Grieving Intentionally

Handling the expected.  Handling the unexpected.  What about the aftermath?

There is so much that goes on when something unexpected happens!  I remember maybe 35 minutes of the month after Carson died.  Everything seemed to just move around me.  I was oil in a tub of water.  I could see everything, it was all around me, but I was never all the way part of it.

If you do nothing to end this feeling, it won't go away.  In our situation, we have 4 other kids that still need parents.  That meant that after our help went home and the crowds of people subsided, we had to be back to real life, or at least take turns.  We had to be there for the kids, but we also wanted to make sure that they saw us cope in healthy ways.

This is not an easy thing to do.  Everything is strange and you feel like you are in a totally different world.  The fact is, your reality has changed.  Things are different, maybe not for everyone else, but your perception changes, your reality changes.  People talk about finding a new normal and they are not wrong.  There is also a large level of guilt that comes along with finding normal.  I think this is where we tend to get stuck.

We get stuck in guilt because we felt happy.  We get stuck in guilt because we are doing things differently than we would have.  For us, going to the park was a huge guilt trigger the first time or two or five.  We looked at each other and realized that we would not be able to handle ourselves the same way with Carson as we were without.  We cried.  It was hard, but this is part of grieving intentionally.

Our strength did not come from us.  Our strength comes from a faith in the Lord with a strong foundation.  We work hard every day to live a life of gratitude to Him and that includes being thankful for the time we had instead of bitter about the time we didn't.  We pray.  We pray a lot!  I pray a lot.  I find myself praying more often than I talk to people some days.  I would encourage you that even if you are angry, even if your prayer will be yelling and screaming, do it!  God can't wait to hear from you.  He created you and He wants to be there for you, you just have to let Him in.  God is the source of all of our strength and peace.  He is the source of all wisdom and He is the giver of our energy to grieve intentionally.

When I was prepping and training for the Ironman in 2016, I had to push my body to uncomfortable places so that come race day, I was ready to go the whole race.  Fatigue, soreness, chafing and any number of other truly gag-worthy things I proudly told my wife about.  Going to the park was training for the next thing.  Going to a wedding, meeting people in public, or even just sitting at the table.  It is impossible to not think about Carson.  He is in my head and heart 24 hours a day, but because Julie and I have pushed our emotional boundaries and trained our triggers, we are in a much healthier spot.  We can talk about our angel, we can look back at pictures and remember the happiest parts.  That is not to say that we are all smiles all the time, we have our moments and our times just like everyone else.

We started small.  We went to the store, we walked a different route than usual.  I am a creature of habit, so we had to do some major routine changes, but doing things differently made doing them at all a possibility.  Eventually, we would head to the park, go on walks, get involved in triathlons, go on play dates and all sorts of "regular stuff".  I think in terms of goals and purpose; so what is the purpose of my going to the store today? Groceries and to learn to handle my grief. Be purposeful and say it out loud.  Say it to you, to a friend, to God, vocalize it because it helps.  You can do it!

If you are stuck, it is time to find your community, find a team mate and take a baby step.  go to the store, go to the library, visit a family member that you haven't seen in a while.  You can also tell your teammate about your angel.  Tell them over and over again, talk about the funny things and the happy things and the sad things and your triggers and say your baby's name!

It does not matter what your unexpected is, you are not the first to go through it and someone is right there with you and for you.