What do you even have to be scared of?

When I think of my seeking and finding habits over the last couple years, I realize that I spent all my seeking time trying to find an answer to the biggest fears that I had in my life. I spent my time searching for a solution to the source of my fears. The things that I am afraid of are things like instability, letting down my family in terms of lifestyle that they are used to, failing at having a profitable business, letting people see any of my insecurities, and things like that.



It was new, it was exciting, I was terrified. I had never started a business before. I didn’t know what needed to be done and really I didn’t much know where to even start.  I was so clueless about how to make this business a success that I didn’t even set a budget for the family, or even consider one.  The uncertainty I was facing caused crippling fear that I refused to admit to. Instead of admitting to the fear and facing it, I decided that it would be better to embrace the uncertainty and ride the wave to see where it went.  While this was probably not the “correct” choice, my family continued to eat, it got tight, but the bills got paid.  At the time I considered the family/work balance to be pretty even. I felt like it was going ok.

Looking back, my fear of setting any sort of real goal for my business probably hindered my growth and financial gains over the first year or so, but at least I hadn’t failed! If you don’t have any real goals, failure is not really an option.  I did a sneak and patted myself on the back for being and surviving as opposed to accomplishing any goals.

I lauded myself for moving to be back with family, for taking a risk, for the good things I did in the life that I left. I could look back and see that I had done good things.  Unfortunately, in all that looking back, I wasn’t looking forward.

Setting goals and challenging myself is what got me through the toughest time in my life. When Carson passed, the thing that kept me from self medication and abuse was setting up goals and knocking them down.  I took the feelings and emotions and put that energy into making myself a better dad, person, athlete. This time was different because I forgot that my best coping comes from giving myself direction and challenging myself. It was time to turn around and change my perspective.

I decided that it was time to challenge myself.  I set financial goals for my business. I set personal goals to spend quality time with my family.  It was time to become a person who was striving to better himself and his family again.

Since I decided that fear of failure was no longer going to rule me and hold me back, I have gotten back to doing things that I love and develop me as a better, father, husband, person, Christian, or better anything else.  I have a couple races back on the schedule, I am writing, I am back to more time serving, I am taking care of my nutrition better, I feel better, and I think most of all, I feel like I have things to be proud of again.

So push yourself, challenge yourself, leave something behind that doesn’t serve you, do things that make you proud and don’t be afraid.  

Always Seeking, Always Finding

There are new things on the horizon. I’m nervous, apprehensive, excited, but most of all I am ready for the stability of the future.  No longer will it be a constant search for more jobs and the next dollar, but I will get to decide the best way to help a family and teach a group of volunteers how to accomplish that.

With my return to stability and return to serving people will come a chance to seek again.  I feel like all my seeking has been for survival lately.  I have been seeking the dollars to make life possible for my family.  Unfortunately, this kind of seeking has not left me much to tap into for seeking self improvement, for growing my faith, for accomplishing other goals, or anything else.

February 12 marked 5 years since Carson passed away.  5 years... long time... quick time...

Nothing is the same now.  We live in a different place, we have different jobs, everyone is older, the kids are starting to get into their own activities, starting to explore interests, and I feel like I have all but shut myself off from things that aren’t work or immediate family matters, reactive.

As soon as I had opportunities on the horizon, I felt a shift.  I was excited to do my thing again.  I had motivation to strap on shoes and run.  I felt motivated to write more... or at all. Stability is what I have been seeking and now that I have found that, it seems as though my seeking can continue for what I would prefer to find.

Over the years, there have been situations where I have felt abandoned by God.  I have felt like the only way through would be deeper into the sad, to yell, scream, self medicate, or some other self serving behavior that wouldn’t work.  I’ve felt like I had to do everything myself.  These are the times that I was so self focused I didn’t realize that I had stopped searching for the resources or aide I needed on the journey.  It was like I was sitting in a room just yelling to myself that things weren’t right, but I wasn’t going to leave my little room to seek out a way for it to get better.

In the heart of these times is when I’ve had to be self aware enough to make a change.  Where ive had to realize that my actions, or inactions, needed to find a new trajectory.  It is in those times that I realized, that I simply couldn’t help myself.

See, I have discovered that Jesus is always there.  He is around when things are good, he is around when things are bad, he is around when you feel alone, he is around when you feel cherished.  The problem for us, for me, is that sometimes I feel like it is his job to find me and make everything better, like immediately.  Unfortunately for a guy like me who gets self centered and entitled, that isn’t how it works.  If I don’t put in the work, good things don’t happen.  So then it is incumbent upon me to seek shelter, to seek peace and comfort in Christ.  If I do not seek, I will not find.

Last week, I told a group of middle schoolers that if you are hungry, sitting in the living and screaming the word “HUNGRY” will not change your situation.  The simple way to fix the problem of being hungry is to head to the kitchen and seek out food to eat. Clearly this is an over simplification, because emotional and spiritual hunger cannot always be solved with a simple answer.  We may have to seek out a restaurant, grocery store, someone else’s kitchen, or any number of other resources to fill the hunger that we are experiencing.  The point though is that we must seek them out, we cannot simply sit idle and hope everything works itself out.

I don’t know what you are hungry for, I am not aware of your life situation, but I know that without seeking, you will not find.  This faith we have is a two way street.  Jesus is there for us, but if we don’t do our part, nothing changes.  Take 15, 30, 60 minutes, however long and think about what you are seeking. Are you seeking what you are actually hoping to find? Is what you are seeking the most beneficial for your current situation? Does it match what you say your priorities are?