The Practicality is Yucky

What a month.  March came in like a mild mannered emu and is headed out as a sort of lame zebra.  In some aspects, March has been good, but I am still noticeably numb.  The upsides of things just aren't as high, but the down sides of things aren't as low.  I have been to a really low point and it helps to put things in perspective.  I never feel bad, but I just don't feel as great as I once did.

There have been things this past month that I have done, not done and avoided but still had to do them later.  Laundry.  I avoided laundry the best I could until every body in the house was wearing clothes that smelled like the north end of a south bound horse.  My mom did offer to do the laundry while she was here, but I told her that her job was to enjoy the kids.  Oops.  I have a laundry system.  I have specific places on the bed for each pile because we have more piles than most houses.  7.  We have 7 piles of people clothes... or we did.  We now have 6 piles of clothes.  I found myself staring at the bed, unable to convince my hands that they would be a pile short. I was unable to tell myself that spreading out the piles a little bit was ok.

I am a systems kind of guy.  When my systems get monkeyed with, that is when I feel it the most.  I had an emotional breakdown doing the laundry that day.  I could not make sense of anything for a few minutes.  I have a system for laundry, dishes, picking up dog poop, eating meals and any other thing you can think of.  There were quite a few that involved Carson, but laundry and the budget are the two that I have noticed the most.

I hate it.  I hate that my budget is different.  I hate that the laundry doesn't take as long.  I hate that things are different because I know why they are different.  It is uncomfortable.

Now that I got through the parts of the month that threw off my game, let's dive into the cool stuff.  This month on March 21st was World DS Day.  We celebrated our buddy.  We also had the Step Up for DS Walk in Kearney on the 28th.  It was so awesome!  Not just because the organizers were so wonderful, but we sold 150 Carsonian Crushers T-Shirts (Thanks everybody)!   Not everyone could show up, but I thank everyone who did.  It was a day of remembering and celebrating our special little man and supporting other families.  We met a little guy who was a hugger.  He was 3 and that hug meant more to me than anything else that happened that day.  I was surprised that I did not lose my mind and sob all over him, because that is exactly what I was doing inside.

When I think about the way that I am feeling I am reminded of the story of Jesus and the man who was unable to walk and for about 40 years he hung out by the pool waiting to be healed.  This man had it way worse than me.  He probably had serious bed sores, body odor, nasty teeth and all sorts of gross.  Jesus walked up to him and asked if he would like to be well.  Of course after 40 years of sitting, he kind of had an attitude, but then asked Jesus to heal him.  Jesus did.

That is incredible.  40 years of laying around and waiting for someone to come and throw him in the pool at the right time and Jesus walks up and asks if he wants to be better.  If Jesus can take the pain from that man and countless others I know that he can take mine, but only as fast as I let him.  If you are hurting, if you are struggling, I would invite you to ask Jesus to treat you like the man by the pool and let Him heal a little piece of you.

Jesus loves you and so do I.

Time with my Buddy

A new month.  A time to recognize that things aren't going to be the same.  Things have been starting to sink in for all of us.  We went to church on a Wednesday Night and the kids start out by playing a bunch of games and singing together.  After that gets done, they head to their classrooms to have their lessons.  Well, Cecilia had a fun night playing and singing, but then told Mom that she did not want to go to class.  When Mom asked why, she responded that "Carson always goes to class with me."  That definitely pulled at the heart strings.  Still looking for a new normal.

Carson is missed in a big way.  We endured our first family celebration without him.  It was Cecilia's 3rd birthday on Sunday.  Grandparents came to town and we had a great time.  Ice cream, cake, presents and swimming occupied us while we were together.  For Julie and I, there was an underlying emptiness that we tried not to translate.  We probably failed, but that little girl knows that we love her.

Grief has taken a new form.  I had lunch with a member of the club and it was good for me.  He told me something that really hit home.  He told me that on the interstate everybody goes 80 miles an hour all of the time.  He said that we can't go 80 miles an hour right now.  We can't go 80, we have to slow down, we have to figure out what the speed limit for the day is and figure out what is comfortable for the now.  It hit me.  I know now that I can't go 80.  I have tried.  I have tried to do my normal long days at work, my normal 10 page to do lists and my body, my brain and my heart just can't do it.  I lose focus, I lose energy, I have to pull off the road and take care of me.  It is going to be with me forever and I can't change that.  I would give anything to change that, but reality dictates that it won't happen.  It took tons of energy to keep up with my buddy and it is taking 10 times more to not keep up with him.

I had a moment this weekend at a place that I was not prepared to.  God does that.  A concert rolled through town this weekend, there were 4 bands; Nine Lashes, Decypher Down, Seventh Day Slumber and Disciple.  I invited the youth of our church and had some takers.  We arrived at the venue ready to rock and rock we did.  Before the concert started I noticed a little girl with DS in the aisle next to me.  I was quite pleased and smiled and reminisced a little.  I smiled, it was good.  The first couple bands rocked and she danced and I smiled.  Seventh Day Slumber came on the stage and they did a great job.  They had a great message that reminded us that God is not intimidated by what we have gotten ourselves in to and that we have to give it all to Him.  It was a quality message.  Not what hit me though.  The lead singer was moved as he spoke, with tears forming in his eyes he informed us that instead of rocking like mad for the last song, one of his band members was going to sing and we were going to worship.  So what seemed like a change in plans, impromptu, not planned however you want to say it, God spoke.  They sang How He Loves.  Anyone who has been on this journey with me knows that this is the song that has brought me peace, has helped me cope, has calmed the waves of pain that I have felt.  I stood there singing with a lump in my throat and tears rolling down my face.  I am not sure if it hurt or was perfect or what, but I texted Julie and told her that Carson was rocking with me tonight.  That little girl danced all night.  We finished up about 11:30pm and she was still dancing.

I wanted to go give her a big hug, I wanted to tell that mom that her daughter is a world of blessing and that no matter what people ever say to her, she is one of God's most precious treasures. I didn't think I could do it without having a mental breakdown so I just left.

God has come through for me.  He will come through for you.  Just ask him.

Keep God in front of you and your people beside you.

The Dad who dads