Getting stuck in grief is a real thing. What do I do when I feel stuck? Try something totally new. I do something that I have never done. This week I am being a vegetarian for the first time in my life, ever... ever. I really like to eat things that used to eat. They are really tasty. So, here is my week as it were:
I went to the grocery store yesterday.
Before we go to the grocery store I make a meal plan and build a list.
Saturday, I decided that we would have a vegetarian week. Why? It sounds interesting and I want to see how my body reacts. That's all.
Sunday:
So far so good. I made some bars that are called superfood breakfast bars or something like that. They are full of Pumpkin Seeds, Oats, and all sorts of good for you type stuff. They are OK, I had a couple for breakfast. Kind of a change from the ham, eggs and cheese I usually have. Feeling good though. We will see how my bike ride goes tonight.
Bike ride went really well, wasn't overly tired or anything. I have to admit that was kind of a surprise! I didn't have any meat cravings or anything, it was a pretty chill day, we made some black bean tacos for lunch. They were really fantastic!
Monday:
Back to Eggs and toast for breakfast. This is standard because I always eat the same thing! No reason to waste time trying to choose. I hate when I feel like I have wasted time trying to choose something like that. And the superfood bars weren't great. Lots of fruit this morning. It was all good and tasty!
First test. Home for lunch.Uncle Ben's whole grain rice packet and some fresh veggies. I usually have a chicken breast with my rice packet at lunch, so I am being tempted for sure. Not sure that I ate enough. Uh Oh. Lots of snacks through the afternoon.
Back on the bike again tonight, CRUSHED my work out! I have been adding Tabata sets to almost all of my workouts for the last couple weeks. I now keep the trash can close, because one of these days I am going to need it.
Tuesday:
I had my eggs and toast. I was good. I had rice for lunch with the left over black bean taco filling mixed in. Was mostly satiated all afternoon, had some carrots and peas in the afternoon as well.
Fajitas were for dinner. I screwed that up. The kids ate taco bell and I tried to choke down the veggies for the fajitas. I accidentally ate a piece of the chicken after I made it for the rest of the family. Totally just a cooking reaction to see how it tasted. I always taste the food I make! Oh well. It's all good. No major cravings though, still rocking and rolling!
Wednesday - Friday:
MEAT! NO MEAT! That is about how my brain has been working. There were people and meals and workouts and all sorts of stuff. If this was a blog about being a vegetarian, I would tell you more... It's not.
I did something different for a week. I focused really hard on something that wasn't my grief. I focused on eating vegetables. I guess, I focused more on NOT eating meat. Whatever.
The idea is that if you are stuck, if grief has you pinned and you can't seem to get around it through your daily regulars, do something that isn't regular. It may work, it may not work. What it will do is help shift your focus, and give you a small win when you accomplish a short term goal! I never thought I would be vegetarian for a meal, let alone a week. This is new territory for me.
I knocked down a goal, I flexed my discipline muscle and accomplished something. Now I feel pretty good about myself! So, I got out of the norm and got an ego boost. Hooray! Now, I can return to life as normal, or I can take what I learned and incorporate something positive into my new normal.
Get unstuck. Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you! See you next week!
Saturday, February 25, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Mixed Up Emotions, We Aren't The Same
Even before we were parents, we were experiencing this. We were in the process of growing baby number two. After a doctor appointment I wanted some breakfast. I decided Burger King was the way to go and Julie said she was not that hungry. It was a drive through situation, so I pulled up and as we waited, she decided in true pregnant lady fashion that a chicken sandwich sounded good. it was still breakfast menu, so I was concerned that we would not be able to accomplish a craving fulfillment. We pulled up to the speaker, I asked about the sandwich, even using the pregnant lady card, and was told, "Negatory on the sandarino." (Not a direct quote, but I thought it was more interesting that way)
As I pulled through to the window, Julie yelled at me, "Don't laugh at me!". I was certainly confused as there was not so much as a snicker from the driver's seat. I turned to ask what she was talking about and was met with fairly heavy sobbing and crocodile tears. We had a moment where I was trying really hard to be sympathetic, but trying really hard not to laugh about the traumatic chicken sandwich incident. Mixed emotions and the different ways we handle things are hard.
I run into this problem more as a Dad because I think more childish things are funny than my wife does. Incidentally, children do childish things. More often than not, if I am giggling about something the kids said, I am simultaneously getting an"Are you serious?" Look from my wife. I earn them a lot.
The difference in humor shows up most clear on trips to the local grocery establishment. Once the kids started being able to read, it was over. Once we made the mistake of going to the check out aisle with the home enema kits. The oldest boy had some interesting observations. I was stifling my laughter, albeit not very well, through phrases that ended with "in your butt?" Julie was less than impressed with him and my lack of motivation to stop him from such chatter. I just try to put myself in the check out lane next to us and think " would this conversation make my day?". If the answer is yes, I let it continue and just giggle. If not, I am more apt to cut it off quickly.
Much in the same way we have different humor, we have different paths to walk through grief and different methods of coping when it is overwhelming. I grieve far different than Julie does. She takes time and reflects quietly and alone, she also emotes. I do to, to a certain extent, but I like to train harder and sweat more, I also like to write.
We have been grieving for a while now. We have been in cycles, and differing degrees of grief for a long time and we have seen each other at our highest and lowest points. Those each look far different for us as individuals. As parents, as a couple, as a family we have to understand that my way of grieving, her way of grieving or anyone else's way is not any better or worse than any other without n healthy boundaries. (Barring, of course, substance abuse and self-harm)
Time lines, stages, cycles, what ever part of grief you are talking about, is not linear. There is not a natural and constant progression. Some days are good and some days breathing is a monumental feat.
Try to remember these things as we plow through one day at a time. Grief is not easy and everyone does it there own way. We can't force people to move through grief, but we can encourage them and try to help them not get stuck there. The only way to keep from getting stuck is to push through intentionally. To practice being uncomfortable intentionally. To pray like it depends on God and to work like it depends on you.
See you next week.
As I pulled through to the window, Julie yelled at me, "Don't laugh at me!". I was certainly confused as there was not so much as a snicker from the driver's seat. I turned to ask what she was talking about and was met with fairly heavy sobbing and crocodile tears. We had a moment where I was trying really hard to be sympathetic, but trying really hard not to laugh about the traumatic chicken sandwich incident. Mixed emotions and the different ways we handle things are hard.
I run into this problem more as a Dad because I think more childish things are funny than my wife does. Incidentally, children do childish things. More often than not, if I am giggling about something the kids said, I am simultaneously getting an"Are you serious?" Look from my wife. I earn them a lot.
The difference in humor shows up most clear on trips to the local grocery establishment. Once the kids started being able to read, it was over. Once we made the mistake of going to the check out aisle with the home enema kits. The oldest boy had some interesting observations. I was stifling my laughter, albeit not very well, through phrases that ended with "in your butt?" Julie was less than impressed with him and my lack of motivation to stop him from such chatter. I just try to put myself in the check out lane next to us and think " would this conversation make my day?". If the answer is yes, I let it continue and just giggle. If not, I am more apt to cut it off quickly.
Much in the same way we have different humor, we have different paths to walk through grief and different methods of coping when it is overwhelming. I grieve far different than Julie does. She takes time and reflects quietly and alone, she also emotes. I do to, to a certain extent, but I like to train harder and sweat more, I also like to write.
We have been grieving for a while now. We have been in cycles, and differing degrees of grief for a long time and we have seen each other at our highest and lowest points. Those each look far different for us as individuals. As parents, as a couple, as a family we have to understand that my way of grieving, her way of grieving or anyone else's way is not any better or worse than any other without n healthy boundaries. (Barring, of course, substance abuse and self-harm)
Time lines, stages, cycles, what ever part of grief you are talking about, is not linear. There is not a natural and constant progression. Some days are good and some days breathing is a monumental feat.
Try to remember these things as we plow through one day at a time. Grief is not easy and everyone does it there own way. We can't force people to move through grief, but we can encourage them and try to help them not get stuck there. The only way to keep from getting stuck is to push through intentionally. To practice being uncomfortable intentionally. To pray like it depends on God and to work like it depends on you.
See you next week.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
My Son, My God Two Years Later
Two years.
That is insane. Two years of struggle. Two years of grief. Two years of faith. Two years of love. Two years of remembering. Two years of questions. Two years of keeping it together. Two years of asking God to help us move around with this weight.
Two years ago, things got a little hairy for us. We had a delightful little boy and then in the blink of an eye, we didn't. Everything changed.
I remember sitting in the room with the pastor, the chaplain and maybe a nurse or something. It was a helpless and barren feeling. Nothing could be done. There are images etched in my history that will never be erased, but if this becomes the focus of my memories, you may as well dig my grave as well.
Carson was a boy who loved life better than I can. Carson was a boy who smiled so much and for so long that my cheek muscles couldn't keep up. He was a great snuggler and the best hugger. There was no way for him to be any more perfect. This week's blog is a plagiarism, a rerun if you will. Here is the blog that started Dadding As Hard As I Can:
That is insane. Two years of struggle. Two years of grief. Two years of faith. Two years of love. Two years of remembering. Two years of questions. Two years of keeping it together. Two years of asking God to help us move around with this weight.
Two years ago, things got a little hairy for us. We had a delightful little boy and then in the blink of an eye, we didn't. Everything changed.
I remember sitting in the room with the pastor, the chaplain and maybe a nurse or something. It was a helpless and barren feeling. Nothing could be done. There are images etched in my history that will never be erased, but if this becomes the focus of my memories, you may as well dig my grave as well.
Carson was a boy who loved life better than I can. Carson was a boy who smiled so much and for so long that my cheek muscles couldn't keep up. He was a great snuggler and the best hugger. There was no way for him to be any more perfect. This week's blog is a plagiarism, a rerun if you will. Here is the blog that started Dadding As Hard As I Can:
Today was a day of endurance. The worst day of my life. Today, I watched my 4-year old's life slip away as he went to play on Heaven's playground.
It's a strange thing, I was not afraid. I was not in despair, I did not try to hide from the truth of what was happening. I ran to the arms of Jesus and did the only thing I could... I prayed. At the house, I prayed my efforts of CPR would reset my precious baby and that he would come back to me. At the hospital, I prayed for the guidance of the hands of all those trying to save his life. Now I pray for peace, strength, and guidance for the days ahead.
Carson, my 4-year-old, had down's syndrome. This means the through a genetic defect, he was better at loving, happier, smilier and all around far more fun to be with than I am. I must say that this child was a delight. He rarely had a bad day and was always ready for hugs and snuggles. He loved giving kisses and being silly.
Some people will console us by saying that it was his time, that God called him home, that they needed a new angel in heaven and other worn out poorly thought out regurgitated lines of consolation, but it is wrong. I don't know about your God, but mine doesn't take lives to teach a lesson. My God doesn't NEED anything from me, He's God. My God doesn't take, he receives. He received my son today but was no happier to do it than I was to let him go. He is cradling my dear Carson with tears in His eyes as I lay in bed feeling empty. God is not simply a big guy moving the pieces on the board and making sacrifices of this piece and that, He hurts because I hurt. He cries because my pain is His pain.
I know that God is not only standing with us through this but in us. He is in the response of our closest friends as well as the folks who take the time to help out that we barely know. I pray that others can be drawn to Christ through our ordeal.
Saturday, February 4, 2017
Grieving Intentionally
Handling the expected. Handling the unexpected. What about the aftermath?
There is so much that goes on when something unexpected happens! I remember maybe 35 minutes of the month after Carson died. Everything seemed to just move around me. I was oil in a tub of water. I could see everything, it was all around me, but I was never all the way part of it.
If you do nothing to end this feeling, it won't go away. In our situation, we have 4 other kids that still need parents. That meant that after our help went home and the crowds of people subsided, we had to be back to real life, or at least take turns. We had to be there for the kids, but we also wanted to make sure that they saw us cope in healthy ways.
This is not an easy thing to do. Everything is strange and you feel like you are in a totally different world. The fact is, your reality has changed. Things are different, maybe not for everyone else, but your perception changes, your reality changes. People talk about finding a new normal and they are not wrong. There is also a large level of guilt that comes along with finding normal. I think this is where we tend to get stuck.
We get stuck in guilt because we felt happy. We get stuck in guilt because we are doing things differently than we would have. For us, going to the park was a huge guilt trigger the first time or two or five. We looked at each other and realized that we would not be able to handle ourselves the same way with Carson as we were without. We cried. It was hard, but this is part of grieving intentionally.
Our strength did not come from us. Our strength comes from a faith in the Lord with a strong foundation. We work hard every day to live a life of gratitude to Him and that includes being thankful for the time we had instead of bitter about the time we didn't. We pray. We pray a lot! I pray a lot. I find myself praying more often than I talk to people some days. I would encourage you that even if you are angry, even if your prayer will be yelling and screaming, do it! God can't wait to hear from you. He created you and He wants to be there for you, you just have to let Him in. God is the source of all of our strength and peace. He is the source of all wisdom and He is the giver of our energy to grieve intentionally.
When I was prepping and training for the Ironman in 2016, I had to push my body to uncomfortable places so that come race day, I was ready to go the whole race. Fatigue, soreness, chafing and any number of other truly gag-worthy things I proudly told my wife about. Going to the park was training for the next thing. Going to a wedding, meeting people in public, or even just sitting at the table. It is impossible to not think about Carson. He is in my head and heart 24 hours a day, but because Julie and I have pushed our emotional boundaries and trained our triggers, we are in a much healthier spot. We can talk about our angel, we can look back at pictures and remember the happiest parts. That is not to say that we are all smiles all the time, we have our moments and our times just like everyone else.
We started small. We went to the store, we walked a different route than usual. I am a creature of habit, so we had to do some major routine changes, but doing things differently made doing them at all a possibility. Eventually, we would head to the park, go on walks, get involved in triathlons, go on play dates and all sorts of "regular stuff". I think in terms of goals and purpose; so what is the purpose of my going to the store today? Groceries and to learn to handle my grief. Be purposeful and say it out loud. Say it to you, to a friend, to God, vocalize it because it helps. You can do it!
If you are stuck, it is time to find your community, find a team mate and take a baby step. go to the store, go to the library, visit a family member that you haven't seen in a while. You can also tell your teammate about your angel. Tell them over and over again, talk about the funny things and the happy things and the sad things and your triggers and say your baby's name!
It does not matter what your unexpected is, you are not the first to go through it and someone is right there with you and for you.
There is so much that goes on when something unexpected happens! I remember maybe 35 minutes of the month after Carson died. Everything seemed to just move around me. I was oil in a tub of water. I could see everything, it was all around me, but I was never all the way part of it.
If you do nothing to end this feeling, it won't go away. In our situation, we have 4 other kids that still need parents. That meant that after our help went home and the crowds of people subsided, we had to be back to real life, or at least take turns. We had to be there for the kids, but we also wanted to make sure that they saw us cope in healthy ways.
This is not an easy thing to do. Everything is strange and you feel like you are in a totally different world. The fact is, your reality has changed. Things are different, maybe not for everyone else, but your perception changes, your reality changes. People talk about finding a new normal and they are not wrong. There is also a large level of guilt that comes along with finding normal. I think this is where we tend to get stuck.
We get stuck in guilt because we felt happy. We get stuck in guilt because we are doing things differently than we would have. For us, going to the park was a huge guilt trigger the first time or two or five. We looked at each other and realized that we would not be able to handle ourselves the same way with Carson as we were without. We cried. It was hard, but this is part of grieving intentionally.
Our strength did not come from us. Our strength comes from a faith in the Lord with a strong foundation. We work hard every day to live a life of gratitude to Him and that includes being thankful for the time we had instead of bitter about the time we didn't. We pray. We pray a lot! I pray a lot. I find myself praying more often than I talk to people some days. I would encourage you that even if you are angry, even if your prayer will be yelling and screaming, do it! God can't wait to hear from you. He created you and He wants to be there for you, you just have to let Him in. God is the source of all of our strength and peace. He is the source of all wisdom and He is the giver of our energy to grieve intentionally.
When I was prepping and training for the Ironman in 2016, I had to push my body to uncomfortable places so that come race day, I was ready to go the whole race. Fatigue, soreness, chafing and any number of other truly gag-worthy things I proudly told my wife about. Going to the park was training for the next thing. Going to a wedding, meeting people in public, or even just sitting at the table. It is impossible to not think about Carson. He is in my head and heart 24 hours a day, but because Julie and I have pushed our emotional boundaries and trained our triggers, we are in a much healthier spot. We can talk about our angel, we can look back at pictures and remember the happiest parts. That is not to say that we are all smiles all the time, we have our moments and our times just like everyone else.
We started small. We went to the store, we walked a different route than usual. I am a creature of habit, so we had to do some major routine changes, but doing things differently made doing them at all a possibility. Eventually, we would head to the park, go on walks, get involved in triathlons, go on play dates and all sorts of "regular stuff". I think in terms of goals and purpose; so what is the purpose of my going to the store today? Groceries and to learn to handle my grief. Be purposeful and say it out loud. Say it to you, to a friend, to God, vocalize it because it helps. You can do it!
If you are stuck, it is time to find your community, find a team mate and take a baby step. go to the store, go to the library, visit a family member that you haven't seen in a while. You can also tell your teammate about your angel. Tell them over and over again, talk about the funny things and the happy things and the sad things and your triggers and say your baby's name!
It does not matter what your unexpected is, you are not the first to go through it and someone is right there with you and for you.
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