April 28, 2015 was not really a day of note for anyone but me. It wasn't a day where the world stopped for anything, it wasn't super sad and I didn't conquer anything.
Let start at the 27th. The night of the Kids portion of the James O'Rourke Triathlon. The older boys raced and did awesome. Later that night, Julie and I told them how awesome they are and my oldest son informed me, in fewer words, that I was a lazy, fat dad and I would not run a triathlon before I was 30.
Back to the 28... The James O'Rourke triathlon was run by many people, none of them were me. My mother was one of them. My mom ran, completed and totally ravaged that race! My buddy Bobby also raced and won that day. Between the two of them, I was in a serious bout of inspiration and motivation. When we got back to the house after the race my heart was heavy and was I knew that it was time to do something. So Caleb, my oldest, and I grabbed some shorts, some shoes and went for a run. We made it almost a mile and a half. He was bouncing all over the place and running circles around me. I was dying! I think I put out about 12.4 gallons of sweat and my heart was beating at about 122% of max heart rate. I will stop there, but the point of the story is that I was super out of shape and it looked like my son was right. I was a fat, lazy dad.
So that is where my journey started. 290 lbs, out of shape, round, sad, out of control eating and trying to get my feelings in check. I didn't really have a direction. My daily goals involved making it to sundown without losing my mind. April 28 was the day that I found direction and decided to get start a journey that would end on July 27 in Ogallala, NE in a sprint triathlon. 500 yards of swimming, 16 Miles of biking and a 5K of running. How was I supposed to know that I was going to get hooked?
That race was awesome. It was painful, it was long, it was an adventure and it was a goal reached and accomplished. It was truly a powerful day for me, for us. At that point I was racing for Carson. Carson and I made it together. It took 1 hour and 57 minutes but I did it.
There I was, lost again. Now what? I heard about another race in September. I got too excited and injured myself trying to train harder than I should have. I strained a muscle in my calf and the second race was a no go.
A little while later I figured out what the direction was. Team Crusher was born and Ironman training was the vehicle to accomplishing new and exciting things. So every week for the last year, I have trained 5-6 days or there abouts. I am very fortunate to have the people in my life that have supported me and pushed me to accomplish things that I couldn't have alone.
I have learned some stuff over the last year. I have learned about how far I think I can push myself. I have learned about how consistency is key in defining how your days go. I have learned that persistence doesn't get you to the starting line, but it's a damn fine finisher.
My grief has motivated me instead of dragging me down. This is it. This is the key. Harnessing the energy of grief is not easy because grief, though it sucks your energy, it has an energy of its own. You have to work with the energy the best you can. Some days will be easier and some will be tough, but that is where consistency comes in.
Consistency is what you choose to do the most often. Every day, you wake up and do what? What is the first thing you do every day? I consistently push snooze too many times and then look at my phone. Every morning, I wake up, acknowledge my grief and ask God to help me push through the day. I also say thank you for the day and for the time spent with my family. I check instagram, facebook and I probably shouldn't, but I do. I go to the bathroom and get to work. Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday I am at the pool at 5:30 AM. Work lunch hours are devoted to hitting a second training session, bike or run. Wednesday morning is long run day, Saturday is long bike day. Sunday is rest day. What do you so often that you could put it on a calendar? If you wake up every day and the first thing you do is let grief win, you are already starting on a rough road. You have to acknowledge your grief and decide to accomplish something that day. Consistency isn't something that you can change quickly. Consistency in new habits, rituals and activities develops over time. During the time of development, you have to make a conscious decision to do the activities that you want to do rather than those that it seems you are naturally attached to. Consistency is the starting line, consistency gets you to the starting line. Consistency gets you to the pool at 5:30 AM each day. Consistency takes your lunch time and puts it on a bike or a run. Consistency will not get you through when times get super hard. Consistency is not what makes you adaptable and flexible. This is where the line is between consistence and persistence.
Persistence gets you through the tough stuff. When you get to the starting line, anything can happen. This doesn't change no matter what part of life you are talking about. Grief, love, family, friends, church, food ordering at a restaurant, you get the point. There is not a part of any day where something can't go haywire and when it does, chances are you won't necessarily be able to drop everything and focus on what went haywire. You may have to push through to get to the finish line. Every workout has a starting line and a finish line. Some workouts are smooth, 60 minutes of low heart rate, slow recovery jog, the mental part of those is simply being in it for an hour. There are also workouts where you have to push 100% and about half way through you are so tired that you would much rather quit, but your brain has to override what your body is telling it. You must persist through the workout to get the benefits. So many days, at noon or part way through the afternoon or what ever, our days get derailed by emotion or by anything! The important part is that you can see and accept those feelings for what they are and refocus on the goals you are working towards. Persistence is an incredible finisher. Everything will get difficult. Racing, training, work, life, being an adult, being a human... everything. Persistence is how we adapt and become flexible.
The combination of the two is when we become dangerous. When you combine the drive to start with an uncompromising passion to cross the finish line, everything becomes possible. When you find a passion and can channel the energy from your grief to drive your passion, you become unstoppable. Your grief cannot stop you. Your life did not end when you lost your child. You may have wanted it to, you may feel like it did, but I have physical evidence that it didn't. You are still here. You are still here and if you let grief win every day, you might be setting yourself up for more regrets. The combination of consistency and persistence can bring you back to your family, who still love you and want you around. The combination of the two can bring you life again. The combination will get you healthy again. You don't have to set your sights on triathlons, that is my deal. Your passion comes from what is therapeutic for you. For me, a high heart rate, sweat and racing are what invigorates my memories, they are what make me feel alive and what brings back my son for a time.
If you know someone who is stuck in a funk, it is ok to talk to them. It is ok to talk about their child or children. It is ok to ask them questions.
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