How Do I Know What to Say?

I consider myself to be fairly patient.  I like to think about my reactions before I act. I consider many options before choosing something and I take my time making the decision.  This week, my patience was put to the test a little bit.

I was doing some work for a person whom I knew from our previous time in Omaha. We chatted all morning about lots of things, and got to the subject of family.  She asked about the kids and all of the polite things one should. When I brought up Carson and explained that he had passed away, but that he was our little boy who had Down syndrome, the response almost knocked me on my butt.

“That must be how it was supposed to be. Just imagine the life he would have had.”

Now, I have been grieving, I have watched people grieve, I have helped people grieve,and we all struggle to find the right words to say. We all want to have the words that ride with someone that become a mantra for them so that we can be the wise hero that pulled the from a perpetual future funk.

Stop it.

That is selfish. Just send a cheesy card if that is what you are looking for.  If you can’t show up with open ears and an open heart, just stay home.  This is a time for listening, for putting others first.  Showing up out of obligation, showing up to be a hero, showing up because you think you can be the friend that appears from the shadows to right all wrongs and bring balance to an emotional chaos is a waste.

When you show up out of love, sincerity, compassion and hope, then we are getting somewhere.  The most important people on my journey ever thought that they were a knight in shining armor was far less than.

So, that brings me to a quick little helpful list, in no particular order, of things that you don’t need to say to people who are grieving the loss of a loved one... of any age:

Heaven needed another angel.
It was God’s plan.
That’s how it was supposed to be.
God needed them.
Time will heal all wounds.
You will get over this.
You will get through this.
Anything that you think will make you look awesome.

This list is by no means comprehensive, there are plenty of things you could say that while on the surface seem comforting, are actually less than helpful.

The second line, “imagine what his life would have been like”.  Everyday.  Everyday I imagine what his life would have been like. Every night I imagine what bedtime would be like. Every morning I wish I had another morning.  In stark contrast to the way it was said, always “imagine what their life would have been like.” Some days, that’s the only thing that helps.

Breakthroughs: Am I Getting There?

I am trying something new this week.  Ok, I am trying 2 new things this week.

I am doing a 16/8 intermittent fast.  That means that I am not eating real food for 16 hours a day, and for 8 hours, I eat.  

My wife and I are also rolling hard on a low carb, no (at least lots less) refined sugars, diet.  It is kind of a mix of keto, whole 30, and whatever else doesnt eat as much sugar.

Dude!  What the heck?!? Why are you "dieting"?  fasting isn't good for you!  Advice, advice, advice...  thanks, don't need it.

The deal is, I have plateaued.  I have reached a place where nothing is really changing.  I have reached a place where even when I feel like I am working out pretty hard, or eating ok, or whatever, changes arent really coming.  It is my experience that those symptoms would indicate that I am not doing things as different, or getting out of my comfort zone like I think I am.  

While this is great in terms of fitness, body shape, training, whatever, this is not a fitness blog and I am not here to give fitness advice or to tell you the way to be healthy.  This blog started the night I lost my son, and my mission is to try and help those who feel stuck.  I want to help those who feel lost.  I want to help people who dont feel like they have many places to turn, so the internet is where they landed.  I want to help anyone who finds themselves here, lost or found.

So why would I talk about my stupid diets and stuff?

Because breakthroughs wont happen if you continue doing the same everyday things that you do.  If you dont stretch yourself, you will remain the same.

I don't necessarily mean that you have to saddle up and run an Ironman triathlon like I did, but each time you stretch may feel that way.

The first time I stretched after Carson died, was something seemingly mundane.  I went to Walmart.  I went with no kids, I went without my wife, it was my dad and I at the Walmart in North Platte, NE.  We were there to get poster board for pictures of Carson. This should not have been a stretch, but it most certainly was.  We always went to the store as a family.  I couldn't very well leave 5 kids at home, all under the age of 9, without parents.  It was a big deal to me, but nobody else in the store noticed.  Nobody seemed to care.  Nobody, but me, knew what was stirring inside me and everyone else was life like normal.  That was an interesting stretch that gave me permission to go back to the store and be ready for when the rest of the family came with us. 

For weeks, maybe months, it was a stretch for me to get the right number of plates, bowls, silverware, or whatever it was out of the cabinet at meal time.  My brain could not count one less than normal.  I thought it was super weird, but grief will do that.  What I probably should have done, would be to force myself to count the right number, or just set out the extra plate.  Not me.  I chose to cope by getting out all of the plates.  I would take them all out of the cabinet and let kids grab a plate off the pile.  There, I didn't have to count.  That made it all better.  A good example of having a breakthrough? Probably not, but like I when grief invades your life, you have to learn to dance WITH it, instead of avoiding it all of the time.  

No matter who you are, where you have been, or what it is that eats at you, you can stretch yourself.  You can stretch a little on a trip to Walmart, or you can stretch alot and choose a lofty goal that you are unsure of your ability to reach.  Either way, you get to rise up and know that there is one less thing holding you down.  You are resilient, you are strong, and you are able to do it.  

See you next time!

Going 35 in a 75

In the weeks following the loss of Carson I had lunch with a couple of other fathers and mentors that had also lost children.  They turned out to be some very important people for my sanity and my growth in finding a new normal.

I would like to share one of the ideas that, three years later, is most applicable and still one of the most important things I have heard.  The great news is, this advice works for everyone, everywhere!  You don't need to have lost a child for this to work, you simply need to be a human that gets distracted sometimes.

Life is like the interstate, most people push their luck and drive a little over the speed limit, we are busy people.  We try to get as much done as we can, we try to find our sanity limit and keep ourselves just on the brink of a mental breakdown.  We drive as fast as we can and pray for a rest area to stop for 3 seconds to use the bathroom so we can get back to pushing.  After a loss like ours, though, sometimes, we can only go 35 and making it back to a consistent 75 is probably not a reality.  So, some days will seem like the world is flying by and others will seem like you can almost keep up, the important part is to go as fast as you can or can't any given day and own it.

I have seen people who cope by doing 80 or 90 mph and expect that to keep them so busy that there is simply not time to think about the issues or events that got them where they are.  I have also seen people who slow down to about 15 and never return to even 45 or 50.  They become stuck in 15-20 land and it pushes away their remaining friends and family. They forget what it is like to be happy and feel the constant pressure of guilt and a need to feel sad.

At this point, my cruising speed is about 60.  I have days where it is more like 30, and sometimes I see brief moments of 70-75.  What I have really made an attempt to do, is to be self aware and know what kind of effort I can put in when.  I save my high speed days for when I really need them.  I save them for when the family needs me the most and my job needs me the most.  Most of the time, those happen to be the same weeks.

The tough question is, how do we meet other peoples expectations of consistent 75 while doing 60?  I cannot physically do 75 for very long any more.  It is too much for me.  The thing about going 75 is that multitasking is often a major part of thinking you are getting work done.  We spend our time working, cell phoning, parenting, and everything else.  Consider your plate at dinner, (or supper, depending upon the region you grew up) a nice steak, maybe some green beans, a dinner roll, and maybe some salad or something.  I don't know very many people who take time, cut everything up and then stir it all together and eat it with a trowel.  The chef (your Mother) would look at you like you were nuts, and you would not get the individual great flavors from each part of the meal.  I tend to eat one thing at a time, savor it, and move on to the next.  I try to treat life the same way.

When we focus on the task at hand, parenting, work, whatever, the quality increases exponentially.  If I am renovating a kitchen, for instance, I will set goals for the day that are in line with the goals for the overall project timeline.  I will set aside tasks that are not part of today's goals in favor of completing today's first.  When I see other projects or things I need to do, I can take note and continue the direction I am going.  This helps me get tasks done faster and better.  Be present and focus.  I have learned that by focusing my energy better on what I am doing and being present, I can do 75 quality work while going 60 or even slower.

If I am hanging with my family, I try not to talk shop or do work.  I leave my cell phone in the bedroom, or in its most common place, wherever it landed before I have to ask my wife to call it so I can find it again.  I try to focus my time with the people who need me most in the moment.  Sometimes I get caught up in my phone, I get caught up in social media, I get stuck in my own little world, and it is not fair to my loved ones for me not to give them the best part of me while we are hanging out.  If you need ideas on how to execute this, shut off all of your notifications on your phone and leave it in your bedroom.  It will never ding, and if you are with the most important people, there won't be an emergency that cant be handled without you.

I guess what I am getting at, is make sure that you give the best part of you for the task to the task that needs it.  Don't waste work time talking about being a great family man, but spend all of your family time being a great worker.  This is something that has become incredibly important in my life, so I hope that it gets you thinking and evaluating.

See ya'll for the next one.