One Dad to another, this is a hard Father's Day. One Dad to another, the road doesn't get any easier. One Dad to another, this path we are on winds through the rest of our lives.
If I could sit down with Matt Graves, these are things that would probably come up, one dad to another. I guess if I could have a sit-down, I would want him to know that there is hope, but it comes in the form of realizing that there is life still for us. It also comes in the fact that God has our babies and is taking great care of them.
I do not pretend to know how he feels and I will not pretend to say that I know his pain, I do not. I know what I am going through. I know that every morning I convince myself that getting out of bed is worth it. I know that there are some days that I don't even realize that I am grieving until I discover how tired I am. It won't stop any time soon, so Matt, take life at 10, 20 or 30 MPH for a while instead of at 100 MPH. Slow down and look out for yourself.
There will be overwhelming guilt. It will come in waves. One minute you will understand fully that you did all you could and in the same sentence, you can believe you did nothing. It will hit hard, you will see Lane every day. I don't know how to tell you how to try and fix that. Every day I see my son too. It is hard. It is going to be hard.
There is something important that you may not have heard about yet. You must, especially now, pour into your marriage. You must be there for you wife and you must ask her for help. Neither of you can do this alone and that is why you got married because you didn't want to. Hold your wife while she does nothing but cry. Hold her until she knows that you will not let her go. Sometimes just holding her is more important than saying anything. Our words can never stack up to our actions. Both of you will probably lash out at each other. Realize that this is simply emotion and just holding each other can start a real conversation.
Most important, pray with your wife. You might be mad at God, but he is prepared for that. You might not think that He is out for your best interest, but this was not His "plan". He is not "testing" you. He is crying with you, he is holding Lane close and loving him harder than we can even imagine.
From one Dad to another, the pain is real, how we deal with it is real and the road is a lifetime long. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am sorry that you are part of a club that nobody wants to be in, but we take care of each other.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Familiar But Foreign
Swim, that's all you have to do. It is no different than any other swim work out you have done. I was psyching myself up to hit the 50 meter pool as opposed to the 25 yard pool I have been swimming in through the winter and spring. It's not a big deal, it is outside, so that is different. Overall, there will be water, lane lines and probably other people swimming. That is about it.
I hit the water, it felt familiar, but entirely foreign. I have never worked out in an outdoor 50 meter pool before. I tried to get mentally ready, but when my times were much slower in this pool vs my regular pool, it hit me right in the confidence. I tried to justify it and couldn't. I was in such a frustrated state attempting to justify why my 100 was so much slower, I forgot meters are about 10% longer than yards. So yes, it was fine that my times were a little slower. It's all good!
It got me thinking about how I handle my grief at different times, in different situations. I can psych myself up, make a plan, know exactly how everything is going to go and then BANG! Something happens that isn't quite what I expected and I feel like a totally lost child in a maze of people. Sometimes we can be so sure of how we are going to handle something and then there is a smell, or a song, or our brains insert a missed giggle here or there. It doesn't take much and all of a sudden whatever is happening is not what we expected. Sometimes we handle it, sometimes we freeze, sometimes we lash out in anger. There are oodles of ways that we can react, the challenge is trying to make sure it is a healthy response to what is happening.
A healthy response is what we strive for. It is healthy to emote, it is healthy to need a little time, it is healthy to cope through a hobby or prayer or physical fitness. Self medication or abuse is not healthy. Sleeping for days on end or seclusion are not healthy. Developing a relationship with Christ is the best way to start responding in a healthy way. Christ has plans for us and can see a picture so big that we can't even comprehend it. When you can lean on Christ, you don't have to try to lean on people that will sometimes be there for you and sometimes won't. If you are counting on a person to cope for you, or even someone that you become codependent with, you are coping in an unhealthy way. What happens when that person wears out or something happens and they get injured or move away? Christ is permanent, He is not going anywhere.
So when you get into a new situation, a new pool. When things are familiar, but not the same. What are you going to do? What is going to happen next? Are you going to choose to respond in a healthy way? Yes, with the help of Jesus. Find someone who knows Jesus or simply pick up your bible and start reading in the middle somewhere. Meet Him. Yell at Him. Talk to Him. Love Him. Hate Him. Scream, Cuss, Cry to Him. He can handle it and you won't be the first to do any of that.
I hit the water, it felt familiar, but entirely foreign. I have never worked out in an outdoor 50 meter pool before. I tried to get mentally ready, but when my times were much slower in this pool vs my regular pool, it hit me right in the confidence. I tried to justify it and couldn't. I was in such a frustrated state attempting to justify why my 100 was so much slower, I forgot meters are about 10% longer than yards. So yes, it was fine that my times were a little slower. It's all good!
It got me thinking about how I handle my grief at different times, in different situations. I can psych myself up, make a plan, know exactly how everything is going to go and then BANG! Something happens that isn't quite what I expected and I feel like a totally lost child in a maze of people. Sometimes we can be so sure of how we are going to handle something and then there is a smell, or a song, or our brains insert a missed giggle here or there. It doesn't take much and all of a sudden whatever is happening is not what we expected. Sometimes we handle it, sometimes we freeze, sometimes we lash out in anger. There are oodles of ways that we can react, the challenge is trying to make sure it is a healthy response to what is happening.
A healthy response is what we strive for. It is healthy to emote, it is healthy to need a little time, it is healthy to cope through a hobby or prayer or physical fitness. Self medication or abuse is not healthy. Sleeping for days on end or seclusion are not healthy. Developing a relationship with Christ is the best way to start responding in a healthy way. Christ has plans for us and can see a picture so big that we can't even comprehend it. When you can lean on Christ, you don't have to try to lean on people that will sometimes be there for you and sometimes won't. If you are counting on a person to cope for you, or even someone that you become codependent with, you are coping in an unhealthy way. What happens when that person wears out or something happens and they get injured or move away? Christ is permanent, He is not going anywhere.
So when you get into a new situation, a new pool. When things are familiar, but not the same. What are you going to do? What is going to happen next? Are you going to choose to respond in a healthy way? Yes, with the help of Jesus. Find someone who knows Jesus or simply pick up your bible and start reading in the middle somewhere. Meet Him. Yell at Him. Talk to Him. Love Him. Hate Him. Scream, Cuss, Cry to Him. He can handle it and you won't be the first to do any of that.
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