal, that is step one. It would be far to easy to forget that he loves us, so we committed not to. I don't want a new normal, I need a new normal and I am going to make new normal almost as good as old normal.
It means that I feel guilty when I use the words easier, quicker, less difficult and other such things. Under normal circumstances using these words for a child that you lost would make you feel bad, yes, but I am a parent of a child with a disability too. A child that never heard a negative word about his or any other disability. We did not see anything with him as a chore, we didn't see it as too difficult. We chose not to do some things because of the speed with which he would undo them, like books on the shelf in an orderly fashion. Carson would have those books back on the floor before you even stood up, so they were in piles on the shelf because it was easier that way. There are lots of little things like that. Those little things make me feel the worst, but they are part of everything. Maybe one day I will feel less guilty for making observations about the practicality of our new normal, our new reality.
We had a service at church for Ash Wednesday tonight, it was the first time that I grabbed my guitar and sang for people since everything happened. Tonight I didn't sing for people, I sang for my precious Carson. I sang for him. We sang How He Loves/Come As Your Are by David Crowder. If you haven't heard either of these songs, you need to. You need to so much that here are links to them. Come As Your Are and here is How He Loves there is much healing in the lyrics of these songs. It is more than words, it is an all out prayer. One more Crowder bit can explain most of how I long for my son right now SMS Shine.
Weeks ago, our worship leader and I chose these two songs. This last week, this difficult week How He Loves has been the song that is on constant repeat in my head. I can't get around it, so tonight I sang for my best buddy.
It seems a stark contrast when I think about feelings of anger, regret, despair and sadness that I could be feeling and all I can think is how he loves us. My God loves me, my God loves you, my God loves Carson. I cannot get around the feeling of love.
My wife and I have made a commitment to ourselves that we will never let ourselves be perched above God. He is our number one, above ourselves and above all else. On our search for a new normal, that is step one. It would be far to easy to forget that he loves us, so we committed not to. I don't want a new normal, I need a new normal and I am going to make new normal almost as good as old normal.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
So much to comprehend
It is over. The people high, the busyness, the happy and sad faces, its all done.
We received family and friends Sunday night and had a vespers service. I would love to tell you that we had a vespers service because it is what Carson would have wanted, but I can't. We asked to have a vespers service because I needed it. I needed a time of music and prayer that would heal me. It didn't have to be a sanctuary with all of those people, it could have been me, the pastor and the worship leader. During that service I prayed. I prayed hard. I needed it. It was a unique opportunity for people to pray with me. My brother came to my side during my prayer and we prayed together for the first time in years. We cried together for the first time in a decade. Healing happened in the sanctuary that night. Jesus and Carson were with us.
It was extremely important to me that the flowers from Kylie were next to Carson. I know that she is playing with my baby and that made me feel like the two of them were closer. I always told my church kids that I loved them like my own kids. I feel like that is still true.
After joining the club that nobody wants to be a part of, my heart goes out too all of the members with this terrible common denominator. Losing a child is not easy, it is not fun, and I certainly have hated every minute of it, but I know that I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Phillippians 4:13
I have the opportunity now to minister to a new group of people and hopefully bring them to see that it isn't God that took them, but rather received.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Worried
I was worried about it. I was worried about everyone showing up. With every new face it was a little more real. I don't want to send out the wrong signal, I greatly appreciate that everyone has come to be with us and help us to mourn our precious baby. I owe all of you thick, heavy gratitude. The presence of people and the show of support from our community has been above and beyond anything that we have known.
I know what happened. I was there for everything. I gave him CPR on the floor until the paramedics arrived. I am aware that I sat waiting in the consultation room while they worked on him. I was there when the woman came in and told us that it could not be going any worse. I was there when they did all they could do. I was there and even though I was there, this is so surreal. I am not even sure that it is happening. Every time I see a new person, hug someone, go to another thing, it gets more real. Well, tonight it got extra real. A couple hundred people gathered at First UMC to mourn my son. I saw people from Omaha, lincoln, Denver, cozad, north platte, Kansas and probably a million more, all there to support us in a time of crisis. I loved seeing that many people, but it kept getting more and more real. Finally, Julie and I walked down the aisle where my baby's urn waited for us. It's real.
As I looked at the flowers all around I noticed one in particular that was on the main table behind Carson's urn. They have a glass cross and they are beautiful. They came from the Remmeried family. This is a family who is quite dear to my heart. Their daughter was in a car accident and I was with them through much of the process. The people that placed the flowers know nothing of this. To them it just looked the best. To me it was a sign that my baby is not alone, my baby is in great hands and my baby is happy.
I was worried. I was worried about the emotions I would have when we met people who had just shown up. The more people, the more real everything became. After I saw those flowers, I knew that if God took care of something little like that he was caring for me perfectly. I find peace in that. I'm not worried.
Friday, February 13, 2015
The Difference
We woke up this morning. Nothing was different. We felt awful. We woke up to tears of realization when there were still 4 kids and not 5 kids in their beds. Everything still hurt. We couldn't get away from the fact that yesterday our 4-year old had suddenly passed away. It was our first time waking up without him.
We spent time with family and met at the funeral home to make arrangements. The decisions were not difficult in the sense that we couldn't agree, but difficult to stomach having to make them. Our families were wonderful and even if they didn't like our choices they said nothing and supported us. Through all of that, we were reminded that we didn't feel different. We were reminded that the situation wasn't different.
Carson will be cremated. That was our choice. Tonight we had a personal family viewing. Julie and I went first and after some time with Carson, we invited his big brother in to say goodbye and then everyone else. The whole time, nothing was different. I was broken. I was tattered. I was shrinking, soon to be shut out by grief. As everyone said their peace, Julie and I returned to the side of our son and prayed with him one last time. Something was different.
After everyone had left Julie asked if she could hold him one more time. As I saw the perfect mother and child, something was different. I also held him and talked to him and told him what I needed him to know. At one point his face looked to smile back at me. Something changed, something was different.
Something indeed was different. There isn't a way to describe the peace and comfort that I felt holding him one more time. We prayed, cried, talked and asked him for forgiveness. There was nothing that we could have done differently, but we still apologized and asked for forgiveness.
Things are different. God blessed me with 4 years that have taught me more than 4 years at the most expensive universities could have. The patience, the hope, the love, and the presence. If nothing else, be present for your kids, you never know when they will need to be present for you. They can only be what you model for them. Tonight, Carson was present for me. Tonight, the Lord was present for me and right now that makes all the difference.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
My son, my God
Today was a day of endurance. The worst day of my life. Today, I watched my 4-year old's life slip away as he went to play on Heaven's playground.
It's a strange thing, I was not afraid. I was not in despair, I did not try to hide from the truth of what was happening. I ran to the arms of Jesus and did the only thing I could... I prayed. At the house, I prayed my efforts of CPR would reset my precious baby and that he would come back to me. At the hospital, I prayed for the guidance of the hands of all those trying to save his life. Now I pray for peace, strength, and guidance for the days ahead.
Carson, my 4-year-old, had down's syndrome. This means the through a genetic defect, he was better at loving, happier, smilier and all around far more fun to be with than I am. I must say that this child was a delight. He rarely had a bad day and was always ready for hugs and snuggles. He loved giving kisses and being silly.
Some people will console us by saying that it was his time, that God called him home, that they needed a new angel in heaven and other worn out poorly thought out regurgitated lines of consolation, but it is wrong. I don't know about your God, but mine doesn't take lives to teach a lesson. My God doesn't NEED anything from me, He's God. My God doesn't take, he receives. He received my son today but was no happier to do it than I was to let him go. He is cradling my dear Carson with tears in His eyes as I lay in bed feeling empty. God is not simply a big guy moving the pieces on the board and making sacrifices of this piece and that, He hurts because I hurt. He cries because my pain is His pain.
I know that God is not only standing with us through this but in us. He is in the response of our closest friends as well as the folks who take the time to help out that we barely know. I pray that others can be drawn to Christ through our ordeal.
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
Being Present when it Counts
So... I know that you come here to read good and poignant stuff, but today I am not so sure. It was one of those self realization moments. Sometimes, no matter what you do, your kids will beat you at whatever game they are dictating to you at any given moment, but being there for the game is the important part.
A few days ago, I was playing with the kids in the backyard and we have one of those plastic kids basketball hoops.
Well, my 8 year old has become fairly proficient at making baskets with a worn out old Nerf ball. I, however, have not put in the practice time necessary to consistently make any baskets on this hoop or with that ball. We played a rousing game of P-I-G and he eeked past me to win.
Every day after school, my son comes over to the church I work at for quiet homework and reading time and after that, maybe some screw around time. Usually there is another kid he likes to play with, but yesterday he wasn't there. After I finished up some work, I decided that it was time.
I am kind of a sore loser. Back in the day I was "Charismatic" about winning and now I am simply grumbly about losing. The church has a small fellowship hall with a real basketball hoop. So yesterday, we played H-O-R-S-E. I got no letters and creamed the poor kid. We had tons of fun playing, but I reminded him that Dad is still the king of the court. I won.
Last night was not a game that I was going to win. My 4 year old has Down Syndrome. It is most definitely not what defines him, but it is something that is part of our lives and always will be. Anyhow, he and I don't always communicate on the same plane as he does with his mother, who is a saint. Last night we were both at a loss. About an hour after going to bed, he began to cry. His stomach was hard, distended. We thought that some time on the toilet was in order... nothing. He calmed down and we laid him back down. 15 minutes later, here he is sobbing again. We knew that his tummy hurt, or his head hurt or some combination of the two, but we had run out of the kinds of medicine that would treat such ailments. Finally, after fighting this until about midnight, I ran to the store and picked up some baby gas drops and some tums. I returned home, hoping to quiet the bubble-guts inside of this tired 4 year old, No Luck. After he got a dose of medicine, he barfed. Then about 20 minutes later, he barfed. On and on for a while until the poor kid was absolutely empty. I need you to know that this child has had many digestive issues and stomach issues and things, so this type of barfing is not out of the ordinary for him when he gets sick. Had it been any of the other kids, we probably would have called a doctor. For the rest of the night, he would cry for ten minutes and sleep for ten minutes. Until 7 o'clock in the morning.
My wife and I tried taking shifts, but our house is not terribly large and I am a very light sleeper. I didn't do much "sleeping" during her shift. Eventually her back could not fight with a cuddly roly-poly squirmy octopus boy and I switched spots with her. I held my ground until 7 and then since he hadn't barfed in a few hours, I took him to snuggle with me while Julie got the kids ready for school and such. He was, at that point, out cold. No fighting, no rolling, no nothing. He was sleeping and I was not. Did he win? I think the game was about more than sleep.
The game, I think, was to see how far we could push mom and dad before they would stop being present for the situation. Well, he found out. As a father, I try to be present as much as possible. Not that I try to be around, but I try to be present, be part of the things going on, answer questions, beat an 8 year old at HORSE, play or whatever my kiddos need from me at the time. So even though I am super tired sitting at my desk, I know that for all those hours last night, I was present and my kids knew that. Don't settle for being around, you are not part of the environment. You are a parent, an integral and important part of your child growing up and forming into an adult that people want to be around. Be present.
A few days ago, I was playing with the kids in the backyard and we have one of those plastic kids basketball hoops.
Well, my 8 year old has become fairly proficient at making baskets with a worn out old Nerf ball. I, however, have not put in the practice time necessary to consistently make any baskets on this hoop or with that ball. We played a rousing game of P-I-G and he eeked past me to win.
Every day after school, my son comes over to the church I work at for quiet homework and reading time and after that, maybe some screw around time. Usually there is another kid he likes to play with, but yesterday he wasn't there. After I finished up some work, I decided that it was time.
I am kind of a sore loser. Back in the day I was "Charismatic" about winning and now I am simply grumbly about losing. The church has a small fellowship hall with a real basketball hoop. So yesterday, we played H-O-R-S-E. I got no letters and creamed the poor kid. We had tons of fun playing, but I reminded him that Dad is still the king of the court. I won.
Last night was not a game that I was going to win. My 4 year old has Down Syndrome. It is most definitely not what defines him, but it is something that is part of our lives and always will be. Anyhow, he and I don't always communicate on the same plane as he does with his mother, who is a saint. Last night we were both at a loss. About an hour after going to bed, he began to cry. His stomach was hard, distended. We thought that some time on the toilet was in order... nothing. He calmed down and we laid him back down. 15 minutes later, here he is sobbing again. We knew that his tummy hurt, or his head hurt or some combination of the two, but we had run out of the kinds of medicine that would treat such ailments. Finally, after fighting this until about midnight, I ran to the store and picked up some baby gas drops and some tums. I returned home, hoping to quiet the bubble-guts inside of this tired 4 year old, No Luck. After he got a dose of medicine, he barfed. Then about 20 minutes later, he barfed. On and on for a while until the poor kid was absolutely empty. I need you to know that this child has had many digestive issues and stomach issues and things, so this type of barfing is not out of the ordinary for him when he gets sick. Had it been any of the other kids, we probably would have called a doctor. For the rest of the night, he would cry for ten minutes and sleep for ten minutes. Until 7 o'clock in the morning.
My wife and I tried taking shifts, but our house is not terribly large and I am a very light sleeper. I didn't do much "sleeping" during her shift. Eventually her back could not fight with a cuddly roly-poly squirmy octopus boy and I switched spots with her. I held my ground until 7 and then since he hadn't barfed in a few hours, I took him to snuggle with me while Julie got the kids ready for school and such. He was, at that point, out cold. No fighting, no rolling, no nothing. He was sleeping and I was not. Did he win? I think the game was about more than sleep.
The game, I think, was to see how far we could push mom and dad before they would stop being present for the situation. Well, he found out. As a father, I try to be present as much as possible. Not that I try to be around, but I try to be present, be part of the things going on, answer questions, beat an 8 year old at HORSE, play or whatever my kiddos need from me at the time. So even though I am super tired sitting at my desk, I know that for all those hours last night, I was present and my kids knew that. Don't settle for being around, you are not part of the environment. You are a parent, an integral and important part of your child growing up and forming into an adult that people want to be around. Be present.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Maybe I am a Liar
Well, one blog in and I am already a liar. I have decided that the first blog I wrote and my motivation for writing a blog should be amended. So. Here is the real deal. This blog is more for me to keep my priorities in the forefront. My God, my wife, my family, my job and being outdoors. Those are my top 5. You can agree or disagree, but that is where my priorities fall. In that order.
My God is most important. Why? I am sure as I spend some time writing, you will come to see what makes it important. I don't want to give it all away right now. For the time being, please know that it is important and we will get there.
My wife. If I ever get to a point where my wife is less important than anything but Jesus, I am probably going to be in trouble soon. I do not worship my wife, i respect, trust and love my wife. I will probably post some super silly stories about her and probably even some that make you think "there is no way she ok'd this!" Trust me, she did. It's the internet, she would eventually see it.
My family. We have 5 kids. They range in age between 18 months and 8 years old. Now remember that as I say that, there are 5 of them, so chances are that in about 2 months one of them will change ages. By the time you read this, they may be waaaaay older. Who knows!
My Job. I am a youth minister and church communications guy. I hang out with Students from pre-k to 12th grade and make semi cool graphics and things for publication. I also build and maintain the website for the church and such. It is a pretty sweet gig. From the outside in, it looks like I get to horse around a lot. Well...
Being outdoors is one thing that I really love and I connect with God in a very meaningful way. I am a hunter, (terrible) fisherman, hiker, wanderer, I am really good at sitting, and falling asleep under trees is one of my specialties.
I look forward to sharing silly stories, hunting stories, lying about fishing and keeping an eye out for God moments. I am not sure at what point each week I am going to update, but I am planning on trying to get there once a week.
Have a great week and I am sure that I will share more soon.
My God is most important. Why? I am sure as I spend some time writing, you will come to see what makes it important. I don't want to give it all away right now. For the time being, please know that it is important and we will get there.
My wife. If I ever get to a point where my wife is less important than anything but Jesus, I am probably going to be in trouble soon. I do not worship my wife, i respect, trust and love my wife. I will probably post some super silly stories about her and probably even some that make you think "there is no way she ok'd this!" Trust me, she did. It's the internet, she would eventually see it.
My family. We have 5 kids. They range in age between 18 months and 8 years old. Now remember that as I say that, there are 5 of them, so chances are that in about 2 months one of them will change ages. By the time you read this, they may be waaaaay older. Who knows!
My Job. I am a youth minister and church communications guy. I hang out with Students from pre-k to 12th grade and make semi cool graphics and things for publication. I also build and maintain the website for the church and such. It is a pretty sweet gig. From the outside in, it looks like I get to horse around a lot. Well...
Being outdoors is one thing that I really love and I connect with God in a very meaningful way. I am a hunter, (terrible) fisherman, hiker, wanderer, I am really good at sitting, and falling asleep under trees is one of my specialties.
I look forward to sharing silly stories, hunting stories, lying about fishing and keeping an eye out for God moments. I am not sure at what point each week I am going to update, but I am planning on trying to get there once a week.
Have a great week and I am sure that I will share more soon.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Pheasants and Stuff
Oh man...
Deer, pheasants, ducks, turkeys, geese, squirrels, rabbits, doves and anything else that tastes good. I love the opportunity to get out and be in creation. There is nothing better than an adventure in the woods no matter what you are after. In this blog, I plan to share stories of the ways that I have screwed up hunting and also the lessons that I have learned about it. I don't plan on posting once a week or every other week or anything, I plan on posting when I feel like it. Probably after I go hunting or outdoorsing.
Over the last month I was introduced to pheasant hunting. What a blast! It is so much fun! If you aren't doing it than you need to. you get to walk, talk and shoot. What is better? We had 5 guys, we had 3 guys, we had 2 guys and it seems like 4 or 5 is about perfect. We also had a great bird dog. She was awesome.
This last weekend, we had some interesting things happen. First, the dog grabbed a live bird (hen) that just wouldn't flush. She expired after the dog grabbed her, so we took the bird home and did kind of an autopsy to find out why she wouldn't move. It seems like someone maybe had peppered her and left her. In Nebraska, we shoot roosters only. Easy to see how someone would have left her, but she had a big chunk out of the feathers on one wing and some damage inside. Her insides also smelled awful, so we won't be eating her.
The other thing was that we kind of winged a bird and he went down. As the dog approached him, he got up and ran. We started tracking him and realized that his tracks looked a little strange. We caught a glimpse of him as he gave up and expired just ahead of us. The dog brought him back and we tucked him in the pouch and kept hunting. When we got back to the truck, we looked at his spurs only they weren't there. Nothing. No feet, no nothing. No wonder his tracks looked funny.
Over all, through the month of January, we had many reasons to thank the Lord. I shot my first couple of birds and gained some great new hunting buddies. Our travels to and from have been interesting to say the least, but they wound up safe and injury free. My kids love to see the birds come home and together we make sure that we thank the Lord for the animals that we were given. We are blessed beyond reason. '
I think that now we are moving into shed hunting and turkey time! Woohoo! I am sure that you will hear from me soon.
Deer, pheasants, ducks, turkeys, geese, squirrels, rabbits, doves and anything else that tastes good. I love the opportunity to get out and be in creation. There is nothing better than an adventure in the woods no matter what you are after. In this blog, I plan to share stories of the ways that I have screwed up hunting and also the lessons that I have learned about it. I don't plan on posting once a week or every other week or anything, I plan on posting when I feel like it. Probably after I go hunting or outdoorsing.
Over the last month I was introduced to pheasant hunting. What a blast! It is so much fun! If you aren't doing it than you need to. you get to walk, talk and shoot. What is better? We had 5 guys, we had 3 guys, we had 2 guys and it seems like 4 or 5 is about perfect. We also had a great bird dog. She was awesome.
This last weekend, we had some interesting things happen. First, the dog grabbed a live bird (hen) that just wouldn't flush. She expired after the dog grabbed her, so we took the bird home and did kind of an autopsy to find out why she wouldn't move. It seems like someone maybe had peppered her and left her. In Nebraska, we shoot roosters only. Easy to see how someone would have left her, but she had a big chunk out of the feathers on one wing and some damage inside. Her insides also smelled awful, so we won't be eating her.
The other thing was that we kind of winged a bird and he went down. As the dog approached him, he got up and ran. We started tracking him and realized that his tracks looked a little strange. We caught a glimpse of him as he gave up and expired just ahead of us. The dog brought him back and we tucked him in the pouch and kept hunting. When we got back to the truck, we looked at his spurs only they weren't there. Nothing. No feet, no nothing. No wonder his tracks looked funny.
Over all, through the month of January, we had many reasons to thank the Lord. I shot my first couple of birds and gained some great new hunting buddies. Our travels to and from have been interesting to say the least, but they wound up safe and injury free. My kids love to see the birds come home and together we make sure that we thank the Lord for the animals that we were given. We are blessed beyond reason. '
I think that now we are moving into shed hunting and turkey time! Woohoo! I am sure that you will hear from me soon.
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