We get it. I am training. Running to remember and representing our kids. AND... and what?
AND I am learning tons about myself, my grief and how it is affecting me. Consistency is my focus right now. Training for the Ironman is more about consistency and smart training than it is about training volume or even pushing really hard all of the time. I am at a point in my training where I am preparing my body, conditioning my body to train for an Ironman. To even have a chance at qualifying for Kona, the world championships, I will need to train for a few more years. Those years will not be spent punishing myself every day, they will be spent training consistently. They will be spent teaching my muscles what I need them to do, every day. Sometimes people ask me how far I usually run or ride my bike, and at this point in training, that doesn't matter. At this point, I am teaching my body that it is alright to run for an hour or two hours straight, teaching my heart how to get blood to my muscles for that long and not explode. Teaching my muscles how to use the capillaries and oxygen better. My body is not yet at a point where I can punish it and not pay dearly for it the following week.
I am also learning these same lessons about dealing with my grief. I am learning that the facts are not changing and my pain isn't going to go away. There is no way around the fact that I lost my son. That does not mean that I can't take consistent baby steps to learn how to cope and learn how to move with my grief. At first, this all seemed like one big obstacle to overcome, to conquer. That could not be farther from the truth. There is nothing about grief to get over. If you try, you will wear yourself down, you will hurt yourself and you will feel dejected when you fail to "get over it". The failure will feed into your sadness and into your pain and will exacerbate your grief. Nobody wants that.
Grief is something that you will live with, whether you want to or not. Some days, grief will lead you where it wants you to go, down dark holes and into cold places. Some days, you will claim your soul back and have days full of light, joy and even peace. There is a dance that happens. As life plays, you and grief will be dancing away, getting lost in whatever music you have on repeat. You will ebb and flow, sweep the dance floor and embrace tightly as you spin to the rhythm. How do you keep grief from leading? how do you keep grief from taking over? You consistently choose to dance to a song that makes you strong. Find some moves that you can do when grief starts to take over. Maybe you look at old pictures, maybe you read the bible and ask God to remind you that it isn't His fault, or maybe you simply cry for a while. Find something that lets you regain the lead. It may not be right away, but something that gives you control again, something that you can do consistently.
The day we lost Carson, I was lost. The day we lost Carson I had no more direction, but I knew that I had somewhere to go. I went to God. I prayed. I played songs of praise and cried through them. The hardest thing to figure out is that it is not God's "fault". He loves us and your child did not die as a test of your faith, or any other stupid garbage that people will try to spoon feed you when you are sad. God is here holding you and crying with you. He wants nothing more than to reunite your soul with your child's. That is why Jesus came, Jesus came so that you will one day be able to hold your child again. He didn't come so that God could smite you and say, "Now prove to me how faithful you are." That is ridiculous. Let Him care for you.
Eventually, you may be able to lead your dance more often than grief does. God will help. When you are at a point that you lead more often, you can start to find pieces of yourself again. They might look brand new, they might look totally different and foreign to you, but they are your pieces, pick them up. February 12, 2015 I did not run, bike or swim. In April when I was able to find my pieces, they weren't the same. I had a new drive and passion that I hadn't EVER had before. New Pieces, totally foreign, different. When you are able to get to a point of new passion, you find that you may be able to open countless new opportunities to lead the dance. Grief is still a part of my every day, but I am able to dance and move more smooth with it.
Being a big clumsy white dude, I don't dance well. I can openly admit that. Grief is one thing that I have been able to dance with. There is nothing more difficult than to learn this dance. By no means am I a master of the dance, but I am learning. I am learning that consistency is by far the most important factor. The more often we practice doing something, the more often we are able to do it effectively. The more consistent we are while dealing with our grief, the more effectively we will be able to deal with our grief. Our dance will change, there will be days where we flow just right and days where we can't get it. Some days grief will lead, some days we will. The only thing that I know for certain is that it isn't going to go away... ever.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. As long as you consistently put down the next foot, you will make progress. First step is to know that God loves you and he is not testing you or punishing you. Forgive Him and forgive you.
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